Extreme Ordinary Thoughts (I)

What am i ?

There's no stopping of this thought. There's no run away anymore, there's no more choices left on me. But the choices still not there. Still not clear, there's no light, i can't see anything, i can't see anywhere, it just dark. How did i get here ? How did i stop here? How i ended up in this kind of darkness?? I was so sure that i run towards the light before but now what i can see is darkness in front of me. It's all empty, it's all nothing to me. Care to explain , O big giant clock ?

*Tick*

What do i want ?

The heart goes left, my head goes right, then what is my soul tells me ? Is there even me ? I don't even know, but i am sure i am alive. Then how do i live ? What do i want from all this time i have ? Do i really wanted to go abroad ? Do i really wanted to become a scientist ? Do i really wanted to be a director? Do i need to go to the right side ? Should i go to the left side ? Will i follow the line like everybody else ? Something is actually following me, do i run away from it ? Or let it catch me and consume me whole ? O big giant clock ?

*Tock*

What this hand can do ?

Everywhere i look within a mirror, i always look at the other side or focus on one side. What can i do to stop focussing on the other side ? What can i do in general ? I don't know exactly, because what i do is nothing. Nothing at all. I see the others have better opportunity than me, but why ? I feel like i can't do anything because i am nothing but jack of all trades. I ain't master of one and it's tiring for me. What can i do to be alive ? O big giant clock ?

*Tick*

Where should i look ?

There's no light, there's no guidance, i don't know where should i go and where i have to stop, my heart telling me to go out there but my head telling me to stop here, i can't see what's behind me and what's in front of me... Do i really need to choose ? Do i really need to face the fear ? But if so, the lost of opportunity ... my life would feel like it's over right ? But there will be always another chapter even after an ending... where should i look for guidance ? O big giant clock ?

I am good at everything, but i have no ambition, i lose it when i was still in my first year of university and now it feels like all slipping away. Slipping from my hand and i feel like i lose control.

But the one thing still following me is of course, the sorrow of mine. Where can i find my stars?

Ordinary Thoughts (XIV)

I've been thinking again lately, the cycle of course repeating again, and im writing this to remember myself.

I remember about my own history, where i begin, where i advancing, till i am right now.

I am not afraid of facing my own past, but i am tired of facing the same exact history. I am actually desperate to find a recognition by someone, to be loved and not being neglected. I keep feeling being neglected often cause i don't know why. I suppose it's futile to obsess over such trivial things in the first place. I mean, the only one who can truly care for myself is myself. Well, i should be less expect for anyone to look out for me. I believe that "What i was suppose to do is to go for JP", but even after getting the tickets to go there still left me feel empty. It is not necessarily rational or wise to blindly follow a goal determined in the past tho.

To keep up with the rapid changes this world goes through, we must maintain discretion at all times.

Everyone is looking for a place to belong to. For me to achieve greatest happiness is to find the soulmate that i really wanted. I talked about it before that i wanted the journey to reach a goal with someone. But , to live in constant fear because of can't accomplish that goal is tiring you see. I .. can't stand on my own without the feel of belonging to a group of any kind. I'll feel so powerless... just like i am right now.. I feel like i am nothing than a pebbles for the strong to kick around. No, perhaps maybe that's what others actually do. They'd rather be a cogs in a company than try to stand all by themselves. Because i really don't want to be stricted by a company or a contract. A constant cycle.

Yeah, i am looking someplace or someone to call home as well.

Everyone wants to indulge in sweet stories.. seeing as reality is bitter and painful. Maybe that's why tragedies are unpopular, because everyone's lives are always accompanied by them.. including me. Well, i really want to have a hope for my future, but it's tiring for me to do so and simply don't have any will power anymore to harbor any hope. I am so desperate to find a place for my mind to rest. I want to maintain a relationship you know, but it feels like everything is resetting. Some are gone but some are staying. I want to believe that every cycle of this is like a wheel. A wheel advances... forward for every cycle.

