[chapter 187] The Shattered Chizuru's Determination and Heart
This article is an English translation of "【187話】打ち砕かれた千鶴の決意と心". The lines in parentheses are my translation of the Japanese version into English.
Hello! Are you enjoying Kanokari?
...This chapter was quite painful, wasn't it? I wonder if Chizuru is really okay. I'm worried.
I don't know what's going to happen to Chizuru's love that has started to progress. That's how I felt in chapter 187.
The Irreversible "Reality"
After learning Kazuya's true heart (chapter 174), Chizuru slowly began to make up her mind to become his girlfriend. In any case, if Mami is going to reveal that her relationship with Kazuya is a lie, Chizuru has no choice but to become his girlfriend as soon as possible (Chapter 184: Mami Nanami, Cupid of Love). That's when a trip with Kazuya's family for an overnight stay is proposed. As a rental girlfriend, Chizuru can never let Kazuya rent her. This is a scene where she absolutely must say no. But...
◆いえ 何でも… (No, it's nothing.) (186)
I'm going to be Kazuya's girlfriend.
I have to say yes to this proposal.
I guess it was her determination to change the current situation that made her do so. Chizuru makes the decision to go along with this trip as "me" and not as a rental girlfriend (Capter 186: What's more important than a rental girlfriend: Kazuya's girlfriend is me).
Kazuya's girlfriend is me
Oh, I always hated the fact that Ruka was Kazuya's girlfriend.
What drove Chizuru's feelings at this time must have been her true desire that Kazuya's girlfriend should be her, and that the place should belong to her. It was also the moment when she was finally able to honestly accept the feeling that she didn't want Ruka to be Kazuya's girlfriend.
However, in chapter 187, Ruka's words shattered Chizuru's resolve...
◆KAZUYA AND I WE'VE ALREADY DONE IT! (187)
KAZUYA AND I WE'VE ALREADY DONE IT!
Chizuru must have been shocked to learn that Ruka had had sex with Kazuya and that they were already in that kind of relationship. The love that she had finally grasped. Chizuru may have been relieved when Kazuya told her that he liked her.
If I had been able to turn around and tell Kazuya that I liked him when he told me that he liked me, if I had been able to realize his feelings earlier, if I had been able to realize my own feelings earlier, we might not be in this situation.
◆THE REASON I'M KAZUYA'S GIRLFRIEND IS BECAUSE OF YOU! (187)
I'm a rental girlfriend, his real girlfriend is Ruka. She is once again reminded of the magnitude of this fact. As Ruka said, Chizuru herself made Ruka Kazuya's girlfriend, and before she knew it, she was in an irreversible situation. Chizuru must have felt frustrated and terribly depressed.
◆Kazuya's girlfriend is Ruka （187）
Ruka and Kazuya have already had sex
Kazuya's girlfriend is Ruka
Chizuru collapses in the doorway, suffering from the irreversible "reality".
Chizuru now has no one she can call family. At times like this, Kazuya is the only person who can accept her weaknesses. She is not good at relying on anyone, so he is never replaceable. He is so important that even the words "boyfriend" and "future husband" are not enough ([Chizuru Mizuhara's love story] The one who will make me happy for rest of my life). If Chizuru loses Kazuya, she may not be able to really live from now on, I can even imagine that.
◆BUT IF I'M WRONG (187)
I want what Ruka said to be a lie, but maybe it's true. Six months ago, when Ruka stayed in Kazuya's room, I was able to believe his words. But when I think about it again, I feel that Kazuya was just keeping quiet because he didn't want to tell the truth. I couldn't get close to him because I was a rental girlfriend. But in the meantime, Ruka was able to stay by Kazuya's side as his girlfriend. There must have been plenty of chances for them to get closer. I know that when a cute girl like that tells you she loves you and asks for you, men will be carried away by their temporary emotions.
