Past seven years

Hey you, 

I am so sorry that it didn't occure to me that you have been the only person in this whole world who understands me the best, who has never given up on me, and who has always been there for me. No matter what, you have alwasy there for me. You have always made me feel better. You have alwasy loved me. 

I didn't even know that you remember our memories together in the beginning. I didn't realise that you have been in love with me from the start. We had ups and downs, away and together, laughs and tears, but you have always loved me more than anyone else ever has and ever will. I didn't know that you couldn't sleep because of me, and I didn't know that I have been breaking you and hurting you. I thought I always knew you and thought the best for you, but I was so naive and insensitive that I didn't even try to see that you have been suffering. 

I respect you so much and I will never want to lose you. I do want to change and be a better person. I know I have said it so many times but I will control my life and be a person who deserves your love. 

I cannot express how much I love you. Nothing should matter as long as we are together. Nothing could hurt me as long as we are together. I don't have to cry anymore, I have the one thing I have always wanted in my life. 

Thank you for not giving up on me. 

Be happy :) 

Ever lasting

In Novemer 2016, we had another big argument. 

We had been happy most of the time but still we had moments when we argue a lot and we were irritated to each others a lot. We didn't know what to do, we talked over and over and it didn't seem like we can sort it out. 

When we had the last big argument, I thought it was the end. He didn't want to be with me anymore and I wasn't sure how I felt as it had been really hard on me to. But next morning, when I was crying, and he told me that he cannot imagine the life without me, and he cried a lot as well, I realized that I was not the only one who has been fighting to make the relationship work. I realized how much he loves me, he always has and he always will just like I always have and I always will. 

今まで、本当にいろんなことがあったけど、悲しいこと、嬉しいこと、辛いこと、楽しいこと、数え切れないくらいのことを経験して、二人で乗り越えで、一緒にいて、離れ離れになって、同じ道を歩んだり、別の道を進んだり、でも今こうやって一緒に笑いあえること、一緒に手を繋いで眠れること、支え合って生きていけること、本当にかけがえがなく、幸せなことだと思う。あの朝見た涙は、一生忘れないと思う。

今まで、いっぱい迷惑かけてごめんね。わがままに振り回したり、傷つけたり、これからもきっと長い人生、いろんなことがあると思うけど、1日でも多く笑って過ごせるように、一緒に二人の道を歩んでいきたいなと思う。

大好きなあなたへ。

これからもよろしくね。

I love you so much

I love you a lot, you have helped me grow a lot in these past few years. Without you, I hadn't been able to be who I am, and where I am standing. You have helped me so much. You have always been there for me, my number one support. Being your best friend is the most honorable thing happened in my life, and being your partner is the most amazing thing happened in my life. You make me the happiest person in this whole world, and I should never taken it for granted.

I am sorry, I am really sorry that I have hurt you the other day. I am scared, that some day I might lose you. I don't want that to happen, and it's all up to me so I have to take control of myself and change completely. Remember the girl who used to cry every day? Remember the girl who was so vulnerable? I am not that girl anymore, and I know I can get rid of the angry part of myself and be more patient, kinder person.

I've got everything I want, I ever wished for, so stop being a sook and be happy. Be thankful for what I have, be grateful for what is around me.

I love you so much, thank you for being always there for me. I promise, I will keep promise that I will never ever hurt you again.

You are the best thing happened to me.

Love you lots.

2016.5.22

3週間ぶりに帰った日本。
4年ぶりの大阪は変わってた事も多かったけど、そのままの事も多くて。
家族、友達、たくさんの優しさにふれ本当に楽しかった。
4年前、日本を出た時は、逃げるように去り、ずっと帰りたくなかった。
久しぶりに帰った日本は、みんなの愛であふれていて、次はずっとそこに居たくて、NZに帰りたくなかった。
Simonがいるから帰る。それじゃダメだと思う。まなみは、自分の意思で日本を離れて、NZに住む事を決めた。チャーチに引っ越して、ビジネスを始めて、Simonと一緒にこれから生きて行く事を決めた。全部、自分で決めた事。この4年を振り返り、麻奈美は本当に強くなったと思う。自分から逃げてた。人のせいにしてた。すぐ泣き、全てが嫌になった。
そんなまなみを変え、強くさせ、成長させたのは、海外に住んだから。
何度日本に帰りたいと思っても、頑張り続けたから。まなみには、帰る場所が2つある。暖く迎えてくれる人達が日本にも、NZにもいて幸せ。
自分の意思で、状況を変える事が出きる。日本にすぐ戻るっていうのは、まなみの大切なものを失う事。究極の選択をしなくても、まなみには両方を手に入れる事が出来るはず。今は、どこにいても、Button away. そんな恵まれた環境にいるんだから、自分をしっかり持って、全てを手に入れる事が出来るように、頑張ればいい。
笑顔を忘れず、前向きに。
楽しもう。
There's always a way if there's a will.

