Ordinary Thoughts (XVIII)

Another midnight thoughts.

Another raining days.

Recently, i just bought a new game from my favorite series called Like a dragon : Infinite Wealth. The first time i lay my eyes upon this game is making me intriguing to play it, but it's super expensive, i have to think twice before i spend my money on it. Long story short, i got my money and buy the game just for the sake of making myself happy or having something to do in a while. I bought it on discount too, and guess what, the discount was about to end in 4 hours. How lucky i am! So i immediately call my contact to buy the game and i got the game. After that, it's not even the beginning yet. I had to wait for 3 days for the game to be downloaded completely, and i eagerly waiting for it while lying on bed everynight before went to sleep.

I opened the game for the first time, and boom. Everything seems to be... colorful. I don't know why but i feel... content. This is weird because it's been so long i haven't feel content like this before. I can feel how i am not worrying about anything besides that game. I can feel how i will have so much fun just from the title music. That moment, really satisfying and i couldn't remember it more clearly than now. I started to play the game immediately to the first chapter without any hestitation. The moment of where i can finally let my brain to indulge in something.

After a couple hours(Actually it's almost 20 hours), i finally break free from my own hyperfocus playing this game. This made me realized something. Something that was a miss from before. Something that i was looking for from beginning. Something that i, nostalgicly waiting for it to come back. It's being content, and i rarely got this kind of feeling lately. I realized i was stressed because there's nothing that made my mind calm, that i am desperately trying to find this serenity by doing stuff out of desperation. It's truly a nightmare. I wouldn't want to go back to that state, but i am sure i will be back again at that state if the game finished.

Let me talk about how was my mind when i am playing that game. You already know that i am so content when playing that game, leveling the characters, finding secrets and collectibles, doing side quest, and more. When i was playing, it feels like my brain is slowing down. Why do i think it's slowing down ? Because my brain actually being content and knows that i enjoy this game after those nightmares of desperation. What you can notice more is that, time goes faster. It really does, because i didn't feel anything and then out of nowhere, i've been playing for hours ! Almost a day. I wasn't aware of the passing time, i even almost forgot to eat anything in a day. That hyperfocus really really does something to me. But, this also make me realized something that, it wasn't me, or my body, it was my brain. I notice this is what my brain does to my body and to my work everyday. Thus this really prove that my ADHD was the one that make myself ruined (If you guys don't know, yes i've been notified since highschool, but haven't go to hospital yet).

The way my brain works is really confusing sometimes, but to feel rewarded is actually important. The reason my body start to move is to achieve a goal, or something. That something will makes my brain to feel content at a moment. Yes, the answer is the dopamine that goes into my brain. Unfortunately, it's hard for me to feel rewarded before playing this game, and it's been a nightmare. This connects with my current objective on my own journey to go to Japan, and with my research. After a year, i am waiting to go to Japan and what's inside my head was only going to Japan and achieve my goal by living there or anything that relates to get out of this country. My fear was right. Even if i got a ticket to go to Japan, i still feel relentless or not satisfied until i truly going out to Japan and be there. Thus makes me desperate and can't think of anything else except that and made my research to be my 2nd priority. That become a problem later on because after months, i can't even do my research properly because i can't get my head away from getting better at Japanese, and finding a way to get out of here completely. Eventho the first step was to graduate from master.

At first, i thought that if i keep motivates myself by thinking positive slightly will help me do something, but no. It's actually not working at all. Once my brain goes into desperation looking for dopamine or satisfaction, it's really hard to stay focus, nor even do anything eventho i want to do something. It's like a brick of wall suddenly erected from the ground and i can't punch my way out. Sleeping might help for once but after short minutes, the state of desperation will comes back once i got reminded of my objective.

"I have to study Japanese"

I studied Japanese completely for a day and felt nothing goes into my mind because it was really not enjoyable nor bring any satisfaction because i have to be disciplined first, but with the way my mind works, i can't stay focus in one sit and got distracted easily(Usually playing games to just feel satisfied or just have something to do while not thinking anything). This makes me hard to learn anything and keep forgetting what i was learning before. I notice about this recently when i was completing entire chapter of a book, and then unpredictable things happening and made me panic until i can't even think, or completely paralyzed. Then the next moment, i can't even remember what i learned, well, only some of it but mostly gone. That's why i train myself not by brain but intuition. My intution, like i previously explained, is nothing more than you can google, but it is trustworthy to me, and it made me able to give a good advice. Advising people is one of my favorite things tbh, but if i keep doing it, i'll get burned out like how i am before.