IT'S NATURAL, RIGHT? HE'S A MAN, AFTER ALL
If it's true, it's just frustrating. I'm sure Kazuya meant what he said when he told me he liked me that day, but if that's the kind of relationship he and Ruka have, I don't know what to do. At the party, I had the courage to ask Kazuya to go home with me, and I did my best, but I can't be close to him any longer.
◆IF HE FINDS HIMSELF A CUTE GIRLFRIEND THEN THAT'S GREAT? RIGHT? (187)
IF HE FINDS HIMSELF A CUTE GIRLFRIEND THEN THAT'S GREAT? RIGHT?
Chizuru can't help but be pained by the "reality" that Ruka and Kazuya have had sex. "Why don't I just congratulate Kazuya on his love as a rental girlfriend?" Chizuru told herself that and acted as if she had been tough.
HAAH, WHAT AM I DOING? WHY DID I SAY YES TO THAT TRIP?
If this happens, she will never have the courage to change her current relationship with Kazuya. Chizuru feels weak. She wondered if Ruka's words were true, and what their real relationship was. From this moment on, she would not be able to get this out of her mind. Maybe she can't even believe Kazuya's confession anymore.
During the trip, every time she sees Kazuya's or Ruka's face, she will be pained by Ruka's words on this day, and she will have to endure it while acting as Kazuya's girlfriend. In the worst case scenario, she might say something hurtful to Kazuya, like "I'm not interested in you," in order to avoid getting hurt. If that happens, it will be even harder for Chizuru.
I've always said that I don't care what happens to the relationship on the surface, what's important is the "feelings" of both of them. I've always insisted that if their feelings move them toward becoming lovers, that's progress. That's why even when Mami tried to destroy their relationship, I was able to say that this was the good opportunity and that Kazuya and Chizuru's relationship would take a turn for the better (Chapter 183: A true offense and defense! Mami's five cards!). However, this was the first time in the series that Chizuru's feelings moved away from Kazuya. I hope she doesn't continue to move away from him, but.... I'm just worried.
Chizuru Overcoming Her Struggles
It's really hard for me to see Chizuru now. But I want to believe that Chizuru will be okay.
Cheer up, Chizuru. You've endured a lot of hardships up until now, so you'll be fine.
好きじゃねぇよ… (I don't like you...) （chapter 32）
付き合ってないだろ…？俺たち？（We're not dating, are we...?） (chapter 91)
After Chizuru realized her love for him (chapter 86) ([Commentary] The Moment Chizuru Mizuhara Realized She Liked Kazuya!), she was tormented by the "reality" that Kazuya, her client, didn't care about her.
To Kazuya, I'm just an ally, not a lover or anything.
◆付き合ってないだろ？…俺たち… (We're not dating, are we...? ) (91)
◆”恋心”って もっと別のものでしょう？ （Isn't "love" something else？）（121）
◆第一 レンタル彼女に本気になるほど馬鹿な人じゃないわ （He's not stupid enough to get serious about a rental girlfriend in the first place.) (121)
Until she learned Kazuya's true heart, Chizuru thought that he liked her as a rental girlfriend, as an actress, and not as a love interest. It never occurred to her that Kazuya might like her at all. Eventually Kazuya would have a real girlfriend and my role would be over. At that time, there would be no need for false lovers or rentals, and I would lose my connection with Kazuya. She must have been fighting against such despair ([Commentary] Chizuru Mizuhara's Struggle Was More Serious Than We Imagined).
But even in such a painful situation, Chizuru said this ([Commentary] I DON'T LIKE HIM, BUT I DON'T NOT LIKE HIM, EITHER).
◆I DON'T LIKE HIM, BUT I DON'T NOT LIKE HIM, EITHER (127)
I DON'T LIKE HIM, BUT I DON'T NOT LIKE HIM, EITHER
That day, Chizuru could have given up on her future with Kazuya and said, "I don't think anything of him". But she said, "I like him"
師匠は水原さんのこと 女として好きなんス！
お客さんの中に 水原さんを一生幸せにする人が
いるかもしれないっス！
借り物から始まる恋も あるハズっス
(Kazuya likes you as a woman! There might be someone among the clients who will make you happy for the rest of your life! There are some loves that start from renting.)
