I've been thinking again lately, the cycle of course repeating again, and im writing this to remember myself.
I remember about my own history, where i begin, where i advancing, till i am right now.
I am not afraid of facing my own past, but i am tired of facing the same exact history. I am actually desperate to find a recognition by someone, to be loved and not being neglected. I keep feeling being neglected often cause i don't know why. I suppose it's futile to obsess over such trivial things in the first place. I mean, the only one who can truly care for myself is myself. Well, i should be less expect for anyone to look out for me. I believe that "What i was suppose to do is to go for JP", but even after getting the tickets to go there still left me feel empty. It is not necessarily rational or wise to blindly follow a goal determined in the past tho.
To keep up with the rapid changes this world goes through, we must maintain discretion at all times.
Everyone is looking for a place to belong to. For me to achieve greatest happiness is to find the soulmate that i really wanted. I talked about it before that i wanted the journey to reach a goal with someone. But , to live in constant fear because of can't accomplish that goal is tiring you see. I .. can't stand on my own without the feel of belonging to a group of any kind. I'll feel so powerless... just like i am right now.. I feel like i am nothing than a pebbles for the strong to kick around. No, perhaps maybe that's what others actually do. They'd rather be a cogs in a company than try to stand all by themselves. Because i really don't want to be stricted by a company or a contract. A constant cycle.
Yeah, i am looking someplace or someone to call home as well.
Everyone wants to indulge in sweet stories.. seeing as reality is bitter and painful. Maybe that's why tragedies are unpopular, because everyone's lives are always accompanied by them.. including me. Well, i really want to have a hope for my future, but it's tiring for me to do so and simply don't have any will power anymore to harbor any hope. I am so desperate to find a place for my mind to rest. I want to maintain a relationship you know, but it feels like everything is resetting. Some are gone but some are staying. I want to believe that every cycle of this is like a wheel. A wheel advances... forward for every cycle.
I simply put too much expectation on someone or something because.. i just don't know how to become better myself... I am not afraid because of uncertain future, but i am afraid because i can predict my future. I can actually feel like that... the feel of not finding a soulmate...
To move forward, i need to rely on myself, not anyone or anything else. Right now i am obsessed with the one soulmate or experience that'll supposedly complete me. I am strictly relying on that, instead of holding any expectations for myself. And... i guess it's true.... because eventho right now i can go to jp, i still feel empty. I should put more expectation on myself even more. But i can't except to hope i can find it.
Maybe , im just too worn out to move toward that new light. There's no way i could magically start seeing light that i couldn't my whole life in the first place. Eventho i will harbor expectation... A man with no sign of improvement.
Sorrow, is still faithful to me.