Not just studying, i tried so many hobbies and such. Playing music, going outside, etc. Some hobbies like going outside with my motorcycle and singing out loud while listening to music is actually helping a bit but it's more like when i need to do something. Once it's done, i'll feel the same and start to get desperate again. This might be already severe, but i still can push myself. What i fear is , what if this gets worse overtime and i couldn't reach my own goal ?

When i play Like a dragon, the rewards from doing side quest, finding secrets, and leveling was really satisfying. Tho the more i leveled up, the more it gets hard and so does getting satisfied. I am scared that if this game done, i won't be able to make myself content anymore or if i started to get bored out of it. Even when i am writing this, i started to dozz off and opening another tab and such.

To end this, i really wanted to feel content again, i really wanted to stop feeling like my brain keep pushing me to be satisfied with something. I been also discussing about this with my Japanese friend that has the same condition with me. She said the medication a bit expensive thus makes me worried abit to get a medication. I also heard that the effects from the medication is really taking a toll, so i don't want to be dependant on it just yet. This game only a temporary treatment for me, but if the game is done, i am sure i'll be back to be desperate again. I'll need a way to feel satisfied with a small task, but i keep seeing the bigger picture thus pushing me back to get to my own goal.

Ordinary Thoughts (XVII)

2 Am, rather bit early from before.

I still stuck with my own research and it's not even going better, tho i got some data to process, but it's nothing compare to what i should get. I still feel like i am lost in the middle of the ocean. There's no lighthouses to show me the way to finish this research. I look down at the ocean, the gray still water reflecting my own face, confused what to do, and didn't know how to face the situation. The reflection start to move themselves, it's unclear whether it's moving by its own will or reflecting my movement, but one thing i know, it eventually start to speak or trying to communicating by any way. The lips saying something but i couldn't figure it out at first, and then i realized what it is trying to say.

"JUMP"

Why would it want me to jump? There must be something wrong with it. It try to deceive me and making me moving away from the shore. There has to be something. I moved myself away from the water, and sit there, watching the horizon. Is there truly a shore or an island to land on ? I ask myself. I keep spinning and look around on the raft, but there's not even a sight to catch on. It's all flat and nothing. Filled with nothingness, and don't know what to expect. I can feel something that if i sit too long, i'll eventually get eaten away and drown into the vast ocean without any help. Lost in the ocean, drown into the ocean. I guess that's why i shouldn't jump onto the raft in the first place.

The reflection still murmuring the same words, but one says something different.

"Nobody will save you if you don't save yourself. Jump, it's nothing wrong to do what's not suppose to do in the first place"

I know. It's all in my hand. We human can create. We human can fantasize and with this hand, we bring those fantasy into reality. I can't be reckless all the time. Time, keep flowing no matter what, and one must pay the price for it.

Recently, i've been thinking to stop the research because how burned out and how bad the situation is. I know this project will not gonna have a clear goal. I know, things like this always happend from beginning. I thought i almost finished what i do, but instead, i took a wrong turn and it brought me back to the start. But if i keep going the same way, will it gonna bring me to my own destination ? I do not think so.

This has nothing to do with the previous sentence, but i was thinking that what kind of person i like. Tbh, there's so many to worry about, especially regarding another human being, which i couldn't control completely. Furthermore, the more i make details about it, the more it will become a lie. But there's one thing that i could accept is that the other has to respect and see me as another human being. Second part is, really hard to realize at first, but i know what makes me comfortable is someone that stand up for me. Wanted to say that i was in wrong with a good reason if i made a mistake, and help me with any problem i have.

Ordinary Thoughts (XVI)

2 Am, the breeze is fine, and i just woke up.

I got a call 2 days ago to go to my lab again. The materials that my lab ordered has arrived, and tomorrow i might have to do inspection. But there's something that i have to face again like usual, the uncertainty. I am still not able to get rid of the feeling of uncertainty.

I am trying to identify how should i think and be calm about it, eventho right now i act and feel like i am calm, deep down in my head i am panicking silently. If i think about my lab and thesis, the question of uncertainty suddenly pops out. The question is just there, out of nowhere, and yes, this might be an act of frustration because i don't know how to solve it but to face that reality.

