I finished my presentation for my proposal
Truthfully, i didn't expect i did it perfectly, and i didn't. But i did great and so far it's good for me to pass this step.
As i am waiting for it before, i feel, indifferent. I feel the weird calm before storm, and it does resemble what i was feeling before. I was thinking that why wouldn't i feel panic when it's one day before the presentation ? Perhaps it's because i feel ignorant for what will come or what will happend during the presentation, eitherway i feel perfectly calm, like the surface of water without any disturbant. All flat, and not a little bit wave on it.
After all it's done, i feel undisturbed. Is it because i excercise ? Or is it because i eat a lot of meat before ? I honestly love meat and perhaps it's one factor why i feel calm after that. I will actually gonna do it again if i have a chance even if i have to eat alone. I started a new habit (To be honest it's not new, but rather i just bought new book) which is going to cafe to read a book. It's felt amazing for me as i actually able to get focus on a book by myself eventho my surroundings is full of people coming with friends and or girlfriend or boyfriend. As i am sitting there alone, i rummage my book and just start to sinked in to my readings. I bought a new book which is another Haruki Murakami and since i want a new story, i bought a new one from Yagisawa Satoshi, Days at the Morisaki Bookshop (森崎書店の日々). The book is about an old bookshop, selling old or 2nd hand book and it's pretty great for me. To live in a room full with books to read, i would devour everybook, everyday, and just sit there to be on the other side of the world. The story is about a girl who just broke up from her dates and she quit her job because of it. Her uncle invited her to live in his bookshop, which is actually pretty convenient. Now, there's something i wanted to point out here that, in this story, it feels like japanese has a sense of quitting job whenever they like, which i can't feel. I have never thought of resigning from a job because perhaps i was looking for perfect job for me. Of course, i know it's not gonna happend in one go, i have to experience it first and i realized what i was doing after i graduate from my university is wrong. I do feel like i am restrained to an invisible chain and i have to break this chain for myself.
The story ended with a good stop in my opinion. The end of something and the beginning of something, it told me to express what i have to say to someone eventho it's bad or eventho it's crushing your soul, i still have to say it and i did it. It makes me feel enlighten a bit, and i feel better since then. Perhaps this is also plays role why i didn't panic that much, tho sometimes the feel of panicking still there. So, with this new novel i read, i discovered perhaps, one day i could actually end my label, and start a new label.
The next novel i bought is an old story written by english writer if i remember correctly. It's for kids that started to read i guess, but i bought it for my collection and i'd like to know what happened at the end of the series. I really love reading this novel because i could daydream myself doing the same thing as the character in the story. But reality slaps me with something different. Turns out the last chapter is so short, compare to the other chapter. The story is so straight forward, and it's super dull, i don't know how to feel it because the previous chapter was so good, but the last one is so mediocre to me now. I don't think it's because i am old, but i think it's because of the story itself so i don't blame myself for feeling or thinking like this. But i do feel nostalgic to read my old series and it was great story, i would give this to my children (If i have one).
Last thing that i want to finish is the Haruki Murakami. Of course, haruki murakami's world really interesting one and i really like how the story tells about something in life. I love how japanese literature did it, to tell about something and what is the possible outcome of something. This one is quite unique because the entire book is not only for one story, but a bunch of short stories into one. So far, i like the first chapter where a guy got invited to a mountain for a recital, and nobody is there. Then, some old guy tells him about Circle with many center. After that, there's also a chapter where a boy remember about a girl holding The Beatles record and he remember about it vividly. But nontheless he never found the girl anymore, it just stays in his dreams. The boy grown up and he break up with his first girlfriend. There's a phrase where i feel like it's connected to me.
"What i find strange about growing old isn't that I've gotten older. Not that the youthful me from the past has, without my realizing it, aged. What catches me off guard is, rather, how people from the same generation as me have become elderly, how all the pretty, vivacious girls I used to know are now old enough to have a couple grandkids. It's a little disconcerting-sad, even. Though i never feel sad at the fact that i have similarly aged. I think what makes me feel sad about the girls i knew growing old is that it forces me to admit, all over again, that my youthful dreams are gone forever."
"It's hard for me to say this now, but she never rang that special bell inside my ears. I listened as hard as I could, but never once did it ring. Sadly. The girl I knew in Tokyo was the one who did it for me. This isn't something you can choose freely, according to logic or morality. Either it happends or it doesn't. When it does, it happens of its own accord, in your consciousness or in a spot deep in your soul."
Not something you can choose freely, according to logic or morality....
This sentence does make me thing about a free will, where i can choose what i want. The label. The thing that i brought from i was born until now, which makes me who i am. If i had to choose to torn that label... i would gladly take that option.
I will talk about it in the next post, because my eyelids are getting heavy.
Good night.