I stumble upon a balcony out of books on my way up.
Everything around me is vast of bookshelves, towering towards the sky. So far all i can see is gray and white, with a single lights coming out of the sky. I took a bunch of books carefully to so the balcony won't fell off, stack it to make a simple stool to sit down. The stairs i've been climbing or should i say stepped, was full of holes, and some of it fell when i step on it. Books are all everywhere, books are the tower, and this tower is a book. I take a quick glances at the bottom and it's all a stack of books that fell down from this tower and another tower around me. The air filled with a bit of dust from the old books, but it has a great scent just like an old books has. This balcony also going to fall if i stay too long on this thing. But nontheless, i can't just keep going up without taking a breather.
"I wish i didn't climbed up here" I said to myself.
It's silent, and some noises from the falling books also heard from afar.
I could feel the tremble from those falling books, and the vibrant lights coming from the top. It's just like basking under a warm sunlight that is really comfortable for our skin. Bam, another book fell down. I quickly gather my thoughts why would i climb this stairs in the first place. I was unsure whether to climb up this tower to get into the light, but unfortunately for me, i climbed it because the top was too far to be seen. As i climbed the tower, i realized i can't go back anymore and i only have two choices. Bail out, or keep continue until the floor reached to another tower. I couldn't bail out because i've climbed this tower so far and i can see another floor on top of me, it's within my reach but i couldn't help to feel regret for climbing this tower cause as i see the other tower, there are more sturdy and even faster to reach the top.
There's a regret that i want to say, and that is the fact that i continue for master is actually contradicting with myself. I am a person that wants to do everything, that wants to learn only the surface level just to satisfy my urge, therefore a jack of all trades, instead of master of one. I seek a lot of opportunities and i don't want another opportunities to be gone just because of something. I understand why i choose to go for master because i still don't have any confident on my own. But after years studying, i realized that i am capable and i have a lot of power on myself than most people. I have the will to do it, i have the strength, i have the power of understanding. It's too late to realized about this, but it's understandable for me on why or the reason of it. I finally found a confidence in myself which is practically a good thing, i've regained something that i lost because of my past. The university, the undergraduate i went into made me not into confident person but instead doubtful person. I despise my own university, i despise my own past because of them.
The book i picked up from below, there's "undergraduate" written on the cover. The book of my past, so i solely open it and read it again.
The chapter start where i am still optimistic and happy as before. The first time i went to university went pretty much a wreck. I realized i didn't like how the system works in my department, chemistry. At first i thought i like studying it and such, but turns out, it's all a lie. I realized i never thought i wanted to be a scientist, true i like experimenting but i prefer to be adventurer. Scientist and an adventurer. Both can be the same at once, and i like to think i am both. Therefore i couldn't be just a scientist but rather also an adventurer. Back to my university, the teacher are all is really annoying, they thought they knew everything, they have no respect to their own student which i really don't like it. How should i be able to respect someone if one doesn't respect me ? I really despise them all because the method on how they teach their students is just not for me i guess. They keep punishing the students eventho there's a lot of things happening, in otherwords, excessive rationality which gonna be their own ends. I hate how it is and there's a lot pressure for a student like me, which is why i can't stand it there. Tho, at the end, i manage to just force myself for it. I am glad i managed to get the hell out from there. But it made me uncertain, and lose my confidence as a competence person. It took me a year to regain confidence back, and now i managed to get my own confidence back. Truthfully, without getting into master, i won't know if i am gonna be myself like right now or not. But i am glad i transformed into who i am right now.
I close the book, and take another glance at the cover. Somehow, it's different from before as it turns into a light and the pages slowly floating into the air, while glowing, and faded into the lights. I stood myself up, and continue climbing the tower once again. The balcony start to creek and fell all at once.