From My Mother's Fall to Her Passing (6)

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【日本語で読む】

Google Gemini & ChatGPT translated this article from Japanese to English.

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Continues

My beloved mother passed away on November 26th of last year.

『My beloved mother passed away on 11/26/2023.』This article has 7568 characters. (Estimated reading time: about 7 minutes and …

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This is the sixth and final installment of the short yet long story of our mother-son relationship, spanning less than a day from the moment I discovered my mother unconscious on the day before her passing to her last breath.

If you are just starting with this sixth installment, I would be happy if you could go back to the first installment, "From My Mother's Fall to Her Passing (1)," and read it from the beginning.

『From My Mother's Fall to Her Passing (1)』This article has 5559 characters. (Estimated reading time: about 6 minutes and …

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And now, for the final installment.

I would be grateful if you could read to the end.

My Mother's Favorite Care Manager

Before I continue, I would like to take a moment to share about my mother's favorite care manager.

My mother's care manager had changed hands a few times before I met this particular one. She was the third one to take on the role.

All three care managers who worked with my mother were dedicated and exceptional individuals, each giving their utmost to her care. However, it was the third and final care manager who held a particularly special place in my mother's heart.

The last care manager was a female, about ten years younger than me. She had two kids and had worked as a care helper before becoming a care manager.

Whenever this care manager visited, my mother would greet her with an indescribable, lovely smile. The care manager would always respond with a lovely smile in return.

The interactions between my mother and the care manager always brought a smile to my face.

I can't help but think about how much joy it would have brought my mother to have a sister like the care manager.

As a son, I am of the opposite sex from my mother. Even though we are parent and child, there are still many things out of reach because we are of the opposite sex, and it seems that there were things that my mother was hard to tell me.

It seems that the presence of these women, the care manager I mentioned earlier and the helper who is the most trusted woman my mother has, was very important to my mother at such times.

Whenever my mother saw the care manager, she would always compliment her on her smile, saying, "You have such a lovely smile!" The care manager would always laugh and reply, "That's because of your smile."

I still remember the first time I saw my mother smile like that at this care manager, after her care had been transferred to her. "My mother can make that face?", I thought in surprise. I felt as if I had never seen her smile like that before.

But when my mother passed away, I suddenly remembered that her smile was the same one she had given me countless times as a child.

I hadn't forgotten my mother's smile.

I realized that things can look very different depending on whether you're looking at them subjectively or objectively.

I Kept It from the Care Manager

【Morning, November 26, 2023】

The morning my mother passed away. It was a Sunday.

「The time my mother lost consciousness and fell on Saturday, and I called the care manager for help.」

When my mother lost consciousness and collapsed on Saturday, I called her care manager. Here is the conversation we had during that time when they helped handle various arrangements. During that phone call, the care manager said, 'Tomorrow (Sunday, November 26), I have various matters to attend to with my children, so I won't be able to come over,' and she apologized. So I said, 'Aren't weekends your days off? Please don't worry about it. I'm already grateful for all the help you've given us today, even though you're off duty.' With that, I reassured her during our conversation.

Ideally, I should have contacted my mother's care manager immediately after her passing.

Since my mother's need for care has ceased, the care manager needs to expedite the revision of the care plan.

As a result, the home helper my mother trusted would no longer be coming.

Nevertheless, I waited for the home helper without contacting the care manager even after the morning came.

I told the home helper, "My mother passed away last night!" and tears welled up in my eyes all at once.

I tried my best to make my words understandable through my tears, even though my voice was choked with sobs. "I was aware that I was supposed to contact the care manager after my mother passed away. However, I didn't contact the care manager because I thought that if I did, my mother would no longer be able to see you(helper). I knew that my mother would be very eager to see you, and I wanted to give her the chance to do so. I didn't contact the care manager because they said they were unavailable on Sundays due to their children. Let's say that's the reason I didn't contact the care manager. And then, I tried to get you to come over. I'm sorry!"

With those words, I explained the situation to the helper in tears and apologized.

My mother was a skilled cook and knitter when she was alive.

My mother's cooking was widely praised. The restaurant my parents ran featuring her culinary skills was well-regarded, but unfortunately, they had to close it down due to unforeseen circumstances. It just so happened that one of the regular customers from that popular restaurant was a nurse at the day service center my mother attended in her later years. Anyway, everyone praised my mother's cooking, and I loved it too.

