Friends

well since I don't have my journey anymore this is may journey and I am really glad what we have together.

We never had a time when you or I accused anything because of nationality, and that is really important with me as Austin used to circle me as Japanese. I don't think any relationship works if one accuses anything because of the culture, you have to know that everyone is different and everyone has their own value, not because of where they are born and raised but because of who they are. Of course there are difference between nationalities but you never blame anything because of that in the relationship.

Also, I though it's great that I can just grab a phone and call you for a help or just to see how you are. I am so grateful for the friendship we share and I don't want to ever lose that.

I love you a lot, maybe as a friend now. I could use a friend right now and you are the best as there's no one in the world who knows me better.

thank you for being there for me :)

everything has some meanings

まなみの人生。

カナダ留学をして
大学に合格して
またカナダ留学をして
大学を卒業して
会社に就職して
婚約して
同棲して
結婚して


きっと、全てが順調に行き過ぎてて
でも、そんな人生に満足出来なくて

別居して
フルタイムで働いて
日本を離れて
オーストラリアに行って

去年の１年は、healing time。
好きなところで、好きな事を、好きなようにする。

本当に自由に生きたと思う。

ニュージーに来て
オーストラリアにまた戻って
ニュージーにまた来て

大好きな人と一緒にいると自分がダメになりそうだったから離れた日本。
オーストラリアで自分を見つけだせそうだったのに
多分見つけ出す前にニュージーに来てしまって
大好きな人しか見えなくなって
そして失って

まなみの人生、また振り出しに戻った気がする。
でも、この間に経験したことは
掛け替えのないもので
遠回りばっかりしてる気がするし
たくさん寄り道してる気がするけど
でも、これで良かったんだって思える。

平凡に生きている人より
たくさん話が出来る。

日本に帰ってからどうするか。

とりあえず、もし日本が嫌になった時に
またどっか行けばいい。

でもそのためにはお金を貯めないと。

自由気ままに生きてよかったのは去年。
今年も自由にまなみらしく生きるけど、
でも責任を伴う事も学ばないと。

生まれて初めて、生活するために働いてる。
家賃を払って、生きていけるために働いてる。

友達もあまりいないこのニュージーランドで
毎日生きてる。

まなみの人生。
波瀾万丈でいい。

楽しまなくちゃ。

Home

I have lived in 8 different houses in the past three years.

In Shinosaka, the apartment was really nice, it was located on 22nd floor and we had such a nice view of the sunset. The half of the time there, I did not want to go home and the only way to keep myself happy was to open a bottle of wine. I used to cry a lot and I didn't feel like I was at home.

In Shinosaka, the share house. I was barely there. The share mates were nice and if I actually lived there, it might have been nice but again, that house was for me to come back to get my cloths so it felt like it was almost a storage.

In Kamishinjyo. That is the only place I could call a HOME. I was happy, content, and relaxed. I felt safe and I couldn't wait to go home after a long day at work. I loved spending time with Simon and after all, that was the home I have never really had since I moved out from my own home with my family and back then I did not know that it was the only place I can still call HOME. Whenever something bad happens, I feel like I want to go home and that is where my home is, that does not exist anymore.

In Perth. I liked it there, it was nice big house and was relaxing sitting down outside. I did lots of Yoga and went jogging around the area. But again, that was just a place to live and not a home.

In Dargaville at farm. I liked staying there, it was relaxing and I really loved waking up in the morning just looking over the farm. It wasn't really a home though, it was more like a long vacation house where I work as a helper but enjoy my time there.

In Mornington Peninsula. That was a bit of challenge living there for me but I quite enjoyed the fact that the beach was only 30 sec away and it was after all really beautiful. Whenever I felt stressed, I could just walk to the beach and relax. It made me feel like I was there as a family, and as much as it was really hard, it was nice to be around with people. But again, that was like a holiday house and it wasn't home.

In Dargaville at polyhouse. I thought, it would be like it was in Kamishinjyo, but it wasn't. I cried a lot and I just hated there. It was the worst condition I have ever lived and as much as I wanted to be with Simon, it was just too difficult for me and I just couldn't bear it and that and other factors created a lot of fights. I tried so hard to make it home but I think I tried too hard and it was just impossible, as after all, it wasn't my home at all.