I simply put too much expectation on someone or something because.. i just don't know how to become better myself... I am not afraid because of uncertain future, but i am afraid because i can predict my future. I can actually feel like that... the feel of not finding a soulmate...

To move forward, i need to rely on myself, not anyone or anything else. Right now i am obsessed with the one soulmate or experience that'll supposedly complete me. I am strictly relying on that, instead of holding any expectations for myself. And... i guess it's true.... because eventho right now i can go to jp, i still feel empty. I should put more expectation on myself even more. But i can't except to hope i can find it. 

Maybe , im just too worn out to move toward that new light. There's no way i could magically start seeing light that i couldn't my whole life in the first place. Eventho i will harbor expectation... A man with no sign of improvement.

Sorrow, is still faithful to me.

Ordinary Thoughts (XIII)

I stumble upon a balcony out of books on my way up.

Everything around me is vast of bookshelves, towering towards the sky. So far all i can see is gray and white, with a single lights coming out of the sky. I took a bunch of books carefully to so the balcony won't fell off, stack it to make a simple stool to sit down. The stairs i've been climbing or should i say stepped, was full of holes, and some of it fell when i step on it. Books are all everywhere, books are the tower, and this tower is a book. I take a quick glances at the bottom and it's all a stack of books that fell down from this tower and another tower around me. The air filled with a bit of dust from the old books, but it has a great scent just like an old books has. This balcony also going to fall if i stay too long on this thing. But nontheless, i can't just keep going up without taking a breather.

"I wish i didn't climbed up here" I said to myself.

It's silent, and some noises from the falling books also heard from afar.

I could feel the tremble from those falling books, and the vibrant lights coming from the top. It's just like basking under a warm sunlight that is really comfortable for our skin. Bam, another book fell down. I quickly gather my thoughts why would i climb this stairs in the first place. I was unsure whether to climb up this tower to get into the light, but unfortunately for me, i climbed it because the top was too far to be seen. As i climbed the tower, i realized i can't go back anymore and i only have two choices. Bail out, or keep continue until the floor reached to another tower. I couldn't bail out because i've climbed this tower so far and i can see another floor on top of me, it's within my reach but i couldn't help to feel regret for climbing this tower cause as i see the other tower, there are more sturdy and even faster to reach the top.

There's a regret that i want to say, and that is the fact that i continue for master is actually contradicting with myself. I am a person that wants to do everything, that wants to learn only the surface level just to satisfy my urge, therefore a jack of all trades, instead of master of one. I seek a lot of opportunities and i don't want another opportunities to be gone just because of something. I understand why i choose to go for master because i still don't have any confident on my own. But after years studying, i realized that i am capable and i have a lot of power on myself than most people. I have the will to do it, i have the strength, i have the power of understanding. It's too late to realized about this, but it's understandable for me on why or the reason of it. I finally found a confidence in myself which is practically a good thing, i've regained something that i lost because of my past. The university, the undergraduate i went into made me not into confident person but instead doubtful person. I despise my own university, i despise my own past because of them.

The book i picked up from below, there's "undergraduate" written on the cover. The book of my past, so i solely open it and read it again.

The chapter start where i am still optimistic and happy as before. The first time i went to university went pretty much a wreck. I realized i didn't like how the system works in my department, chemistry. At first i thought i like studying it and such, but turns out, it's all a lie. I realized i never thought i wanted to be a scientist, true i like experimenting but i prefer to be adventurer. Scientist and an adventurer. Both can be the same at once, and i like to think i am both. Therefore i couldn't be just a scientist but rather also an adventurer. Back to my university, the teacher are all is really annoying, they thought they knew everything, they have no respect to their own student which i really don't like it. How should i be able to respect someone if one doesn't respect me ? I really despise them all because the method on how they teach their students is just not for me i guess. They keep punishing the students eventho there's a lot of things happening, in otherwords, excessive rationality which gonna be their own ends. I hate how it is and there's a lot pressure for a student like me, which is why i can't stand it there. Tho, at the end, i manage to just force myself for it. I am glad i managed to get the hell out from there. But it made me uncertain, and lose my confidence as a competence person. It took me a year to regain confidence back, and now i managed to get my own confidence back. Truthfully, without getting into master, i won't know if i am gonna be myself like right now or not. But i am glad i transformed into who i am right now.