The helper explained that she wasn't supposed to be here since my mother had passed away. However, she kindly took out a hand-knitted cardigan that my mother had made and loved, and said, "Please let her wear this for the cremation ceremony." She also gave me many suggestions on things that my mother would have liked, even though I didn't know about them.

This is the last chocolate from Mom. Thank you." I said, handing the helper the usual chocolate.

The last chocolate I gave to the helper (Meiji Chocolate Effect 95%)

Thank you for the chocolate," the helper said to my mother, bowing her head gratefully. She accepted the chocolate and left

After that, I called the care manager and told her everything honestly, apologizing for what happened.

The care manager didn't blame me.

Living Fully Until Her Very Last

My mother passed away on the morning of November 26th, and her cremation was scheduled for November 29th. This meant that there were three days between her passing and the funeral. As I had mentioned earlier, I had initially thought that the time I gave her the chocolate would be my last goodbye. However, many people came to pay their respects to my mother, including the care worker who had been closest to her, other care workers who had taken care of her, and visiting nurses.

During her time in nursing care, my mother often said, "I have truly been blessed with kind people in my later years."

I shared her sentiment, so I would always parrot back to her, 'You truly were blessed with kind people in your later years, Mom.'

Born into a promise between her parent that "if you have a girl next, we'll give her to you," my mother was given away to a childless couple as an infant. She endured horrific abuse in this new home. Even after leaving home and forging her own path in life, and even after getting married, her life was a constant struggle, filled with twists and turns.

Despite her difficult past, my mother never harbored any resentment and lived a positive life until the very end. Even after being diagnosed with lung cancer in her later years, she continued her rehabilitation diligently until the day before she lost consciousness.

My mother was determined to climb the stairs on her own. I always accompanied her, walking behind her just in case she stumbled or lost her balance. I was ready to support or catch her at any moment.

The image of my mother climbing the stairs one step at a time, muttering "yoisho! yoisho!" is still vividly etched in my mind. Even after her passing, whenever I climb the stairs alone, that scene always comes back to me.

I am constantly reminded of my mother's various hardworking figures in my daily life, and I am filled with an overflowing sense of respect for her.

Just like my father, my mother lived her life to the fullest until the very end.

She will always be my pride.

My Mother's Life and Personality

While my mother's life was not without its challenges, I would not say that it was an unhappy one.

While my mother's early life was devoid of love, she was deeply loved and respected by many throughout her life, especially for her kindness and compassion. This was particularly evident during her years as a care recipient.

My mother was a selfless and compassionate woman who always put the needs of others before her own.

My mother was not only selfless and compassionate, but also remarkably unmaterialistic. She had very little desire for possessions and I never heard her express a desire for anything in particular.

My mother was a hard worker who not only contributed to the family business but also held outside jobs to make ends meet.

Despite working so hard, she never kept any of the money she earned for herself. She gave it all to her husband and children.

Even before she passed away, my mother would often tell me, "I want to be alone with you when I die. Just having you there will be enough for me." Those words were truly precious to me, and they remain a treasure I hold dear to this day.

"Don't tell anyone when I die," my mother said.

"But that's not possible," I replied.

"Just let me know when you've forgotten about it," my mother said.

At that moment, I couldn't help but ask my mother, "What about them?"

They are the ones I've mentioned many times in this blog: the home helper whom Mother trusts the most, and the care manager whom Mother really likes. "They're different," my mother replied. I still remember how I couldn't help but smile at how childishly cute my mother was at that moment.

In her later years, my mother's cognitive abilities declined, and her once dignified demeanor was entirely gone. She became like a child again, a cute old lady.

I never thought there would come a day when I would find my mother cute when she was still healthy.

Honoring my mother's wishes, I delayed the announcement of her passing and informed our relatives of her death with a bereavement notice after some time had passed.

Until My Mother Was Cremated

In the three days between my mother's passing and her cremation, many people who had been involved in her later life came to our house to pay their respects.

Some people even came to visit my mother three times, taking time out of their busy schedules to say their final goodbyes.

Seeing that the majority of my relatives had not even contacted me after learning of my mother's death, I realized that she had probably seen this coming.

Even so, so many people gathered here.