In Auckland. This is again, a place to live. I like it, it's specious and nice, but no it is not my home. just a temporally place to live here.


After a long day of working, felling exhausted, all I want is hime to give me a big hug like he used to and just go to sleep. Deep sleep. Comfortable sleep.

I really miss it.

I know I cannot go back but I really really really wish I could have that again in the future.

be proud of who I am

I have accepted my life as it is right now and it feels much better.
I still feel lonely sometimes and of course I miss him and wish I were with him, but it wasn't the right time and I just have to accept it and keep going.

In the past few years, I had ups and downs and now I am finally proud of myself.

I cannot focus on bad things in my life, I have to praise myself for what I have done. The decisions I have made in the past few years were not easy ones but I did make those decisions and kept moving forward.

I am 27 years old, I think I have experienced a lot more than people around my age.
There is no knowing in the future, if I keep smiling and be beautiful both inside and outside, my life will turn out to be a wonderful one. I will find a love of my life and I will find a job I enjoy. I will build my life somewhere in the world and I will meet so many people who inspire me.

I am beautiful, Manami. I just have to believe it in myself.

This is my life and life is too short to be unhappy.

Stay happy Manami :) Smile suits me the best.

Old days

past three years,
I went through so many emotions.

Talking with my coworker reminded me of the days I used to cry every day.
The days I didn't want to live anymore, and the days I just couldn't stop crying.
The days I wished that everything's over and the days I wished I didn't have to think anymore.
The days I was in pain, and the days I put everyone else in pain.
The days I realized how much my friends care about me, and the days I realized that I am not alone.

I survived from those days.
Now I am standing the place I never even thought of when I was going through those days.

There is no right decision. No matter how book smart you are, no one knows what's right and what's wrong in the path you chose. Only you can prove that the choices you made are right and everything turned out how they are supposed to be.

There are so many things that it is hard to accept.

It is easier not to accept so there are still some kind of hope.

But that only kills you and wouldn't take you to anywhere.

No matter how hard it is, you have to accept the fact and move on.

You have to believe in yourself that you can do it and you have to do it.


I wish there are some things I did differently and the things are different now. But there's no way I can go back and change them, and even if I could change them, I don't think nothing would have been different in the end. Things happen with reasons.

Be strong,
Be patient,
Be caring,
Be happy.


I know I can do it,

Believe in myself :)

all over agin....

Sunday night,
I visited him as a best friend and we spend all day trying to work on the farm.

At night, we opened a bottle of wine, and then umeshu and then vodka and then KahLua and then...

We talked about a lot of things. I could feel that he loves me a lot and he wishes that we could be together one day. But at the same time he told me his mum is no.1 and that's his priority right now.

I had so much fun with him. He never told me how he felt since our breakup so I was happy to hear what he has in his mind.


I was not drunk.

He was drunk.


We danced and then he kissed me and that was I have missed so much for a long time. He was all over me and he told me that he has his passion back to me.

We had a wonderful time together.


The only thing I was stupid about was that,

when I woke up,

I thought everything was back as it used to be.

that he kisses me good morning and

we are all over each other again.

the way we used to be

the way I loved so much


but no in the morning,

everything was back as it was. not it used to be.



Manami,

I have to accept the fact that we are just friends.

He was drunk and he would have made out with anyone who was drinking with him.




Move on.

best friends

The past four months, we've tried, we've tried so hard.
We were miserable together, and I don't even know why.

It wasn't the best for us, he has so many things he has to do that I am not his priority and I moved to NZ so that I can be with him and had nothing but him.

I know he tried, but it wasn't the same.
I felt lonely so many times since I got here and I was really tired.
As much as he made me happy, he made me sad as well.