I close the book, and take another glance at the cover. Somehow, it's different from before as it turns into a light and the pages slowly floating into the air, while glowing, and faded into the lights. I stood myself up, and continue climbing the tower once again. The balcony start to creek and fell all at once.

Ordinary Thoughts (XII）

I am going to lose some of my free time to exist.

Recently, me and my friends decided to go and come back to the lab to continue our own project again. It's time for us to go back. But deep down, after what happened recently (Which i don't want to talk about it), I still can't bring my heart and myself to go out and do other stuff, eventho that's what i should do to distract myself from my problems and complain. Tho, i prefer to do something what i want like excercising or something than just more sitting in lab and doesn't know what to do and not even do anything about it.

Like usual, i'll thinking about what will i have to do for my own research or when will i'll graduate and do what i really want, it just the same worry like before and facing what's comes next in my life. The fearlessness to keep on living is there, but it sometimes went away and back again. I just to remind myself more often. But i prefer to not do anything and just think. Eventho i hate thinking, i require to think just to catching up with everything that's happening, or else, i'll push myself too hard and couldn't catch up.

Right now, i shouldn't write about this and go to sleep immediately because i have to be awake at morning. But, at the same time, the urge to write is there and i decided to just write it instead holding it. I won't be able to sleep if i don't anyway. It just that this kind of time is where i can catch my breath i guess. If not, my heart will full of grief or even anger at some point. At this kind of time, i usually remember about the good times. How i spend my time with my "real" friends. But they're away for sometime, and they have their own fight to finish. I miss the good ol' time of course, but for now the situation aren't gonna be the same, not until i finish this. But my hope will remain the same, well atleast i am trying to. A place where i can live on, even after death.

A hope is really something that i have left when in this kind of situation tbh. I don't know what's the end of the tunnel and i don't know how to get certain what you called as Destiny but what i can do is hope. I am hoping that i'll understand what i want and people understand what i want. Sometimes i think about myself too. Why do i have so much thought? Why are my own words too hard for me? All i have to believe is i know something good will happen next time. Next Time. It's always next time. But i am a human after all, it will hurt me more if what i can do is to wait and "next time".

Wait... what do i have to wait you may ask ? All things must come to an end. This pondering, thoughts, suffering of mine.. Maybe that's what i did when i wasn't in my lab. Maybe i was waiting until my heart is not hurt anymore, or idk, i feel like it tho. But i don't think i can just wait. So it's really contradicting each other. Again, like what i used to explain before, i am tired to explain about it yet i am so grateful to be reminded of it again and again.

I feel like nothing changed tho. I feel like i'll never have a chance againts all of this alone. But simply idling won't change it either. If there are no more places to run to, hide in, or rest, then i will witness everything with my own eyes. The sight might be painful, yet i'll proceed i guess, then i may just triumph.

Ordinary Thoughts (XI)

I wanna dance under the rain of fallen leaves in auntumn, and let happiness take over my body.

That's what i thought everytime i talk about my dream. Telling it to someone i close with is really precious moment for me. But of course, they can't promise to be next to me forever. Recently, i feel frustrated again, but this time it's not about something i do. But it's involve on someone else.

"I don't know where you want to go, but promise that you'll take me with you"

To be longed for... It's something that i didn't expect that i actually want that. As a lonestar on the sky, i never thought that i am actually became a star. I was dreaming to be a grass instead. A grass within grassfield, a tree in the forest. But Alas, my dream brought me to be a star instead. Well, i couldn't help but to enjoy while it last to be honest. To be with someone, to be selfish, to be the most selfish person in the world. It's hard to comprehend that i am actually seeking for someone. I knew, from the beginning, even when i was a child that i'll be okay alone. I am used to be alone for a long long time because my parents are working and i am left alone in my own house which actually pretty convenient to my extend.