Today, i made a biggest mistake. I ran away from my lab because i was panicking inside my head that i don't know what to do, i can't prepare my mind to do what i supposed to do or what my sensei instructed me to do so. At first, i was okay because i convinced myself to go there without any problem, but after discussion with my sensei, he gave me new task that is different than i suppose to do that day or from what i thought. At that time, my i couldn't even do anything, not even thinking, everything went blank, i can't speak, i can't think, i can't even take a breath. Everything seems to stop at that moment. I am want to scream but i couldn't. What i could hear in my own head is that i want to go back home and run away from reality again. So i did, i told my sensei a lie that i have things to do that day, and will go back tomorrow. It was so hurtful, maybe my sensei put expectation that i'll do it today, but instead i ran away like a coward.

I did it again.

I ran away again from reality eventho i shouldn't.

I did whatever i can do, scream, cry, run, whatever it is to run away from this reality. But in the end i know, my prudence know that i have to face it no matter how. I couldn't run away from everything, i have to face what's comes in front of me next and i should deal with it. I guess i have no other choice but to come back and just do it without any thinking. Human brain is so fragile that it will start to shattered by a little push. And i am no exception of that.

I feel like it's collapsing and once i knew it, everything falls apart. I know everything, my prudence know everything, i know i have to keep going and going and going and just do it. If i keep doing things like this, how could i finish my duty for this research? I am tired telling myself about it, but i just couldn't help to react like that immediately prior to the event. It just, my mind won't stop and just keep doing it. I am tired of it, i am sick of myself to get panicking like that. Is it because of a trauma ? But i want to get rid of that trauma. I did what i could do. I don't know if this gonna be okay but i'll try it again tomorrow. I have no other choice.

I will start thinking that i can do it, it just a minor setback. I can endure what people will say, i can endure what will people say to me, i can endure what my mind says, even the most ridiculous and the most hurtful words i could think of. I will not stop and keep trying. That's what i suppose to say.

It's time go to sleep and face my fear again tomorrow. I will not run away twice.

Good night.

Ordinary Thoughts (XV)

3 days passed since my special day. The late night is cold now, the rain has stopped, and the breeze is cold that sting into the bone. Here i am writing in the middle of the night, like usual, writing on this computer. It's so cold that my feet started to shiver. Nonetheless, i still wanted to write and finish my thoughts.

Always happend at this kind of time, but i kinda accept it already that it has to be at this kind of time, or else my mind is scattering like a wild radiation bursting out from their place. Today, there's of course bad and good thing, like usual, it's not always be a good one.

Let's talk about my current situation right now. It's been a month since i didn't study Japanese because of something within me, lack of motivation is the main reason, but this lack of motivation also comes with something else, that is, finishing my research for my master degree (修士号). I also had had been hospitalized because of hemorrhage that happened to me month ago, well, it's nothing serious but it really did a number on me. I am back to healthy again but still, i feel ridiculous, and feel so bad about my health, especially i feel weak everytime i woke up at morning. My circadian rhythm was also ruined. My body forced me to be awake at this kind of hour, eventho i should be sleeping, it's the worse but i can't complain, and i have to fix it by not sleeping at certain time, eventho my body feels like going to colapse.

In 2 months, my trip to go to Japan will be realized. Tho i am still not sure am i gonna be happy or not. What makes me stressful is not only of research, but the probability of me to look for a job in Japan, because i am still a student right now, i can't get out yet. Thus makes me frustrated. But since my research got stuck like this, i couldn't do anything but to force myself to think positive. The reason why my research got stuck is because the material i use is almost depleted. I don't know what else i have to do except waiting for new batch of the resource.

I have to go to the lab but it just i don't have any will to go to the lab because of this thing. I feel like it's useless for me to go to the lab. I'd rather use the time to improve myself but i can't because i still can't get or grasp what i want by just being a bystander like this. Tho i could change my mindset by not going for the current goal which is moving to Japan, rather, improving myself and focussing improving my Japanese instead focussing something that i couldn't control.

Next, i also got a date. The reason why i wanted to go to Japan at October is actually to date someone so i could feel alive. That's what i've been wanting to do anyway. I don't care about the next step, but i just wanted to try. If i could do that, i am sure i'll be happy just because of the experience. If it's about marriage, im sure i can find my way around. Tho i didn't believe myself that i actually able to get a date ha ha ha. It's not like i never had one, it just different when you wanted to figure out someone's mind that is interesting.

I've started to adapted for the change that happend in my life. The next change will gonna be harsh, tho i know it's actually worth it to do so, that is to stay in Japan. To open my eyes and wisdom even more. To be honest, i couldn't focus on the other stuff is because i keep focussing to go to Japan instead of finishing the other objective first and it's very destructive. Well, maybe i should start to work on it.