前を向いて歩こう。

New Chapter

I cannot quite get used to the idea of us living together, me not having to leave or you not having to leave. Every day you come home from work and I get to hang out with you, every time I finish work I can come home and cuddle with you. When I first moved to Christchurch, I was a bit stressed out as I missed Auckland so much and I felt useless for not working but as the time goes by, I am getting used to living here and it is so nice to have you with me. It's only been one night that you are away and I miss you a lot, but I am really happy that you are coming home to me soon and our life continues. I cannot take it for a granted what you do for me, how lucky I am to have you and how happy you make me :) I love you so much and I cannot imagine my life without you. When I came home from work last night and ate my dinner by myself watching a show, it reminded me that's the life I had a the past couple years. I am so lucky that I have you now to watch shows together, eat dinner together, spend weekend together, go grocery shopping together etc... I love you so much and I hope we will have a fantastic time together.

Relax, enjoy, don't worry and be happy. I deserve to be happy and so does he. We will support each other and make ourselves happy :)

Love you lots x

30 years old♡

Time flies.
I’ve turned 30 years old. In my 20s, I've done so many things. I lived in Canada, graduated from university, worked at my first company, worked as a teacher, got married, got divorces, lived in Australia and I have lived in New Zealand. I don't regret anything I've done, because all these things I've been though made me who I am now and I am proud of how far I came, and where I am standing. It has not always been an easy ride, but through my tears and laughters, I've became a person who I would have respected to a long time ago. When I left Japan, I wanted to be more mature, more patient, more thoughtful, more beautiful, and I wanted to be a confident person. All my journey made me realize that I can be whoever I want to be, and life is too short to be sad and it's much better to appreciate what you've got and be happy. My glass is always half full :) can't wait for a new chapter of my life.

光陰矢の如し。
30歳になりました。20代、振り返るとたくさんの事を経験したな。カナダに住んで、大学を卒業し、初めて会社で働き、教師になり、結婚し、離婚し、オーストラリアに住み、そしてニュージーランドに住み。今までやってきた事全て後悔をしていないのは、この全ての経験があるからこそ今の自分がいて、ここまで歩んできたこと、そして今立っているこの場所に誇りを持つ事が出来るから。大変な事もあったけど、泣いたり、笑ったりしながら、昔の自分が尊敬するような人になれた気がします。日本を発った時、もっと大人になりたかったし、我慢強く、思いやりのある、綺麗で自分に自信がある人になりたかった。この旅を通して、なりたい自分になろうと思えばなれる事、そして人生は短く、悲しむより、自分が持っているものに感謝し、幸せになる方が素敵だって気付きました。常にポジティブ思考で。新しい人生の章の幕開け、楽しみです。　

相手を想いやる事

一緒にいる時間が長いと、一緒にいる事が当たり前になって、想いやりの心が薄れていっちゃうんじゃないかなって思う。
相手のためを思って行動すると、その優しさは同じように自分に返ってくる。
本当に辛かった時にそばでいつも支えてくれた人。
しんどい時に一緒に乗り越えてきた人。
何度も離れ、それと同じ数だけ一緒になり。
いつかはって夢に描いてた未来が今現実のものとなってる。

もうこれ以上お互いを傷つける必要はない。
悲しい思いをすることも、させることもない。
多分世界中で一番、自分の事をわかっていて、お互いの事をわかっている存在。
ずっとこれから一緒に人生を歩んでいきたいと思う存在。

相手の事を一番に考えて、どうやったら上手くいくか考える。
まだ起こっていない事を心配するんじゃなくて、２人でどう力を合わせれば乗り越えられるか考える。
どんなに大変でも、しんどくても、お金がなくても、あの朝泣きながら目覚めた日に比べたら、隣に居て暖かく包んでくれるだけ幸せ。もう無理かもって諦めた日に比べたら、幸せ。

せっかくこうしてやっと一緒になれたのだから、文句を言わず、喧嘩をせず、２人で手をつないで笑って毎日を過ごしたいな。

自分が変わる事で、２人の関係がもっと良いものになる。譲り合って、尊敬し合って、優しさを分け合って、幸せを分け合う。

これから、たくさんのおやすみのキスをして、それと同じ数のおはようのキスをして、抱き合って、安心して過ごせますように。

Be patient, be nice, be mature, be positive, be beautiful :)

New start

It's 2016.
I went to spend two weeks with him and it was really nice. We had an argument on new year's eve because I was a little drunk and stupid, I should have known better when he is stressed out. I will change to be a better person, more considerate and patient.