When i am talking about my dream, usually i say about staying in somewhere else, but for someone that i could think special, i usually say :

"I wanna dance under the rain of fallen leaves in auntumn, and let happiness take over my body"

Something that i really wanted to do, but i think there's more into it. I thought that it's actually what i want, that i wanted to dance. But in reality, there's something more into it. I recognize this feeling whenever i told about something i wanted to do. To someone that i really wanted to meet or be together. But of course we can't promise to be together forever. As when we split our way, i feel something. I feel that it's not the dance that i wanted, but to be with someone. To reach a goal together with someone. I want that someone, that is close to me heart to heart to watch me grow. To be with me, and embrace the glory together.

Have you ever seen a moon? The moon is pretty but alas it's such a lonely place to be isn't it ?

"They say too much thinking might make you a weird person"

It's probably a reason why i've become a star unconsciously. Whether i accept it or not, it's another thing.

Mostly when i am talking to someone i am wanted to be with, they'll say something that i know i couldn't control it.

"Im sure you'll be fine by your own soon."

That words struck inside my head. Partners. It's not like i wanted to live by myself, but i really do wanted a partner. It's not about me going to be better by myself. It's not about the grow by being myself alone. But to grow together with someone. That's what i seek. To be with someone that heart to heart connected with me. Having someone to take care and help you is nice isn't it ?

"Why don't you try to hang out with friends or find that has same hobby?"

Don't get me wrong, i also hangout with friends and go on a date. But it's totally different. It's not about me wanted to just do something with my friend, but there's something more into it. Something deeply connected within souls. What makes me into INFJ. I feel like they're all looked at the world one step of me or the other way around. I spend my time with someone of course, but in reality, we were never truly together. Can you comprehend that ?? To be that close heart to heart.

It's not about the hang out, it's not about the "Stuff", but to be connected with someone. Perhaps that's what i seek. I know from a long time i can be fine by myself. I want to be understood by someone else. Someone that wanted to understand me, i call for help, i scream for help.

"Understand me ! You are human being!"

But no... so far atleast i haven't found a single soul able to help me. Atlesat that's what i think. What's the point of screaming rescue me if no one ever hear? I almost think that i'd rather hide my disgust and guilt i was so used to, as if the feelings never existed in the first place. But of course, whenever i thought i find someone, my heart feels as if it were being covered in dark ash, while shattered into million of pieces.

Ordinary Thoughts (IX)

How much is it already?

I opened my eyes and woke up from my bed. I just sit on the bed, and then tried to stood up, and goes sit again to my office chair, in front of my computer once again. The weather is really nice to just tuck in my bed. Cloudy, yet fresh from the rain. I'd like to say something or should i say recite something from a novel i read, but i couldn't remember where was i read about it. I rummage some of my photos that i took with my camera on my phone and i couldn't find any. But nontheless, i found what i wanted to write inside my mind and i quickly opened this blog to write about it.

Recent activities made my body a little bit weaken. Just a bit hurt here and there but nothing much to worry about, perhaps im just too tired from all the work i had. I am trying to get focus on my goal. But of course as i cross the vast of ocean without a map or guidance such as a lighthouse on island, i can't think of a way for future. I am imperfect and sometimes i chew more than i could bite. But this world is really a sad place and i just couldn't think to not do anything about my life. I feel really restrained because i am not free and because the door of opportunity is always closed behind me because of my label makes me frustrated on how do i break the cycle of this life.