I'm sure Kazuya will never fall in love with me. Even though she felt this hopeless "reality," Chizuru could not give up on her future with Kazuya. That's how strong her feelings are.
Calm down, Chizuru. You know that Ruka is the kind of girl who lies when it comes to Kazuya, right? It's definitely not true. You can believe in your future with Kazuya again.
On this day, I think she' s really depressed because she was expecting to become a lover with Kazuya. But there is almost a month until the trip. After a while, when she can calmly look at her current situation, I'm sure she'll realize that Ruka is bluffing. I hope so.
The Truth Behind Chizuru
◆俺…ずっと前から君のこと… (I've... been in love with you for a long time...) (174)
俺… ずっと前から君のこと… (I've... been in love with you for a long time...)
Kazuya's confession must have changed the way Chizuru saw the world. This is the strongest trump card that Chizuru has grasped after all her suffering.
Until Kazuya's confession, Chizuru had not been able to realize the true feelings behind his words.
But now it's different. I'm sure she knows why Kazuya always rushed to her side when she was really in pain, and why he stayed by her side.
◆俺が 金集める 水原は出ろ！ (I'll collect the money. You get in the movie!) (102)
◆だから今度は 俺が… (So now I'm gonna...) (117)
◆ずっと悩んでた ちづるちゃんとおばあさんの為に 何かできないかって (Kazuya-kun has been struggling to find something he can do for you and your grandmother.) (143)
◆俺の理想の彼女はさ… (My perfect girlfriend is...) (164)
Chizuru, Kazuya was always there for you when you were in trouble, look at that certain truth! The one you trust the most now is Kazuya, right? Just believe what Kazuya said that day when he told you he loved you!
◆君がいいっ 君が！ (You are the one!) (50)
◆いつも通りの水原が理想なんだ！（You're just the way you've always been, and that's my ideal）(56)
◆心から好きだって思える人にしようって！ (I'm going to make sure it's someone I can truly love!) (138)
君がいいっ 君が！
いつも通りの水原が理想なんだ
心から好きだって思える人にしようって！
(You are the one!)
(You're just the way you've always been, and that's my ideal）
(I'm going to make sure it's someone I can truly love!)
Because of their relationship as a rental girlfriend and a client, Chizuru was unable to recognize Kazuya's feelings. But from now on, it's different. If Chizuru can believe Kazuya's words that he likes her, even just a little, and if she wants to believe it, she will realize the truth behind his words.
Kazuya likes Chizuru.
I believe that this truth will support and save Chizuru who has been hurt (seriously, please).
This trip could turn Chizuru's feelings in either a bad or a good direction. Worst of all, she may be faced with the painful reality that she cannot be the one to come between Ruka and Kazuya.
Looking at Chizuru's situation and how she was this day, her depression is serious. No matter how much Kazuya tells her that he loves her, this wound is not going to heal unless Ruka reveals that everything she said was a lie. I'm not joking or delusional by any means, but I believe that what Chizuru needs right now is a kiss or a hug from Kazuya.
I need proof that Kazuya likes me.
If Chizuru can't get anything more than what Ruka got from Kazuya, I really don't think her broken heart will heal. It looks that serious. I hope they can use this incident as an opportunity to move in a better direction...That will depend on what kind of situation Chizuru will be given in this trip.
So that's how I looked back at chapter 187, or rather, how I cheered for Chizuru. As long as Kazuya's feelings don't really leave Chizuru, she will be fine.
Chizuru, just calm down. It's okay. Believe in the time you've spent with Kazuya! Listen to what Kazuya has to say!
Chizuru will be fine, let's believe that and watch over their love.
You may also be interested in "水原千鶴の恋物語 (Chizuru Mizuhara's Love Story)", a series of articles analyzing chapters 1-175 from from Chizuru's point of view.