Maybe there's still a lot of opportunity but i still feel like i want to detach from my label. The true happiness that i will achieve is perhaps when i am able to live alone. I am looking forward for it so much that i feel burnt out to do anything. I should taking care of myself more, and control my emotion.

Two days ago, i visited my old memories where i am actually in university. A game called Ameba Pigg was really at peak in those moment. Since the service of the game is closed, i feel like my life has nothing to do eventho there's still an infinite amount of games i could buy and play, or study more japanese. But this game was full of things to do, fishing, DJ, Festivals, etc. It made me feels like i am in Japan with my friends. It made me feels like i am in another world. And from there, i met someone that changed my mind, and i respect her so much. Once the game ended, after 10 years on service, my friend start to scatter around, tho most of em back at Pigg Party which is a mobile version of the game with limited features. It's so bad for what happened to that game, eventho they called it revolutionary from a website flash game into a smartphone where you could play anywhere. Well, the mission from the start is to bring revolutionary for a game and they finish it well.

When i am playing it, it's kinda like usual but once it's over, it's actually feels like a big change too. Really big, because things that you do for everyday gone just like that. I thought i never say this because at that time i was also depressed because of my university but, i think i was happy to have those memories and things to do like that with a friend of mine, and the feel of being in Japan itself. So, eventho i can't say it to my friend back then, i wanna say thank you to everyone around me for staying with me.

It's 5 in the morning, i wrote and think like too long for this post. What am i gonna do next you say ? I don't know to be honest but such is life. I'll figure it out and face my fear.

Good night.

Extreme Ordinary Thoughts (I)

What am i ?

There's no stopping of this thought. There's no run away anymore, there's no more choices left on me. But the choices still not there. Still not clear, there's no light, i can't see anything, i can't see anywhere, it just dark. How did i get here ? How did i stop here? How i ended up in this kind of darkness?? I was so sure that i run towards the light before but now what i can see is darkness in front of me. It's all empty, it's all nothing to me. Care to explain , O big giant clock ?

*Tick*

What do i want ?

The heart goes left, my head goes right, then what is my soul tells me ? Is there even me ? I don't even know, but i am sure i am alive. Then how do i live ? What do i want from all this time i have ? Do i really wanted to go abroad ? Do i really wanted to become a scientist ? Do i really wanted to be a director? Do i need to go to the right side ? Should i go to the left side ? Will i follow the line like everybody else ? Something is actually following me, do i run away from it ? Or let it catch me and consume me whole ? O big giant clock ?

*Tock*

What this hand can do ?

Everywhere i look within a mirror, i always look at the other side or focus on one side. What can i do to stop focussing on the other side ? What can i do in general ? I don't know exactly, because what i do is nothing. Nothing at all. I see the others have better opportunity than me, but why ? I feel like i can't do anything because i am nothing but jack of all trades. I ain't master of one and it's tiring for me. What can i do to be alive ? O big giant clock ?

*Tick*

Where should i look ?

There's no light, there's no guidance, i don't know where should i go and where i have to stop, my heart telling me to go out there but my head telling me to stop here, i can't see what's behind me and what's in front of me... Do i really need to choose ? Do i really need to face the fear ? But if so, the lost of opportunity ... my life would feel like it's over right ? But there will be always another chapter even after an ending... where should i look for guidance ? O big giant clock ?

I am good at everything, but i have no ambition, i lose it when i was still in my first year of university and now it feels like all slipping away. Slipping from my hand and i feel like i lose control.

But the one thing still following me is of course, the sorrow of mine. Where can i find my stars?

Ordinary Thoughts (XIV)

I've been thinking again lately, the cycle of course repeating again, and im writing this to remember myself.

I remember about my own history, where i begin, where i advancing, till i am right now.

I am not afraid of facing my own past, but i am tired of facing the same exact history. I am actually desperate to find a recognition by someone, to be loved and not being neglected. I keep feeling being neglected often cause i don't know why. I suppose it's futile to obsess over such trivial things in the first place. I mean, the only one who can truly care for myself is myself. Well, i should be less expect for anyone to look out for me. I believe that "What i was suppose to do is to go for JP", but even after getting the tickets to go there still left me feel empty. It is not necessarily rational or wise to blindly follow a goal determined in the past tho.

To keep up with the rapid changes this world goes through, we must maintain discretion at all times.