Looking back 2015, so many things have happened. I was happy to spend a few months with him before he left for Japan, when he left I was really sad but I supported him and then he told me how he felt and we started our journey together. He continued to search his opportunities in Japan and I was ready to go back to live with him there. It didn't turn out well so he decided to come back here. He couldn't find a good job up here so he decided to move to Christchurch. We applied for a partnership visa and got approved, and in a month or so I will be moving down there. I am not sure what I will be doing for my job but whatever it is, I will be able to come home to him and share my day, lay down together and wake up next to him. We will save money for buying a house, and we will build our life together.

One year ago, I thought none of these could be real. Two years ago, every hope I had crashed into tears. Three years ago, I was worried about how our relationship would work out. Four years ago, I wished I could hold on to what I had. Five years ago, I was crying the most of time. Six years ago, I didn't know you would be the most important person in the world for me. You've changed my life, you've made me sad and hurt, but most important of all, you made me the happiest girl in the world and you supported me all along these amazing few years. I am not sure what 2016 will bring us but we will have an amazing beautiful year, and I hope we will make our dreams come true step by step. I cannot wait to spend my life with you, I will gambaru for a few weeks before I put an end on this chapter of living in Auckland, and starting a new chapter with you.

仕事を辞めて、友達と別れて、新しい土地に行く。この数年間で、何度も繰り返した事。オーストラリアでは、旅行気分で楽しかったけど、ニュージーランドは生活をしていかなくちゃいけなかったから辛い事もたくさんあった。でも、こうやって30歳を目前にした今、まなみは幸せです。離婚してしんどかった時、高校生の卒業式に参加して18歳に戻れたらって思った事があったけど、今は全ての出来事と感情に感謝出来る。それも、全て大切なあなたのおかげ。きっと、また環境が変わって、しんどい事もあるかもしれないけど、でも、傷つけちゃいけない。忘れちゃいけない。まなみの人生の中で、何が一番大切かを。２人一緒にいれば、辛い事も乗り越えれる。今まで何度も支え合ってきたように。2016年、新しい章の幕開け。これから一緒に２人で手を取り合って歩んでいけるように、焦らず、ゆっくりと、楽しく、笑顔で、幸せな日々を過ごしていく。

We are the best :D

beautiful days

These days, I get lots of nice messages. They cheer me up, make me smile, and fill my heart with happiness. After all the years of going through different stages, we finally be able to be honest to each other, happy for each other, support each other, respect each other, and love each other more than anyone could ever love someone.
I've cried a lot in the past few years and we've hurt each other, but with everything we went though, we have became an amazing couple, who could go through anything that comes in front of us.

Seeing my friend suffers from the marriage, made me ache my heart. I know what it's like to be so depressed, tired of the relationship, feeling lost and wishing to be alone. I really feel sorry for them. People say that you could not fix something that has broken, but that is not entirely true. I've been there both, one that we couldn't fix and the another that we could. I don't ever want to feel the way I felt back then, that is a really sad empty feeling that no one should feel.

I will do everything that takes for us to stay happy, he makes my day shine, and I don't know what I would do without having him, there for me, he is the best thing happened in my life and I hope we will have a happily ever after ending.

Love you lots x

My new goals in 2015

Today, I found out that my best friend's little boy might be sick again... I seriously thought about going back to Japan, but after thinking for a long time, I have decided that I am going to stay here till the end of the year, and I will go back to Japan next year and live with him.

No matter how much I miss him, no matter how much I wish I could be there for my best friend, I know I would always regret it if I go back to Japan now. I want to finish this year, attend the wedding, have a trip with my other best friend, and then end this chapter of my life. 6 more months. I will spend every single minute of my life here doing things I like, improving my English, saving money, making lots of memories, and making the most of it. I need to be strong, patient, beautiful and confident.
I think i can do it, I am much more stronger than I give myself a credit for.
I am much more patient than I used to be.
I am (still trying to be) more beautiful inside and outside.
and I do believe in myself that makes me have confidence in myself.

There will be a lot of things I can do for her even though I am not physically there for her.
Nothing will change between me and him because we got a strong tie as best friends.

No need to worry about anything, just be myself Manami and be happy.
Be happy for how fortunate I am, and be thankful for what I've found in my life.

With Love -