It was at this moment that I truly re-realized how much my mother was loved and cherished by everyone.

It is truly a blessing.

Since my mother's passing, I have had many opportunities to be alone with her remains. During those times, I spoke to her about many things.

There were many things I wish I could have said to her while she was still alive.

"Thank you for letting me take care of you, Mom. It was hard work, but I was so happy to do it."

I spoke these words as I stroked her soft, smooth hair.

I had wanted to speak to her while holding her hand, but I limited our touch for fear that my body heat would accelerate the decomposition of her remains.

And so, on November 29, 2023, my mother was cremated.

The Cruelty of Japan's Long-Term Care Insurance System

Since my mother's passing, there have been absolutely no visitors to my home.

I knew this would happen all along. While I believe Japan's long-term care insurance system is a remarkable achievement, I can't help but feel that it can be a difficult system for those left behind to navigate alone. I am grateful for the system, but I also recognize the challenges it can present for individuals facing this situation on their own.

I Have Music

Since my mother's passing, I've been paralyzed by grief, unable to do anything beyond the bare minimum of making funeral arrangements and handling the necessary paperwork. For a long time, I was unable to do even my music, which was my duty. Desperate to break free from my musical hiatus, I forced myself back into action by securing a live gig. I knew that once I was committed to a performance, I would have no choice but to play.

Even in the depths of my despair, music remained my lifeline.

My dreams of musical success, marriage, children, and providing a comfortable life for my parents have all crumbled away in the wake of their passing.

The forced reboot worked, and I managed to start singing again. The pain was still so intense, it was like a weight dragging me down. I just wanted to run away, to throw everything away.

Even so, I continue to sing every day, knowing that my mother would not be able to rest in peace if I stopped here.

Even in this broken state, I keep singing, hoping that one day I will overcome it all. I'm joining the younger generation, determined to make it big even at my age. I want my music to inspire others, to show them that they too can keep going, that they don't have to give up. I sing for anyone who might find solace in my words and melodies.

Offering, Music, and Everyday Life

These days, I spend my days alone, cooking and eating meals in front of the altar where I enshrine my grandparents, father, and mother. I also sing with my guitar in hand.

This season's live performances, which began in March, have been canceled due to rain or other unforeseen circumstances, and I've only been able to perform three times so far. However, if the live performances this season, which began in March, had not been canceled and had started as scheduled in March, I would have been forced to perform in my current condition, which is still not back to my pre-mother's death level due to the long period of time I was unable to sing after her passing. In a way, I felt like I was being protected by the fact that the concerts kept getting canceled.

With just a short break between seasons and before I could start recharging for the next one, my mother fell ill and passed away. As a result, I have no new songs and my performance hasn't evolved. However, I'm spending every day rehearsing in hopes of at least getting my condition back to where it was by the time I resume my live performances this season. That's how I've been spending my time since then.

Epilogue

Throughout this six-part blog series, I've shared my experiences of losing my mother. She had been battling lung cancer, but it was a stroke, not the cancer, that took her life. She passed away within a day of the stroke.

This has been a long blog post, but it's still not the whole story.

Even so, I've tried to give a brief overview of the events from the time my mother collapsed until her passing.

There were many other things that happened, and I'd like to write about them in another article if I feel so inclined in the future.

There is no clear reason for this, but I have always been hesitant to reveal too much of my personal life as a music artist. However, after losing my mother, I have decided to write about how my life with her was the foundation of my music career.

There are a few reasons why I decided to write about my mother. First, I want people to know that there were parents and children like us. Second, I want people to know what kind of mother she was.

This kind of life, and the experiences I've had up to this point, are all a part of who I am.

That's why I came to the conclusion that it would be very meaningful for people to know about this.

I haven't yet decided exactly how much of my privacy to reveal. However, I have decided to write about some of my experiences caring for my mother, something I've been hesitant to write about for a long time. I'll gradually write about it alongside my other articles, starting with a few details about my mother.

As I was writing and rereading this article, I found myself transported back in time to those moments, as if they were happening all over again. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing, and it was very difficult to finish writing, but I somehow managed to do it.

Thank you so much to everyone who read this article to the end.

And today, here I am again, offering prayers for my mother in solitude.

If you don't mind, would you please pray for my mother's soul, even though you've never met her? I would really appreciate it.

Thank you so much again.

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