Everyone is looking for a place to belong to. For me to achieve greatest happiness is to find the soulmate that i really wanted. I talked about it before that i wanted the journey to reach a goal with someone. But , to live in constant fear because of can't accomplish that goal is tiring you see. I .. can't stand on my own without the feel of belonging to a group of any kind. I'll feel so powerless... just like i am right now.. I feel like i am nothing than a pebbles for the strong to kick around. No, perhaps maybe that's what others actually do. They'd rather be a cogs in a company than try to stand all by themselves. Because i really don't want to be stricted by a company or a contract. A constant cycle.

Yeah, i am looking someplace or someone to call home as well.

Everyone wants to indulge in sweet stories.. seeing as reality is bitter and painful. Maybe that's why tragedies are unpopular, because everyone's lives are always accompanied by them.. including me. Well, i really want to have a hope for my future, but it's tiring for me to do so and simply don't have any will power anymore to harbor any hope. I am so desperate to find a place for my mind to rest. I want to maintain a relationship you know, but it feels like everything is resetting. Some are gone but some are staying. I want to believe that every cycle of this is like a wheel. A wheel advances... forward for every cycle.

I simply put too much expectation on someone or something because.. i just don't know how to become better myself... I am not afraid because of uncertain future, but i am afraid because i can predict my future. I can actually feel like that... the feel of not finding a soulmate...

To move forward, i need to rely on myself, not anyone or anything else. Right now i am obsessed with the one soulmate or experience that'll supposedly complete me. I am strictly relying on that, instead of holding any expectations for myself. And... i guess it's true.... because eventho right now i can go to jp, i still feel empty. I should put more expectation on myself even more. But i can't except to hope i can find it. 

Maybe , im just too worn out to move toward that new light. There's no way i could magically start seeing light that i couldn't my whole life in the first place. Eventho i will harbor expectation... A man with no sign of improvement.

Sorrow, is still faithful to me.

Ordinary Thoughts (XIII)

I stumble upon a balcony out of books on my way up.

Everything around me is vast of bookshelves, towering towards the sky. So far all i can see is gray and white, with a single lights coming out of the sky. I took a bunch of books carefully to so the balcony won't fell off, stack it to make a simple stool to sit down. The stairs i've been climbing or should i say stepped, was full of holes, and some of it fell when i step on it. Books are all everywhere, books are the tower, and this tower is a book. I take a quick glances at the bottom and it's all a stack of books that fell down from this tower and another tower around me. The air filled with a bit of dust from the old books, but it has a great scent just like an old books has. This balcony also going to fall if i stay too long on this thing. But nontheless, i can't just keep going up without taking a breather.

"I wish i didn't climbed up here" I said to myself.

It's silent, and some noises from the falling books also heard from afar.

I could feel the tremble from those falling books, and the vibrant lights coming from the top. It's just like basking under a warm sunlight that is really comfortable for our skin. Bam, another book fell down. I quickly gather my thoughts why would i climb this stairs in the first place. I was unsure whether to climb up this tower to get into the light, but unfortunately for me, i climbed it because the top was too far to be seen. As i climbed the tower, i realized i can't go back anymore and i only have two choices. Bail out, or keep continue until the floor reached to another tower. I couldn't bail out because i've climbed this tower so far and i can see another floor on top of me, it's within my reach but i couldn't help to feel regret for climbing this tower cause as i see the other tower, there are more sturdy and even faster to reach the top.

There's a regret that i want to say, and that is the fact that i continue for master is actually contradicting with myself. I am a person that wants to do everything, that wants to learn only the surface level just to satisfy my urge, therefore a jack of all trades, instead of master of one. I seek a lot of opportunities and i don't want another opportunities to be gone just because of something. I understand why i choose to go for master because i still don't have any confident on my own. But after years studying, i realized that i am capable and i have a lot of power on myself than most people. I have the will to do it, i have the strength, i have the power of understanding. It's too late to realized about this, but it's understandable for me on why or the reason of it. I finally found a confidence in myself which is practically a good thing, i've regained something that i lost because of my past. The university, the undergraduate i went into made me not into confident person but instead doubtful person. I despise my own university, i despise my own past because of them.

The book i picked up from below, there's "undergraduate" written on the cover. The book of my past, so i solely open it and read it again.