Before going into that, i wanna tell about a vision i had, or maybe a dream. Right now, outside my window, it's all gray, and windy. I can't help but to feel like i am in one of my dream or a scene where i am on a castle, where all the forest still there and the mist covering the surface because how fresh the air is still in my grasp. It was the best scene that i could imagine of and i could feel it now, there was something that trigger this is that the sound from my roof. I love how it flaps and make a certain noises to tells me the wind is actually strong while the sky is gray, it really does feel fresh. No, to be honest, this is something more like a sea of a mist. I feel like i am in real of sea of mist. Where i couldn't see my step, or where i am going. This is perfectly suits with what happend recently. That is why i couldn't help but to feel like i am in vast of ocean of a mist. All around just nothing but a mist and a clocks ticking. As time goes by, i still don't know where i am gonig but i do know where i want to go to. But, there's also a chain that stick on my foot that hinders me from my walking toward that goal.

Now here comes the restrained. If i explain something with my perspective, i see this world not only a small community but a whole world. I see humanity, i see us, as a human being not just as a country, or a city or even a small village but i see them all for the entire earth. I feel like i am one with everyone from all over the country. That's why i think like i belong to somewhere i can be myself which is to think humanity as whole world. We as a human, merely just a parasite in this planet. I have a couple ideas on why i think like this, and i also wanted to say that, not all people think or perceive humanity like me. Some people are only attached to one small community, family, or a country. Not that it's wrong or so, i mean, they're more happier than i am probably. Globalization, perhaps it took its effect on me. Still, i feel like i am detached from my real home which is the entire earth. Religion, races, and such, it seperates us from one and another, but truthfully for me, i don't think it's necessary because in the end we're all humans. That what makes me sad that, we have to fight just because of different idealism or should i say an idea. I've talked with so many people from all over the world, even from some places where i couldn't even think, and thus it makes me think that human unification is practically impossible with these labels around. Especially religion, most of em are strict because you have to preserve that religion by marrying or connecting with someone only with the same religion. It's frustrated me because of all the possibility, the door is closed because of that label. It locked me out and i can't enter to see what's inside of it. After all, i want to create, i want to write my own stories. Roman. That's what i live for. I want to finish a story of myself. I believe i live to create my own stories, to make that happy ending. or perhaps an ephiphany? or it could be sad ending, but still it's my own stories. What makes us difference from animals ? Humans has a capability to fantasize. What do i mean by this? It means, human can grasp something or understand something that is unreachable by making a rational meaning with our heads. Language, math, etc, those are a product of human fantasy. Those are all just a made up theories by human to grasp what's in this world. To understand them. The power of understanding.

"To gain an understanding of what is incomprehensible, they dream, staring." 

I heard that phrase from a game that i love before and it does really makes sense.

"We incessantly tried to accept it. We wanted to understand them in our heads by any means, regardless of the consequences. "

That is a delusion of humanity trying to understand without thinking any consequences of all around the world. Now, if all those are product of human fantasy, what about something superstisious? To be honest, i really like about something superstisious like the ephipany and others i got. But, what makes me wonder is that the consequences of the choices itself. Some of it will make you labeled and it became a chain that hinders your move or locked a door behind you. You can still break the door out and the label, but it require you to remove part of your body. It takes a lot of courage to do so. Regardless.... of the consequences....

Superstisious and rational thinking is actually tied to one and another. It just how you perceive things and how you able to understand it or not. First of all, whenever you see something that is hard to explain just because your eye got that information and rushed into your brain, you'll think of it as magic or something that is unexplainable. Truthfully, it does at first but once you understand how the nature of the superstitious things, you'll start to accept it logically and somehow it will be logical on its own terms. How do i say it in laymen terms tho... Something that is not within your grasp, will slowly be able to be understandable with experience. In other words, what you have to do is to believe it first. Like demons, angels, and gods. They say something that is we can't see or something we can't comprehend yet, what we can do is to believe it. I read from haruki murakami's, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and his years of pilgrimmage, that we have to take a big leap before we see if it's true or not. You can believe if there's no god or there's a god but once you know the answer, it's already too late. I really adore that phrase. Thus makes me wonder a bit.

