2014 started in the way I wasn't expecting.
I thought I would just enjoy being with him, and I would stop crying.
When he came back from Christchurch, he had a different look on him. He seemed happy to see me, he even gave me a kiss to greet me.
On the last night before he left for Christchurch, he kissed me a few times when we were drinking. It was a nice feeling.
The night before I was gonna go back to Auckland, he told me we should stop doing things we have been doing. I cried a little and he gave me a tight hug. It was sad but I felt nice and I was sad in the morning and cried a little again but I thought everything was going to be okay.
When we went on the camp, I realized nothing was going to be okay. He refused to hug me and it just made me so sad. I cried most of the night and I couldn't sleep so much. I cried most of the day and I wasn't sure what I should do.
When he left Auckland, I just couldn't stop crying. I cried so much that I was so tired. He told me he cried the whole way home.
After a couple weeks from that night was really really hard. I cried every night and one morning I woke up crying. I felt really lonely and I was really homesick. I wasn't sure what to do next and I just wanted to give up on everything and leave here. or even end my life.
That was really stupid of me to think but I just couldn't imagine not seeing him, but at the same time I just couldn't imagine the feeling I would feel being with him without all the affection.
On my birthday, he took me out. We spent a nice day and it was really fun. I got sad again when he was leaving and I had to call him and asked him to come back as I couldn't bare the loneliness. I couldn't make a step to go up the stairs and I just couldn't pulling myself together.
He stayed for me and he let me cry. He fell asleep but I felt less lonely. Having him next to me, realizing that if I need him he will always here for me, made me fell relieved.
After that I visited him again over the weekend and again I cried a few times. I made him really angry on the first night and I just realized that I should share my feeling instead of hiding it, and we will work it out together. I don't have to pretend to be strong. I can count on him.
It's just an unfortunate thing. We do both love each other, but not a great timing.
Tomorrow, I will start a new path. I am going to work full time at a company and I will learn a lot about counseling. I met Nakagawa sensei and other advisors and it seems like if I try hard, I will be able to organize ryugaku program in NZ for the school. It will be really cool and everything I have done made who I am now and everyone loves me so really, I should start focusing more on my career and gain more experience, and be happy.
This year is going to be cool. I am more confident now. Finally, I am over my past and I am going to move forward. I will laugh as much as I can, and be happy.
I am such a great person, Manami :) I know I can do it.
Believe in myself!
I thought I would just enjoy being with him, and I would stop crying.
When he came back from Christchurch, he had a different look on him. He seemed happy to see me, he even gave me a kiss to greet me.
On the last night before he left for Christchurch, he kissed me a few times when we were drinking. It was a nice feeling.
The night before I was gonna go back to Auckland, he told me we should stop doing things we have been doing. I cried a little and he gave me a tight hug. It was sad but I felt nice and I was sad in the morning and cried a little again but I thought everything was going to be okay.
When we went on the camp, I realized nothing was going to be okay. He refused to hug me and it just made me so sad. I cried most of the night and I couldn't sleep so much. I cried most of the day and I wasn't sure what I should do.
When he left Auckland, I just couldn't stop crying. I cried so much that I was so tired. He told me he cried the whole way home.
After a couple weeks from that night was really really hard. I cried every night and one morning I woke up crying. I felt really lonely and I was really homesick. I wasn't sure what to do next and I just wanted to give up on everything and leave here. or even end my life.
That was really stupid of me to think but I just couldn't imagine not seeing him, but at the same time I just couldn't imagine the feeling I would feel being with him without all the affection.
On my birthday, he took me out. We spent a nice day and it was really fun. I got sad again when he was leaving and I had to call him and asked him to come back as I couldn't bare the loneliness. I couldn't make a step to go up the stairs and I just couldn't pulling myself together.
He stayed for me and he let me cry. He fell asleep but I felt less lonely. Having him next to me, realizing that if I need him he will always here for me, made me fell relieved.
After that I visited him again over the weekend and again I cried a few times. I made him really angry on the first night and I just realized that I should share my feeling instead of hiding it, and we will work it out together. I don't have to pretend to be strong. I can count on him.
It's just an unfortunate thing. We do both love each other, but not a great timing.
Tomorrow, I will start a new path. I am going to work full time at a company and I will learn a lot about counseling. I met Nakagawa sensei and other advisors and it seems like if I try hard, I will be able to organize ryugaku program in NZ for the school. It will be really cool and everything I have done made who I am now and everyone loves me so really, I should start focusing more on my career and gain more experience, and be happy.
This year is going to be cool. I am more confident now. Finally, I am over my past and I am going to move forward. I will laugh as much as I can, and be happy.
I am such a great person, Manami :) I know I can do it.
Believe in myself!