mental block
It is difficult to face problems that I have mental block about. If I become not careful, I tend to be upset and tell somebody things I don't need to say. I decided not to say anything until I become confident and ready for it.
Hmm.. but it is so stressful. Those problems themselves are stressful and also keeping them inside is stressful too. I need to find something fun that makes me forget everything and just concentrate on it. ヽ(`Д´)ノ guo--
contract is day after tomorrow
I have two days to decide if I should take time off from school. After I considered about many things, I feel like studying. I will have the apartment contract on Friday, so I've got to decide by then.
I went to the school gym to practice basketball and do some exercise. I was surprised because there was only one boy using the baskeball court. I was glad to use the almost empty court but the basketball I borrowed was under inflated. I think I am going to sign up for a locker, if I decide to stay here, so that I can keep my basketball and use it anytime. (*＾ー＾)ノ
dizzy..
I had bad dizziness today. I almost fell down to the floor. I have been ok nowadays so I didn't expect it. I need to take more iron--. (＠Д＠；
the end of a longer weekend
I could study a lot today. I wasn't unwilling to study at all. If I can continue this, I think I don't need to go back to Japan. Now I can't hang out with friends, but when my studying becomes stable I will start everything I want to do.
I spent time by myself this longer weekend. It was really really good for me. I could organize several things in my mind. I think I don't need to be sad or lonely anymore. My feeling is so light. I hope this will last long. o(^-^)o
Comfortable..
My own pace
I had so many things going on nowadays, so I have been always sad, worried, exausted, lonely, and etc. It was rare that I didn't cry at all a day. But I was fine today finally. I enjoyed being by myself and learning about an economist was fun. Since I dropped a very busy class, I feel like I have more time now. So I could read articles with my own pace. I think that the reason why I couldn't enjoy studying in this school so far is I was always rushed due to the lack of time caused by the quarter system and I was just memorizing things for exams. In today's reading, I could read several times until I understand the sentences. It takes a lot of time, but this is the best way. I do things slowly but this is my own pace. If I can't keep it, my mental state gets messed up. I won't care if some people don't understand me. I will try to keep this tempo.
I started to meditate. It helps me relax. I hope I can continue it. (*゜▽゜ノノ゛☆
Talking helps!
My studying today was ok. I could study for two hours with concentration. After I kind of finished my studying, I talked with my friend about white people here, about Japanese girl etc etc. He said he wanted to go to Japan to teach English, but I said it was good that he didn't go. He is half Japanese and white so I would imagine any school girls like him. I told him that and he was just laughing and laughing. He said he is not interested in high school girls. (... I hope so. =_= ) We ended up talking about discrimination problems in this country and I talked about my old host family because I felt they were a little bit discriminate from what they say. I talked about what I experienced in that family and he said that host family is white trash. He was sorry because I had a bad first impression of white people.
One of the ways to manage stress is to talk. I could talk a lot today both in English and Japanese, so I think the stress level decreased again too. o(^-^)o My roommate went back to her house so I am afraid I will be lonely but I will try to keep myself entertained by doing something other than studying.
Getting recharged..
I have been thinking if I should go back to Japan or not since I have no concentration on studying and I am just exausted. I have been depressed and felt sick. Sometimes I felt fine as if I could do anything but it didn't last long.
But now, I started to feel fine naturally and little by little after people who are close to me listened to me whining and complaning and gave me some important advice. Maybe I just wanted to be encouraged by them. I am not good at getting help from the other people. I tend to depend on somebody (only a few people) too much and I only listen to those. This time, I opened up and got more opinions. I think it was good. They encouraged me a lot.
I decided to stop making efforts to the degree that I get depressed and sick. In Japan, to keep making efforts especially when they are exausted is preferable. If they get sick, it means they are weak and their existence is not asked for in the society. Very severe and exclusive. This thought can be applied in some different cultures too but I just don't want to be influenced by it. I want to be strong and ready enough even if I need to stay in that kind of world.
To become so, I really need to know what is interesting to me. I know it is really rare that I can have a job in what I am interested in. So I need to get something interesting that help me go through the hard things. To keep balanced. I need to find out if I really like Economics and Accounting. If not, I need to move on to next things.
I really appreciate to those who took time for me even though they are very busy. m(_ _ )m
Classmate
I had a chance to talk to my classmate today. She is from here and half white and Korean. I originally met her in Korean class last year and also we are in the same Econ classes but I didn't really have chance to get to know her. She is too funny. She calls anybody loser, freak, etc but I don't know why, it is not annoying at all. Just funny. The words she uses are not really polite, but she helped me to look up what I need for my major. She seems nice. I prefer to hang out with people who are funny and not too polite (if so, I get nervous all the time).
She said she got a C from the introduction accounting class a while ago. Because of that, she can't minor in accounting at all. If she had got C- or lower, she could retake the same class and had chance to minor in it. The school system here is not that reasonable and not helping students.
I found out that two accounting classes are accepted as Econ elective classes, so I just need to take 9 classes to graduate! (3 classes each quarter). Thist would help my decision I need to make soon.
Slow Sunday
I talked to my friend on the phone tonight. We are supposed to go eat earlier today but we didn't because she was really tired from work. She said she had been working until past 12 am for the past days. On the phone, she said "kinou tanjoubi datta yone? Your birthday is 24th, right? omedeto-." (-。－；) Today is 27th. She is two days behind.. haha.. I kind of got worried about her. Obviously, her days have been hectic. But I was really glad she gave me omedetou. ^^
From next week, I will study with an American friend after class, play badminton with my Tai friend, go to the gym and work out, have lunch with Korean friend on weekend and etc. If I can, I want to restart learning Korean from a Korean lady who was teaching me in the winter quarter. My life is getting back to before.
Research.. research.. Paul Samuelson.. why him..
(TωT)