The chapter start where i am still optimistic and happy as before. The first time i went to university went pretty much a wreck. I realized i didn't like how the system works in my department, chemistry. At first i thought i like studying it and such, but turns out, it's all a lie. I realized i never thought i wanted to be a scientist, true i like experimenting but i prefer to be adventurer. Scientist and an adventurer. Both can be the same at once, and i like to think i am both. Therefore i couldn't be just a scientist but rather also an adventurer. Back to my university, the teacher are all is really annoying, they thought they knew everything, they have no respect to their own student which i really don't like it. How should i be able to respect someone if one doesn't respect me ? I really despise them all because the method on how they teach their students is just not for me i guess. They keep punishing the students eventho there's a lot of things happening, in otherwords, excessive rationality which gonna be their own ends. I hate how it is and there's a lot pressure for a student like me, which is why i can't stand it there. Tho, at the end, i manage to just force myself for it. I am glad i managed to get the hell out from there. But it made me uncertain, and lose my confidence as a competence person. It took me a year to regain confidence back, and now i managed to get my own confidence back. Truthfully, without getting into master, i won't know if i am gonna be myself like right now or not. But i am glad i transformed into who i am right now.

I close the book, and take another glance at the cover. Somehow, it's different from before as it turns into a light and the pages slowly floating into the air, while glowing, and faded into the lights. I stood myself up, and continue climbing the tower once again. The balcony start to creek and fell all at once.

Ordinary Thoughts (XII）

I am going to lose some of my free time to exist.

Recently, me and my friends decided to go and come back to the lab to continue our own project again. It's time for us to go back. But deep down, after what happened recently (Which i don't want to talk about it), I still can't bring my heart and myself to go out and do other stuff, eventho that's what i should do to distract myself from my problems and complain. Tho, i prefer to do something what i want like excercising or something than just more sitting in lab and doesn't know what to do and not even do anything about it.

Like usual, i'll thinking about what will i have to do for my own research or when will i'll graduate and do what i really want, it just the same worry like before and facing what's comes next in my life. The fearlessness to keep on living is there, but it sometimes went away and back again. I just to remind myself more often. But i prefer to not do anything and just think. Eventho i hate thinking, i require to think just to catching up with everything that's happening, or else, i'll push myself too hard and couldn't catch up.

Right now, i shouldn't write about this and go to sleep immediately because i have to be awake at morning. But, at the same time, the urge to write is there and i decided to just write it instead holding it. I won't be able to sleep if i don't anyway. It just that this kind of time is where i can catch my breath i guess. If not, my heart will full of grief or even anger at some point. At this kind of time, i usually remember about the good times. How i spend my time with my "real" friends. But they're away for sometime, and they have their own fight to finish. I miss the good ol' time of course, but for now the situation aren't gonna be the same, not until i finish this. But my hope will remain the same, well atleast i am trying to. A place where i can live on, even after death.

A hope is really something that i have left when in this kind of situation tbh. I don't know what's the end of the tunnel and i don't know how to get certain what you called as Destiny but what i can do is hope. I am hoping that i'll understand what i want and people understand what i want. Sometimes i think about myself too. Why do i have so much thought? Why are my own words too hard for me? All i have to believe is i know something good will happen next time. Next Time. It's always next time. But i am a human after all, it will hurt me more if what i can do is to wait and "next time".

Wait... what do i have to wait you may ask ? All things must come to an end. This pondering, thoughts, suffering of mine.. Maybe that's what i did when i wasn't in my lab. Maybe i was waiting until my heart is not hurt anymore, or idk, i feel like it tho. But i don't think i can just wait. So it's really contradicting each other. Again, like what i used to explain before, i am tired to explain about it yet i am so grateful to be reminded of it again and again.

I feel like nothing changed tho. I feel like i'll never have a chance againts all of this alone. But simply idling won't change it either. If there are no more places to run to, hide in, or rest, then i will witness everything with my own eyes. The sight might be painful, yet i'll proceed i guess, then i may just triumph.

Ordinary Thoughts (XI)

I wanna dance under the rain of fallen leaves in auntumn, and let happiness take over my body.

That's what i thought everytime i talk about my dream. Telling it to someone i close with is really precious moment for me. But of course, they can't promise to be next to me forever. Recently, i feel frustrated again, but this time it's not about something i do. But it's involve on someone else.

"I don't know where you want to go, but promise that you'll take me with you"

To be longed for... It's something that i didn't expect that i actually want that. As a lonestar on the sky, i never thought that i am actually became a star. I was dreaming to be a grass instead. A grass within grassfield, a tree in the forest. But Alas, my dream brought me to be a star instead. Well, i couldn't help but to enjoy while it last to be honest. To be with someone, to be selfish, to be the most selfish person in the world. It's hard to comprehend that i am actually seeking for someone. I knew, from the beginning, even when i was a child that i'll be okay alone. I am used to be alone for a long long time because my parents are working and i am left alone in my own house which actually pretty convenient to my extend.