This was what I wanted for a long long time. Being with him the only thing I wanted and I couldn't have before. I focused on "us" too much that I couldn't see what was going on around us. It is funny because as much as I am really sad and I wish things are different, I don't want to go back to the beginning and redo everything over again. I know I've tried, and that was probably the best I could have done. Of course there are small things I could have done differently, but that wouldn't change anything in the end anyway. I wasn't his priority and I will never be his priority so I just have to accept that and move on.

I was not ready to be in the relationship either, I think. But at the same time, if he gave me everything he could, I think we should have been fine. In October when I visited him, that was the best time in my life, the happiest time in my life.

I miss him and I miss what we had together, but it is time to move on as I cannot go back to the past.

It was a bad timing and that was all. It's not my fault nor his fault. No one to be blamed.

Now I have to focus on the future, and our beautiful friendship. Nobody probably get it. He had helped me so much that I could never hate him or stop being his friend. I love him so much and that will never change.

Just be happy Manami, be there for him and be a good friend. That's what he needs the most right now. He was always there for me, he helped me so much and without him, I wouldn't be standing where I am and I wouldn't be who I am now. I have to accept the fact that he doesn't feel the same about me and there's no more passion for me. It's しょうがない, it's not my fault. I've tried and I've tried. That was all I could have done.

Just enjoy the time here, I chose to be here.

love you

Love you cutie :) can't wait to have you here.


I am his girlfriend, Manami.
I can tell him how much I love him.
That's something I wasn't able to do before.
That's something I always wished I could do.

Only 10 more days.

I will be next to him.
I will be smiling at him.
I will be kissing him.
I will be hugging him.
I will be holding his hand.
I will be sleeping beside him.
I will be waking up with him.
I will be hanging out with him.
I will be ...

So many things I will be doing with him, and it will be amazing.

I am lucky, Manami.

I am really lucky.

Be nice to people,
and I'll be a nice person.

素敵だね

I haven't listened to this song for a long time....
I somehow forgot to download it since I got my new laptop, which is more than a year ago.
Listening to this song brought me back all the memories of the days and nights I cried so much and wished I were with him. It reminded me of the times when he sang it at Karaoke and how much I loved listening to it. The song describes how I felt back then and just the lots of tears fell down my cheeks. It has been a long way. Almost three years since we first became friends and went through so much together. As much as I was hurt by the divorce, I couldn't forgive myself for what I've done. I couldn't tell anyone and it was just too much for me.
Now, I am only a week and half away to be able to live with him again. And I am his girlfriend now. I hated going home middle of the nights and all the lies I had to tell. I hated not being able to hold his hands and walk around. I hated that I had no one to talk to about it. I thought I could never have him but at the same time at the bottom of my heart I always wished that one day he might change his mind and would love me so much. I went through ups and downs and along the way I cried so much. There are lots of nights that he let me cry on his shoulders and listened to me patiently. When I left my marriage, he told me that I can never live with him and I can never be his girlfriend. How many times had he told me and how many times I wished that I had been his girlfriend. I remember the morning in January, after not seeing him for weeks and after drinking way too much than I should, after I saw him making out with other girls, we went to a hotel and made love. He told me he loved me and I told him that I loved him. That's the morning when I decided that I cannot live my life without feeling this happy. I couldn't imagine I would ever feel the way I did that morning with my ex. I was happy, content and there's nothing more I wanted to have.

I'm lucky, I am really lucky.
He is my best friend and he loves me. He told me that he'd regret it if we didn't try. We are perfect to each others and we will have so much fun together when I go there.
I could do all the things I've always wanted to do, tell him how much I love him and hold his hands. No more hiding, no more secrets.

I love you so much, Simon, cannot wait to spend time with you.

no title

I've decided to leave Australia on March.15th.
I kind of wanted to stay here till the year ends, but at the same time I don't have faith in us that we could survive for another two months. I hate myself for being so weak. Sometimes he makes me feel like I have made a wrong decision. I leave everything behind just to be with him, even though that means that I make my mum cry, but sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. He wouldn't do that for me, Manami. He will do whatever he wants to do with me or without me, he wouldn't leave everything behind so we can be together.

I am just really upset with myself for being weak, for being in love with him. The way he talks scares me. He puts me down.

振り回されてばかりで疲れた。