From My Mother's Fall to Her Passing (1)

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Prologe

Tsukasa Minami

Japanese Singer-Songwriter

As the excitement of the new year has passed, I would like to write about the events that took place when my mother passed away last year.

『My beloved mother passed away on 11/26/2023.』This article has 7568 characters. (Estimated reading time: about 7 minutes and …

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I would like to record the events that happened before and after my mother passed away.

As a music artist, I don't think my feelings for my mother are much different from anyone else's.

There are many things that I have never told anyone, and I would like to let as many people as possible know that there was such a person as my mother in this world. I have been thinking about writing about this since I was taking care of my mother, but I decided to write here about my life with my mother.

I hope you will read to the end.

The Day Before My Mother Collapsed

【November 24, 2023】

The day I stepped into the entrance of caregiving for my mother was October 4, 2017.

I received a call that she had been in a bicycle accident and had broken four ribs.

She was still 78 years old at the time.

Six years and a few months later, on Sunday, November 26, 2023, my mother passed away at the age of 84.

During the six years from the time she broke her ribs to her passing, my mother had four long-term hospitalizations. Each time, she worked hard to regain her strength and mobility, and she maintained her physical condition.

This was also the case just before she passed away.

The doctor told her that it was impossible to treat her lung cancer, and she accepted palliative care. Still, she continued to actively do rehabilitation and walking exercises on her own.

I think one of the reasons for this was that she was determined not to be a burden to me, her son, until the end.

However, after the fourth hospitalization, she had to climb the stairs sideways, holding the handrail with both hands, and walk slowly one step at a time.

Therefore, in order to catch her if she stumbled or slipped, I would always stand right behind her every time she climbed or descended the stairs.

However, the progression of the cancer itself was relatively slow. She had a little blood in her phlegm and some pain in her lower abdomen, which was probably due to cancer metastasis, but these symptoms were manageable with relatively mild medication (acetaminophen 200mg, 2 tablets three times a day). Therefore, it seemed to me that she still had some time.

And on the night of November 24, 2023 (Friday), after having dinner on the second floor with my mother, as usual, I accompanied her to her bedroom on the third floor, just like we always did.

When I said "Goodnight" to my mother, she said "Goodnight, thank you" as usual.

This exchange had been our usual goodnight greeting for the past few days, but now that I look back, I can finally remember the complex emotions of joy, gratitude, and sadness that welled up in me when my mother always added a word of gratitude. I didn't really understand it at the time.

And this word "thank you" was the last word my mother spoke in this world. I am proud of my mother, whose last words were such a beautiful word.

When My Mother Collapsed

【November 25, 2023, morning】

My mother has never been a napper since she was a child.

So, she only sleeps at night, but for the past few days, she has been alternating between days when she can't sleep at all and days when she can sleep for a few hours.

Typically, when breakfast is ready, I go up to the third-floor bedroom of my mother and give the door a 'knock, knock, knock' three times.

When my mother answered the door, I opened it and found her already awake, sitting on the bed, waiting for me. This was a typical morning in our house.

However, on the morning of November 25, 2023, at around 7:30 AM, there was no answer when I knocked on my mother's room.

I thought, "She couldn't sleep well yesterday, so she must be sleeping well today." I felt sorry to wake her up, so I finished washing the dishes and knocked on her door again.

There was still no answer.

I was a little worried, thinking, "What? Is she still sleeping?" But I also thought, "If she is, it's the first time she's slept well in a while." So I decided to wait a little longer.

I knocked on her door for the third time.

There was still no answer.

Instead of an answer, I heard my mother's strange breathing. It was a "pfft, pfft" sound, like she was blowing air out of her lips.

I thought it was strange, so I called out, "I'm coming in!" and opened the door to my mother's room.

To my shock, I saw my mother lying on the bed, foaming at the mouth and unconscious.

To Prolong Life or Let Nature Take Its Course

I frantically called the visiting nurse station that usually comes to visit my mother.

After a while, my mother's visiting doctor came, but I don't remember if the visiting nurse came. When I asked him what would happen to my mother, he said, "Some people die within two or three days, some people come back to life, and some people just stay in bed and never wake up."

At that time, I asked him if he could give my mother an IV because she couldn't eat. I didn't understand why he asked me, "Do you want me to?" I wondered why he didn't do it right away and asked me such an obvious question.

The doctor then arranged for an oxygen tank, and after that, a technician came and my mother was connected to an oxygen tank while receiving an IV.

In retrospect, I realize that the doctor understood my mother's wishes, which were "I don't want to be kept alive with life-prolonging treatment. I don't want to be kept alive as a bedridden person." and followed the family's decision. I realize now that I was the one who was saying something strange. At that time, I thought I knew what to do in an emergency, but I didn't even realize that this was the time, and I thought, "Please help me, she's in a state of dying."

Only now, after everything is over and I can reflect on it calmly, do I realize that the act of giving my mother an IV and attaching an oxygen tank to her was itself a life-prolonging treatment. If my mother had just stayed in bed, of course, it would have gone in the completely opposite direction of my mother's wishes. Even if she regained consciousness after a long time, she would have been paralyzed all over and bedridden, which would have been the opposite of my mother's wishes and would have surely caused her pain.

I thought I understood my mother's wishes well enough, but when push came to shove, I wondered, "Why didn't they come to give her an IV? She'll die if she stays like this." I realize now that I wasn't really prepared or understanding. At that time, I was completely unable to make such a calm analysis or judgment.