I wanna dance under the rain of fallen leaves in auntumn, and let happiness take over my body.
That's what i thought everytime i talk about my dream. Telling it to someone i close with is really precious moment for me. But of course, they can't promise to be next to me forever. Recently, i feel frustrated again, but this time it's not about something i do. But it's involve on someone else.
"I don't know where you want to go, but promise that you'll take me with you"
To be longed for... It's something that i didn't expect that i actually want that. As a lonestar on the sky, i never thought that i am actually became a star. I was dreaming to be a grass instead. A grass within grassfield, a tree in the forest. But Alas, my dream brought me to be a star instead. Well, i couldn't help but to enjoy while it last to be honest. To be with someone, to be selfish, to be the most selfish person in the world. It's hard to comprehend that i am actually seeking for someone. I knew, from the beginning, even when i was a child that i'll be okay alone. I am used to be alone for a long long time because my parents are working and i am left alone in my own house which actually pretty convenient to my extend.
When i am talking about my dream, usually i say about staying in somewhere else, but for someone that i could think special, i usually say :
"I wanna dance under the rain of fallen leaves in auntumn, and let happiness take over my body"
Something that i really wanted to do, but i think there's more into it. I thought that it's actually what i want, that i wanted to dance. But in reality, there's something more into it. I recognize this feeling whenever i told about something i wanted to do. To someone that i really wanted to meet or be together. But of course we can't promise to be together forever. As when we split our way, i feel something. I feel that it's not the dance that i wanted, but to be with someone. To reach a goal together with someone. I want that someone, that is close to me heart to heart to watch me grow. To be with me, and embrace the glory together.
Have you ever seen a moon? The moon is pretty but alas it's such a lonely place to be isn't it ?
"They say too much thinking might make you a weird person"
It's probably a reason why i've become a star unconsciously. Whether i accept it or not, it's another thing.
Mostly when i am talking to someone i am wanted to be with, they'll say something that i know i couldn't control it.
"Im sure you'll be fine by your own soon."
That words struck inside my head. Partners. It's not like i wanted to live by myself, but i really do wanted a partner. It's not about me going to be better by myself. It's not about the grow by being myself alone. But to grow together with someone. That's what i seek. To be with someone that heart to heart connected with me. Having someone to take care and help you is nice isn't it ?
"Why don't you try to hang out with friends or find that has same hobby?"
Don't get me wrong, i also hangout with friends and go on a date. But it's totally different. It's not about me wanted to just do something with my friend, but there's something more into it. Something deeply connected within souls. What makes me into INFJ. I feel like they're all looked at the world one step of me or the other way around. I spend my time with someone of course, but in reality, we were never truly together. Can you comprehend that ?? To be that close heart to heart.
It's not about the hang out, it's not about the "Stuff", but to be connected with someone. Perhaps that's what i seek. I know from a long time i can be fine by myself. I want to be understood by someone else. Someone that wanted to understand me, i call for help, i scream for help.
"Understand me ! You are human being!"
But no... so far atleast i haven't found a single soul able to help me. Atlesat that's what i think. What's the point of screaming rescue me if no one ever hear? I almost think that i'd rather hide my disgust and guilt i was so used to, as if the feelings never existed in the first place. But of course, whenever i thought i find someone, my heart feels as if it were being covered in dark ash, while shattered into million of pieces.