With this, i want to talk about how i perceive the world as a whole world not a small community. We are all human being, back then we fight in group and fight for what we believe, or fight for something there is a reason to fight for. But it's because of the clash of Ideal of each other, right or wrong. Truthfully, there's not completely right or wrong because the rationality to maintain discretion is there, for me atleast. I feel like if i love something as a human being that capable of, strictly chained by those ideals is really not good for humanity as it will erase the others as well. God is something infinite, something that humanity will never ever able to comprehend. A sin of a person will always be able to be forgiven no matter how it is they said. As long the person will going back to the right track or atleast tried to be a better person, god will forgive them no matter how it is. I don't know if it's true or not, but like i said before once we know the truth, it's already too late, but i do believe god is forgiving but not for human. These labels that created by other human is something i couldn't accept to be honest. Because they locked the doors of oppotunities for those with certain labels, including myself. I want to see human as one, i want to unite them as one, and that is only a dream of mine where i know i couldn't or impossible to do so. In the end, in the vast of ocean of mist. What truly important is to stand on my own two feet. If i couldn't, how could i move forward towards the door ?

Future is such a mystery for me as i thought i know i could do what i wanna do, i mean sure to be honest i know i could, but there's some step that i haven't grasp yet, because i don't have any guidance in this vast of ocean of mist. But if i am aware of where i am and where i should go next, i might be able to get what i want.

I don't have much time left to spend, so i have to stop here and see if i could think more to satisfy myself.

Ordinary Thoughts (VIII)

I finished my presentation for my proposal

Truthfully, i didn't expect i did it perfectly, and i didn't. But i did great and so far it's good for me to pass this step.

As i am waiting for it before, i feel, indifferent. I feel the weird calm before storm, and it does resemble what i was feeling before. I was thinking that why wouldn't i feel panic when it's one day before the presentation ? Perhaps it's because i feel ignorant for what will come or what will happend during the presentation, eitherway i feel perfectly calm, like the surface of water without any disturbant. All flat, and not a little bit wave on it.

After all it's done, i feel undisturbed. Is it because i excercise ? Or is it because i eat a lot of meat before ? I honestly love meat and perhaps it's one factor why i feel calm after that. I will actually gonna do it again if i have a chance even if i have to eat alone. I started a new habit (To be honest it's not new, but rather i just bought new book) which is going to cafe to read a book. It's felt amazing for me as i actually able to get focus on a book by myself eventho my surroundings is full of people coming with friends and or girlfriend or boyfriend. As i am sitting there alone, i rummage my book and just start to sinked in to my readings. I bought a new book which is another Haruki Murakami and since i want a new story, i bought a new one from Yagisawa Satoshi, Days at the Morisaki Bookshop (森崎書店の日々). The book is about an old bookshop, selling old or 2nd hand book and it's pretty great for me. To live in a room full with books to read, i would devour everybook, everyday, and just sit there to be on the other side of the world. The story is about a girl who just broke up from her dates and she quit her job because of it. Her uncle invited her to live in his bookshop, which is actually pretty convenient. Now, there's something i wanted to point out here that, in this story, it feels like japanese has a sense of quitting job whenever they like, which i can't feel. I have never thought of resigning from a job because perhaps i was looking for perfect job for me. Of course, i know it's not gonna happend in one go, i have to experience it first and i realized what i was doing after i graduate from my university is wrong. I do feel like i am restrained to an invisible chain and i have to break this chain for myself.

The story ended with a good stop in my opinion. The end of something and the beginning of something, it told me to express what i have to say to someone eventho it's bad or eventho it's crushing your soul, i still have to say it and i did it. It makes me feel enlighten a bit, and i feel better since then. Perhaps this is also plays role why i didn't panic that much, tho sometimes the feel of panicking still there. So, with this new novel i read, i discovered perhaps, one day i could actually end my label, and start a new label.

