Future together

I had a bad day at work yesterday.
I realized that I would probably not be able to apply for PR and I was really sad that I am leaving, but at the same time that has been my goal and motivating me to stay here without Simon so I just couldn't bear it anymore. I hadn't cried a lot since he left so it was the first time I cried so much, and I was falling apart. I couldn't stop crying, I didn't know what to do.

I asked him if we could talk, and he couldn't get home till late so I waited, crying. When he asked me what happened, I explained, and then unexpected words came out from him. It was so surprising that I couldn't first understand what he was saying. But when he explained what he had been thinking and how he feels about me, and wanting to spend time with me, it just made me really really happy. My brain couldn't cope with the sadness and happiness at the same time, but the more I realize what is going on, the happier I got and I just couldn't go to sleep. I still cannot believe what happened, but I could feel that this time everything is going to be different. I know it will be so awesome. Past few years, I wished many times that we could be together. When he wanted me to come back to see him from Australia, I thought we will have a happy ending. Instead, I was hurt. When he asked me to be together at the couch at the farm, I was happy but at the same time I was really scared of losing him. Now, it's all different. I have grown a lot and we have been through so much that our friendship became really strong and all I can think of is us supporting each other, smiling together, making more memories together and sharing our future together. Of course we never know what happens in the future, but if we live each day happily, I know that we will live happily ever after. Stay strong, we can nail it this time :)

I have always loved you, and I will always love you.

just like old times

After a month of not talking with him, I couldn't stand it anymore.
I tried to call him a few times over the weekday nights, but I couldn't reach him. It was probably good that I couldn't because I was really upset with a stupid thing, that he didn't contact me first when he arrived at Japan. I should know him better than that, haha

Anyway, I asked him to call me and fell asleep, and he did call me. I had a really nice talk with him and I was really really happy to talk with him. I don't have to act like I am a drama queen, he is always thinking of me, of course. I tried to remember our conversation, I was a bit drunk but I was so happy. I know that if I want to talk with him, he is only a button away. He is always going to be there for me and will listen to me. He told me that he's never loved anyone as much as he loves me, and that's all I need to remember.

Don't let my emotion take a control of my anger, stay happy and focus on myself :)

I love you a lot xx

A new chapter

It's been a little more than two weeks since you left here.

It was so nice to spend the last weekend together, I will never forget the memories we made together. Thank you for spending the last few days with me, I know you care about me a lot and I know you did best to make me happy.

The last night before you left, it was the first time in a long time that I saw you crying. I couldn't say anything. I will never forget the look you gave me, with tears in your eyes. That made me realize that it wasn't only me who is sad, and how much you love me. Of course it is sad for you because you had to make a decision to leave me, and yet, I understand that this is what you need to do and what you want to do.

We have shared many chapters of our lives. We have said goodbye many times, but still we managed to find each other again and start a new chapter together. Before you left, I cried a lot as I could imagine how much I would miss you once you're gone, as I remember how sad I was when I first went to Australia. but since you left, I realized that you are not gone, you are going to be always there for me if I need you, and you will always love me. I cry a little but I am dealing with my emotion way better than I thought. I have grown stronger than I thought. In this new chapter, I will try to focus on myself. I will enjoy living in another country, try to get PR, save money, and be beautiful. I hope when next chapter starts, I will be able to share it with you.

I miss you a lot, I really wish you are here with me but like I have said many times before, I love you so much that I want you to be happy, and I know you are happy now.

Miss you so much xx

stay strong

I cried a little today.
I am not sure why but I have been a bit homesick again.
I feel lonely, and I wish my loved friends were around me.

I am sad that my grandma was gone, and I am sad that my love of my life will be gone soon.
He is still alive and if I really wish, I know I could see him but I know I will miss him crazy and I know I will not be able to do anything about it.

I missed talking with him, I missed hearing his voice, but he doesn't feel the same way.

I need to set goals for myself. I need to focus more on my life and stop missing him.
Life goes on with or without him, and all I can do is be happy with whatever I have.

Someday, I will meet someone who adores me and loves me. Someone who misses me and wishes to spend time with me. I will spend the rest of my life feeling loved, by someone who I love.

I will have to be a beautiful, strong person. I cannot complain something that I don't have without doing anything about it.

Stay happy, stay strong.

Hey you

hey you,

I will miss you a lot when you will be gone.

Seeing my friends break up made me realize, that is is rare to have a true love.
There is nothing you can do if you fall out of love.

