How much is it already?
I opened my eyes and woke up from my bed. I just sit on the bed, and then tried to stood up, and goes sit again to my office chair, in front of my computer once again. The weather is really nice to just tuck in my bed. Cloudy, yet fresh from the rain. I'd like to say something or should i say recite something from a novel i read, but i couldn't remember where was i read about it. I rummage some of my photos that i took with my camera on my phone and i couldn't find any. But nontheless, i found what i wanted to write inside my mind and i quickly opened this blog to write about it.
Recent activities made my body a little bit weaken. Just a bit hurt here and there but nothing much to worry about, perhaps im just too tired from all the work i had. I am trying to get focus on my goal. But of course as i cross the vast of ocean without a map or guidance such as a lighthouse on island, i can't think of a way for future. I am imperfect and sometimes i chew more than i could bite. But this world is really a sad place and i just couldn't think to not do anything about my life. I feel really restrained because i am not free and because the door of opportunity is always closed behind me because of my label makes me frustrated on how do i break the cycle of this life.
Before going into that, i wanna tell about a vision i had, or maybe a dream. Right now, outside my window, it's all gray, and windy. I can't help but to feel like i am in one of my dream or a scene where i am on a castle, where all the forest still there and the mist covering the surface because how fresh the air is still in my grasp. It was the best scene that i could imagine of and i could feel it now, there was something that trigger this is that the sound from my roof. I love how it flaps and make a certain noises to tells me the wind is actually strong while the sky is gray, it really does feel fresh. No, to be honest, this is something more like a sea of a mist. I feel like i am in real of sea of mist. Where i couldn't see my step, or where i am going. This is perfectly suits with what happend recently. That is why i couldn't help but to feel like i am in vast of ocean of a mist. All around just nothing but a mist and a clocks ticking. As time goes by, i still don't know where i am gonig but i do know where i want to go to. But, there's also a chain that stick on my foot that hinders me from my walking toward that goal.
Now here comes the restrained. If i explain something with my perspective, i see this world not only a small community but a whole world. I see humanity, i see us, as a human being not just as a country, or a city or even a small village but i see them all for the entire earth. I feel like i am one with everyone from all over the country. That's why i think like i belong to somewhere i can be myself which is to think humanity as whole world. We as a human, merely just a parasite in this planet. I have a couple ideas on why i think like this, and i also wanted to say that, not all people think or perceive humanity like me. Some people are only attached to one small community, family, or a country. Not that it's wrong or so, i mean, they're more happier than i am probably. Globalization, perhaps it took its effect on me. Still, i feel like i am detached from my real home which is the entire earth. Religion, races, and such, it seperates us from one and another, but truthfully for me, i don't think it's necessary because in the end we're all humans. That what makes me sad that, we have to fight just because of different idealism or should i say an idea. I've talked with so many people from all over the world, even from some places where i couldn't even think, and thus it makes me think that human unification is practically impossible with these labels around. Especially religion, most of em are strict because you have to preserve that religion by marrying or connecting with someone only with the same religion. It's frustrated me because of all the possibility, the door is closed because of that label. It locked me out and i can't enter to see what's inside of it. After all, i want to create, i want to write my own stories. Roman. That's what i live for. I want to finish a story of myself. I believe i live to create my own stories, to make that happy ending. or perhaps an ephiphany? or it could be sad ending, but still it's my own stories. What makes us difference from animals ? Humans has a capability to fantasize. What do i mean by this? It means, human can grasp something or understand something that is unreachable by making a rational meaning with our heads. Language, math, etc, those are a product of human fantasy. Those are all just a made up theories by human to grasp what's in this world. To understand them. The power of understanding.
"To gain an understanding of what is incomprehensible, they dream, staring."
I heard that phrase from a game that i love before and it does really makes sense.
"We incessantly tried to accept it. We wanted to understand them in our heads by any means, regardless of the consequences. "
That is a delusion of humanity trying to understand without thinking any consequences of all around the world. Now, if all those are product of human fantasy, what about something superstisious? To be honest, i really like about something superstisious like the ephipany and others i got. But, what makes me wonder is that the consequences of the choices itself. Some of it will make you labeled and it became a chain that hinders your move or locked a door behind you. You can still break the door out and the label, but it require you to remove part of your body. It takes a lot of courage to do so. Regardless.... of the consequences....
Superstisious and rational thinking is actually tied to one and another. It just how you perceive things and how you able to understand it or not. First of all, whenever you see something that is hard to explain just because your eye got that information and rushed into your brain, you'll think of it as magic or something that is unexplainable. Truthfully, it does at first but once you understand how the nature of the superstitious things, you'll start to accept it logically and somehow it will be logical on its own terms. How do i say it in laymen terms tho... Something that is not within your grasp, will slowly be able to be understandable with experience. In other words, what you have to do is to believe it first. Like demons, angels, and gods. They say something that is we can't see or something we can't comprehend yet, what we can do is to believe it. I read from haruki murakami's, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and his years of pilgrimmage, that we have to take a big leap before we see if it's true or not. You can believe if there's no god or there's a god but once you know the answer, it's already too late. I really adore that phrase. Thus makes me wonder a bit.
With this, i want to talk about how i perceive the world as a whole world not a small community. We are all human being, back then we fight in group and fight for what we believe, or fight for something there is a reason to fight for. But it's because of the clash of Ideal of each other, right or wrong. Truthfully, there's not completely right or wrong because the rationality to maintain discretion is there, for me atleast. I feel like if i love something as a human being that capable of, strictly chained by those ideals is really not good for humanity as it will erase the others as well. God is something infinite, something that humanity will never ever able to comprehend. A sin of a person will always be able to be forgiven no matter how it is they said. As long the person will going back to the right track or atleast tried to be a better person, god will forgive them no matter how it is. I don't know if it's true or not, but like i said before once we know the truth, it's already too late, but i do believe god is forgiving but not for human. These labels that created by other human is something i couldn't accept to be honest. Because they locked the doors of oppotunities for those with certain labels, including myself. I want to see human as one, i want to unite them as one, and that is only a dream of mine where i know i couldn't or impossible to do so. In the end, in the vast of ocean of mist. What truly important is to stand on my own two feet. If i couldn't, how could i move forward towards the door ?
Future is such a mystery for me as i thought i know i could do what i wanna do, i mean sure to be honest i know i could, but there's some step that i haven't grasp yet, because i don't have any guidance in this vast of ocean of mist. But if i am aware of where i am and where i should go next, i might be able to get what i want.
I don't have much time left to spend, so i have to stop here and see if i could think more to satisfy myself.