When i am talking about my dream, usually i say about staying in somewhere else, but for someone that i could think special, i usually say :

"I wanna dance under the rain of fallen leaves in auntumn, and let happiness take over my body"

Something that i really wanted to do, but i think there's more into it. I thought that it's actually what i want, that i wanted to dance. But in reality, there's something more into it. I recognize this feeling whenever i told about something i wanted to do. To someone that i really wanted to meet or be together. But of course we can't promise to be together forever. As when we split our way, i feel something. I feel that it's not the dance that i wanted, but to be with someone. To reach a goal together with someone. I want that someone, that is close to me heart to heart to watch me grow. To be with me, and embrace the glory together.

Have you ever seen a moon? The moon is pretty but alas it's such a lonely place to be isn't it ?

"They say too much thinking might make you a weird person"

It's probably a reason why i've become a star unconsciously. Whether i accept it or not, it's another thing.

Mostly when i am talking to someone i am wanted to be with, they'll say something that i know i couldn't control it.

"Im sure you'll be fine by your own soon."

That words struck inside my head. Partners. It's not like i wanted to live by myself, but i really do wanted a partner. It's not about me going to be better by myself. It's not about the grow by being myself alone. But to grow together with someone. That's what i seek. To be with someone that heart to heart connected with me. Having someone to take care and help you is nice isn't it ?

"Why don't you try to hang out with friends or find that has same hobby?"

Don't get me wrong, i also hangout with friends and go on a date. But it's totally different. It's not about me wanted to just do something with my friend, but there's something more into it. Something deeply connected within souls. What makes me into INFJ. I feel like they're all looked at the world one step of me or the other way around. I spend my time with someone of course, but in reality, we were never truly together. Can you comprehend that ?? To be that close heart to heart.

It's not about the hang out, it's not about the "Stuff", but to be connected with someone. Perhaps that's what i seek. I know from a long time i can be fine by myself. I want to be understood by someone else. Someone that wanted to understand me, i call for help, i scream for help.

"Understand me ! You are human being!"

But no... so far atleast i haven't found a single soul able to help me. Atlesat that's what i think. What's the point of screaming rescue me if no one ever hear? I almost think that i'd rather hide my disgust and guilt i was so used to, as if the feelings never existed in the first place. But of course, whenever i thought i find someone, my heart feels as if it were being covered in dark ash, while shattered into million of pieces.

Ordinary Thoughts (IX)

How much is it already?

I opened my eyes and woke up from my bed. I just sit on the bed, and then tried to stood up, and goes sit again to my office chair, in front of my computer once again. The weather is really nice to just tuck in my bed. Cloudy, yet fresh from the rain. I'd like to say something or should i say recite something from a novel i read, but i couldn't remember where was i read about it. I rummage some of my photos that i took with my camera on my phone and i couldn't find any. But nontheless, i found what i wanted to write inside my mind and i quickly opened this blog to write about it.

Recent activities made my body a little bit weaken. Just a bit hurt here and there but nothing much to worry about, perhaps im just too tired from all the work i had. I am trying to get focus on my goal. But of course as i cross the vast of ocean without a map or guidance such as a lighthouse on island, i can't think of a way for future. I am imperfect and sometimes i chew more than i could bite. But this world is really a sad place and i just couldn't think to not do anything about my life. I feel really restrained because i am not free and because the door of opportunity is always closed behind me because of my label makes me frustrated on how do i break the cycle of this life.

Before going into that, i wanna tell about a vision i had, or maybe a dream. Right now, outside my window, it's all gray, and windy. I can't help but to feel like i am in one of my dream or a scene where i am on a castle, where all the forest still there and the mist covering the surface because how fresh the air is still in my grasp. It was the best scene that i could imagine of and i could feel it now, there was something that trigger this is that the sound from my roof. I love how it flaps and make a certain noises to tells me the wind is actually strong while the sky is gray, it really does feel fresh. No, to be honest, this is something more like a sea of a mist. I feel like i am in real of sea of mist. Where i couldn't see my step, or where i am going. This is perfectly suits with what happend recently. That is why i couldn't help but to feel like i am in vast of ocean of a mist. All around just nothing but a mist and a clocks ticking. As time goes by, i still don't know where i am gonig but i do know where i want to go to. But, there's also a chain that stick on my foot that hinders me from my walking toward that goal.