I am so grateful, that I have met you.
Even though it is not going to last forever, I am so lucky to have met you, fallen in love with you, and spent time with you. You made me the happiest girl in the world, and with all the memories we've made, I feel stronger.
I am not sure if I ever meet someone who I could love as much as I love you, and someone who understands as much as you understand me. You have always been here for me whenever I was feeling down, and you have always been here for me when I want to share the happy news. Your smile made me smile, you laugh made me laugh, and you taught me how to be strong, passionate in my life and you taught me how to be patient, considerate.
I don't know what my life would have been if I hadn't met you. You made who I am, we grew older together. We helped each other go through tough times and we shared so much fun together. You are part of my life now, and it will never change even if we won't be able to be together.

I know I have to let you go, because I know you've struggled a lot. I know I have to let you do what you want to do, because I love you and I want you to be happy.

Someday, when I have more confidence, someday, when I am ready to make a commitment, I will ask you to marry me. I am not sure how long that might take, but I cannot live a life lying to myself. I will be an amazing person that you will not be able to deny my proposal. If you do, then I have to move on but till then, I can have a hope that someday, someday it might work out. We might end of happily ever after just like the fairytale. hehehe

I love you lots, I always have and I always will.

Happiness

Will I ever meet someone else who makes me as happy as he does?
Will I ever feel safe lying down next to someone else?
Will I ever fall in love again?
Will I ever be just a "best friend" of his?
Will I ever stop loving him?

He makes me happy. Even though there is no future together, he makes me happy. He makes me the happiest girl in the world, and I do feel lucky to have met him, spent time with him, being loved by him, and most of all, loved him so much.

I still have some time to make memories with him. When he walks away from my life, I will need to move on but till then, I just let myself the happiest girl in the world.

Stay strong, Manami.
I am so lucky that I could love someone this much, and I can feel that he loves me as much.
It will be harder on him as he has to make the decision and walk away, so be strong.

one year

one year ago, I moved out and came here.

I didn't have lots of money, I didn't have any confidence.

I hated it here, I hated my life, and I hated myself.


The only reason I was here was because I couldn't let him go,

I wanted to be with him no matter what.


It had been a struggling year, but now here I am, still has not lots of money, but I do have some confidence.

I love it here, I love my life, and I love myself.


I don't want to let him go, but I love him enough to let him go now.

I want to be with him in the way I can support him, make him happy, make him smile.


I love you so much, it makes my heart warm, and I am not sure if I can ever love anyone else the way I love you, but I am happy that we are happy now. I live in now.

xoxoxo

My goals

Last weekend, when he got drunk, he kept asking me what I am going to do when he leaves.

I will miss him a lot, but I will be able to accept the fact that that's what he wants to do and be happy for him. I love him enough to let him go. I love him enough to wish his happiness even though I am not in the picture.

I skipped to go to see him this weekend and I miss him a lot. It had been really nice hanging out with him, we are both happy, no more arguments but laughs and comfortableness.

I have to start making a list of things I want to do in my life. I am an independent woman now, I know I can still stand on my own two feet after he leaves here. When I realized that I am not ready for anything new with anyone and wondered if I ever will, it made me a little sad but I don't need to rush. At the moment, I have him here and we make each other happy so that's all I need to know. I need to focus on being happy and beautiful. Stay healthy and confident. A strong person who has a big heart.

I want to save money and travel around. See the world, meet people, find who I am.

If I put my mind on it, I can do anything :)

Believe in myself.

here I am

I know why we are so special,

we love each other a lot

we respect each other a lot

we care about each other a lot

and most important of all

we are best friends


Nothing will change that and that's all I need to know.

Thinking about him, wanting to see him, makes me want to cry because I love him so much.

He is the one for me and that's why no one else has mattered.

He is the first one and the only one.


I am lucky to have met him so that I know what it's like to love someone.



Since he came back from Japan and Thailand, everything has changed.
It seems like the first time in a long time that we share what we used to have in Japan.

We are happy together, and I can feel that he loves me a lot.
His tight hugs at night and kind kisses on my neck makes me fell that he does care about me a lot.

For now, that's all I need.

I am walking my own path now, I am independent and I am living on my own.
I learned how to spend time by myself and I quite enjoy it too.

Here I am, a bit stronger than before, a bit patient than before, a bit kinder and a bit more confident.

I will live every moment of my life, at the moment, not the future.

Thank you for being here for me, I love you so much, and I know you do too.

relax

I know I am Japanese when I feel like 31st of March is the end of the year, and 1st of April is a new start.

It's funny, that I always wanted to go out and drink, have friends here in Auckland but after a week of going out and hanging out with people, I feel really tired. I just like to be alone and enjoy the quietness.

I have to learn how to not get stressed out so easily. Everything is going to be alright. Nothing is to get stressed out about.

I don't have to force myself to do anything I don't like. I should be able to live how I want to.

Take a deep breath. Close my eyes for a few seconds. Think positive.




I miss you my friend, but it's all going to be alright because I know you love me a lot.