The next novel i bought is an old story written by english writer if i remember correctly. It's for kids that started to read i guess, but i bought it for my collection and i'd like to know what happened at the end of the series. I really love reading this novel because i could daydream myself doing the same thing as the character in the story. But reality slaps me with something different. Turns out the last chapter is so short, compare to the other chapter. The story is so straight forward, and it's super dull, i don't know how to feel it because the previous chapter was so good, but the last one is so mediocre to me now. I don't think it's because i am old, but i think it's because of the story itself so i don't blame myself for feeling or thinking like this. But i do feel nostalgic to read my old series and it was great story, i would give this to my children (If i have one).

Last thing that i want to finish is the Haruki Murakami. Of course, haruki murakami's world really interesting one and i really like how the story tells about something in life. I love how japanese literature did it, to tell about something and what is the possible outcome of something. This one is quite unique because the entire book is not only for one story, but a bunch of short stories into one. So far, i like the first chapter where a guy got invited to a mountain for a recital, and nobody is there. Then, some old guy tells him about Circle with many center. After that, there's also a chapter where a boy remember about a girl holding The Beatles record and he remember about it vividly. But nontheless he never found the girl anymore, it just stays in his dreams. The boy grown up and he break up with his first girlfriend. There's a phrase where i feel like it's connected to me.

"What i find strange about growing old isn't that I've gotten older. Not that the youthful me from the past has, without my realizing it, aged. What catches me off guard is, rather, how people from the same generation as me have become elderly, how all the pretty, vivacious girls I used to know are now old enough to have a couple grandkids. It's a little disconcerting-sad, even. Though i never feel sad at the fact that i have similarly aged. I think what makes me feel sad about the girls i knew growing old is that it forces me to admit, all over again, that my youthful dreams are gone forever."

"It's hard for me to say this now, but she never rang that special bell inside my ears. I listened as hard as I could, but never once did it ring. Sadly. The girl I knew in Tokyo was the one who did it for me. This isn't something you can choose freely, according to logic or morality. Either it happends or it doesn't. When it does, it happens of its own accord, in your consciousness or in a spot deep in your soul."

Not something you can choose freely, according to logic or morality....

This sentence does make me thing about a free will, where i can choose what i want. The label. The thing that i brought from i was born until now, which makes me who i am. If i had to choose to torn that label... i would gladly take that option.

I will talk about it in the next post, because my eyelids are getting heavy.

Good night.

First Self-Journey

Recently, i went to a convention event.

I decided to go out of my city for once and try to get into another circle of community, or perhaps, social community. I tried to save money as i could but i couldn't help it to bring some just for the sake of myself because it's my first time going out to another city. Eventho it's actually near my city where i live, i had to take train and do half circle just to get to where i wanted to go. The event is about doujin and community, games, anime, you name it. I actually went there twice before, but everytime i go there, the feels is really different and i had to admit that the changes is really suprising and actually scares me a bit.

The first time i went there is basicly just to challenge myself that i could actually go out from my house to nearby city, and it went pretty okay i guess, tho at that time, i was really naive back then that i couldn't help to feel restless everytime. It was fun but i had no special goal to go there, that's why i kinda just follow the flow and it was pretty okay to me for a first time experience. I didn't have to stay in that city, so i could go back anytime i want because it's near my city, with a train of course. The second time i went to this event, is actually pretty good. I had a good time eventho what i did is just sit for the entire day and not going anywhere because how full the places is and it's tiring me already thus i decided to just hangout with my online friends. This is the first time i went to look at the others costume, and etc. I'll get to that later, the 3rd time which is yesterday's event, is actually kinda okay for me. The place is a little bit far away and i had to stay for two night because i got tired and i couldn't move my body a bit. I rent a room with a bunch of my online friends and the room suprisingly great, it got air conditioner and so on. Eventho the water is a bit low, i still manage to get a great shower atleast. The place is close to AEON mall and the convention hall which is pretty convenient. I had no problem at all while staying, and it's a great experience nontheless.