Now here comes the restrained. If i explain something with my perspective, i see this world not only a small community but a whole world. I see humanity, i see us, as a human being not just as a country, or a city or even a small village but i see them all for the entire earth. I feel like i am one with everyone from all over the country. That's why i think like i belong to somewhere i can be myself which is to think humanity as whole world. We as a human, merely just a parasite in this planet. I have a couple ideas on why i think like this, and i also wanted to say that, not all people think or perceive humanity like me. Some people are only attached to one small community, family, or a country. Not that it's wrong or so, i mean, they're more happier than i am probably. Globalization, perhaps it took its effect on me. Still, i feel like i am detached from my real home which is the entire earth. Religion, races, and such, it seperates us from one and another, but truthfully for me, i don't think it's necessary because in the end we're all humans. That what makes me sad that, we have to fight just because of different idealism or should i say an idea. I've talked with so many people from all over the world, even from some places where i couldn't even think, and thus it makes me think that human unification is practically impossible with these labels around. Especially religion, most of em are strict because you have to preserve that religion by marrying or connecting with someone only with the same religion. It's frustrated me because of all the possibility, the door is closed because of that label. It locked me out and i can't enter to see what's inside of it. After all, i want to create, i want to write my own stories. Roman. That's what i live for. I want to finish a story of myself. I believe i live to create my own stories, to make that happy ending. or perhaps an ephiphany? or it could be sad ending, but still it's my own stories. What makes us difference from animals ? Humans has a capability to fantasize. What do i mean by this? It means, human can grasp something or understand something that is unreachable by making a rational meaning with our heads. Language, math, etc, those are a product of human fantasy. Those are all just a made up theories by human to grasp what's in this world. To understand them. The power of understanding.

"To gain an understanding of what is incomprehensible, they dream, staring." 

I heard that phrase from a game that i love before and it does really makes sense.

"We incessantly tried to accept it. We wanted to understand them in our heads by any means, regardless of the consequences. "

That is a delusion of humanity trying to understand without thinking any consequences of all around the world. Now, if all those are product of human fantasy, what about something superstisious? To be honest, i really like about something superstisious like the ephipany and others i got. But, what makes me wonder is that the consequences of the choices itself. Some of it will make you labeled and it became a chain that hinders your move or locked a door behind you. You can still break the door out and the label, but it require you to remove part of your body. It takes a lot of courage to do so. Regardless.... of the consequences....

Superstisious and rational thinking is actually tied to one and another. It just how you perceive things and how you able to understand it or not. First of all, whenever you see something that is hard to explain just because your eye got that information and rushed into your brain, you'll think of it as magic or something that is unexplainable. Truthfully, it does at first but once you understand how the nature of the superstitious things, you'll start to accept it logically and somehow it will be logical on its own terms. How do i say it in laymen terms tho... Something that is not within your grasp, will slowly be able to be understandable with experience. In other words, what you have to do is to believe it first. Like demons, angels, and gods. They say something that is we can't see or something we can't comprehend yet, what we can do is to believe it. I read from haruki murakami's, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and his years of pilgrimmage, that we have to take a big leap before we see if it's true or not. You can believe if there's no god or there's a god but once you know the answer, it's already too late. I really adore that phrase. Thus makes me wonder a bit.

With this, i want to talk about how i perceive the world as a whole world not a small community. We are all human being, back then we fight in group and fight for what we believe, or fight for something there is a reason to fight for. But it's because of the clash of Ideal of each other, right or wrong. Truthfully, there's not completely right or wrong because the rationality to maintain discretion is there, for me atleast. I feel like if i love something as a human being that capable of, strictly chained by those ideals is really not good for humanity as it will erase the others as well. God is something infinite, something that humanity will never ever able to comprehend. A sin of a person will always be able to be forgiven no matter how it is they said. As long the person will going back to the right track or atleast tried to be a better person, god will forgive them no matter how it is. I don't know if it's true or not, but like i said before once we know the truth, it's already too late, but i do believe god is forgiving but not for human. These labels that created by other human is something i couldn't accept to be honest. Because they locked the doors of oppotunities for those with certain labels, including myself. I want to see human as one, i want to unite them as one, and that is only a dream of mine where i know i couldn't or impossible to do so. In the end, in the vast of ocean of mist. What truly important is to stand on my own two feet. If i couldn't, how could i move forward towards the door ?

Future is such a mystery for me as i thought i know i could do what i wanna do, i mean sure to be honest i know i could, but there's some step that i haven't grasp yet, because i don't have any guidance in this vast of ocean of mist. But if i am aware of where i am and where i should go next, i might be able to get what i want.

I don't have much time left to spend, so i have to stop here and see if i could think more to satisfy myself.