The convention is kinda okay, tho i had to wait in line for couple hours just to get the tickets and get inside. The sole purpose why i went to this event is not for buying stuff, not for collection or anything but purely for my own. I challenge myself to go out and seek or perhaps trying to experience something different. If i went to this event twice already why i called it First self-journey? It's because this is the first time i went here with my own firm decision, and also the first time i go after my "realization". That is why i called it first self-journey.

Inside, there are community booth and booth for manga, fan art, etc. It was pretty okay, tho i mark this event not for market because it's for community nontheless, and people use this chance to hangout with their friend that is far away to gather into one place. There's a negative effect on this side is that it's hard to control how they're gonna act and such. The place is huge, and i am too tired to walk circling the area (Not to mention, i am exhausted because there's so many people and i feel like i got crushed mentally while circling, eventho i didn't show it or express it). I see now that the event is really growing, and it's really different from what i had from previous event before. Many people cosplaying with more unique costume here and there, more artwork, fanart, etc. This is the first time i am aware and try to read people's in an event like this. So i tried to look closer to their expression, how they dress, how they act, the way they talk, etc. When i was searching for lunch, i saw that now there's a lot of kids or school students that go with their parents, and once i saw a kids without their parents too. I was thinking, what were they thinking and what the parents think to go for such event like this as it's actually not for old people that is not interested in these kind of thing, for example, like myself. I got tired of myself but what about those people ?

Not just a kids tho, but there's also some that is probably a teenager going with their parents too, and it seems they're having a good time. What makes me scared is that, the world is confusing. I actually expected this, and i kinda see it already, but it just or probably because it's my first time that it actually scares me that the social community or construct or whatsoever is so different from mine. The cosplays, the event, the gathering, it's all kinda alien to me. Perhaps it's because i really used to formal situation like in university and such, and when i went to another universe, is that i feel alien to the surrounding that it makes me scares a bit. Tho, it also makes me wondering even more and wanted to read them even more.

Perhaps, this is what they called as Colors. As you can see, i don't have much colors in me and rather, i might probably not have any colors, but my online friends (Well, some of em), and others are bright like a stars which i don't want to be. The spotlights are everywhere, and i kinda understand that it's how they are and such. I went to a community booth and studying the surrounding while a friend of mine buying something and interact with them. It felt so alien to me, as i am not an interactive person with someone i don't know. But, seeing them giving me new perspective on things, and the world.

There's a main stage at the end of the hall and everyone gathered there, like an assembly point. The noise, the voices, the rumbling, it's kinda chill and weird at the same time. Tho i don't mind about it. The sounds from the main stage, the loud voices from speaker, is different for me and kinda tire me. I kinda don't understand a bit for those who able to endure these but i understand how they wanted to have fun. After awhile, i went back with my friends to our room and just relax a bit.

Now this is what makes me feels so different. We are about to go to Aeon mall just to hangout at night with friends. Truthfully, i really excited for us to go to Aeon mall instead going to convention event. I feel really different when i am in that mall. I don't feel scared, and i feel like i want to explore instead unlike when i am in the convention event. That mixed feeling really understandable as i am used to these kind of environment. Where i think about it as more "Public" instead that convention event. I figured out that i was thinking that the convention event is actually not a public places but more rather for some community like someone who likes games, anime, etc which to be honest, i don't reach that point. I just enjoy games, anime, and such not to the roots like them who wants to buy a fanart or something. These "Public" place to me kinda feels different because in the convention event, people dress, act, and etc totally different than this mall. Perhaps , even i could call it as "Jungle" to me. Thus, i prefer to hang out in these places like the aeon mall, instead of that convention center, tho i don't mind to go there once in a while just to hang out with my friends and feel the experience, afterall, experience is also one of knowledge.

After a day, i went back with train and completely going back to my life once again. Tho, i really feel like i am different. Perhaps after knowing there's too much different outside my head got me overwhelmed a bit. But i do enjoy these experience and all. Eitherway, i'll look forward to go to JP and see the experience with my own eyes. I still don't like to go to big convention but i enjoy the experience.