content

It's been more than a week now since he told me how much he misses me and wants me to come back to be with him for a little bit. These past two years, I had ups and downs, I was happy that I could spend lots of time with him, sleeping together holding hands and everything else that made me happy, but sometimes I was really sad thinking, why I couldn't be his girlfriend or why it doesn't seem like it would work with us. I decided to leave Japan because I knew he wouldn't care to stay with me if he finds something better in his life and I thought that would tear me apart. I was not strong enough to stay and pursue what I wanted, so I decided to run away from everything. I got really down here, I missed him so much and I was crying a lot by myself in the bed. I decided that I would try to be beautiful, and someday I could make him fall in love with me again and we may share the happy times again. So it was really relief for me and made me soooooooo happy to know that he does care about me, he does miss me, he does love me. I cannot wait to see him, I love you so much and nothing matters anymore. I really miss him and I get lonely sometimes but I am just really really happy to know that I am not alone and I am really really really excited about it.
Love you so much,
and Thanks god that this is happened to me.

disaster

cannot believe everything he had to say...
what is wrong with me?

I thought everything was falling apart,

but

It is weird that I got a message from him tonight.
He never messages me this late,
but tonight he did
and I thank god for that he did.

After seeing his face, どうでもよくなった。
I love him so much,
I will always love him,
and I don't want to hurt him
All I want is for him to be happy.

He went through so much when he was young.

I cannot remember what happened,
So I decided that I will just forget about it.

I love him so much.
I always want to be his best friend.

It's not a lie,
I really cannot remember.

I love you my best friend,
I love you so much.

can't stop crying

I have to move on.
It's too hard...

Looking at the beautiful beach, I couldn't help but crying... I felt really lonely.
I need to be stronger, I need to be okay being alone.

I stepped out from the marriage, I walked away. I should learn to be alone. Otherwise I should have stayed in the marriage. I just cannot depend on someone, I have to be able to walk and stand by myself. I may be alone for the rest of my life, so I have to accept the fact and face it.

I will meet someone else. He will love me. He will treat me like gold and treasure me.
It's just the person would not be the guy I want him to be. I should stop thinking one day it may happen. I should move on.

He said he doesn't understand why the girls want to be a girlfriend, and he said it should happen naturally. He told me over and over that I cannot be his girlfriend and I should know better. He will be my best friend for the rest of my life and that is it. Otherwise he would have made me his girlfriend, considering how much we spent the time together. He said he shouldn't be talking with me so much, so I shouldn't. I am here in Australia, I have to be fine without him.

to accept

In life, there is sometime that you have to accept the facts.
There is nothing you can do about it.
You have to accept it as it is and move on.
It's hard, but that is what life is all about.

I am lucky that both of my parents are still alive,
my sister is happy.

Being in love with someone is not as bad comparing someone who is important to you dies.

Being in love with someone is actually, a really nice thing.

There are some people who have never found someone like that in their life.

I am lucky to have met the one, whether I will be the one for you or not.

I got so much love from him, and I should be happy with that.

I am lucky to be able to cry this much for someone who I love.


Simon, I love you. I wish I could tell you that. Well I have told you many times but still, I wish I could tell you everyday how much I love you. I love you so much.

Thank you.
I love you.

so what has changed?

I am crying again, I have been so good since I came to Australia, but no it came back all over again. I was so happy for the first week, new places, new people, everything was exciting and it was really nice to be finally over with all the lies and a fake life I had.
But... why there is always "but"? I am missing you way too much than I thought I would, or I though I was. I am confused again, and I just wish you were here with me. I miss hanging out with you, I miss waking up next to you, I miss having breakfast and nice tea with you before the work, I miss coming home and watching you cook, I miss laying down with you and cuddling while we watch movies or rugby games. I miss eating dinner with you, I miss going to sleep with you, I miss drinking out with you, I miss eating out with you, I miss catching up during the work, I miss going out for lunch at school, I miss spending sunday lazy morning with you, I miss getting messages from you saying you are coming back home soon, I miss your happy face when you open the door, I miss hugging and kissing before we leave the house, I miss taking a shower with you, I miss going to karaoke with you, I miss pillow talks and keep talking to you even though you were sleeping, I miss your jokes, I miss your smile, I miss everything about you,

I just miss you so much.

I don't know what to do,

there is nothing I can do.

I have to believe in myself, that I made the right decision.
I got to be stronger.

Everything's gonna be alright.


When I moved out from the house last February, I didn't think I would be living with him. You never know how the life turns out, we may end up marrying and having kids like you said we might, I should be happy that I am really special to him and he would consider marrying me if we were older. He loves me a lot, probably more than I think he does.

I never want to lose him, he saved me. He is my hero, my best friend. The wonderful thing is, that I will never lose him as a friend. He will always in my life, in one way or another, but I know he cares about me a lot and he will always love me a lot.

It may take some time to heal from the divorce and separation, but I will be okay. I want to be a happy manami. I love her and so will everyone.

がんばろう、まなみ。

a new path

so many things have changed in last two years,
I am tired now, I am not sure if I am physically tired, or mentally.

I just want everything to be over,
I thought I ended it when I moved out in February last year, but no, nothing has ended.
I am still not healed from the divorce and I haven't been able to gain the strength I had before, or had I ever had strength?

I am in love with you. I wish things were different, the timing was right and we could have had something together. I am just really tired and I don't know what to do about it.

My will

It's almost the end of 2010.
What have I done in this year? Anything that I can be proud of?
What kind of life am I living? Anything that I can tell my children?

Maybe this is the last chance my Kamisama gave me. Next year, 2011, maybe I can be a better person.
Maybe I don't have to cry every night. Maybe I can smile more at home.

I was just hoping to have one last time, and am still waiting for the mail. Am I stupid?

All I wish for next year is to figure out what I want in my life. What I want to do, where I want to be, who I want to be with. I want to be stronger, I want to be tougher. I want to be happier and I want to be the person I can be proud of. The person everyone respects. The person who wouldn't hurt anyone, nor myself.
I want to be the person who is smart and thinks before I do anything. I cannot let my emotion control myself. If I keep doing this, I will not be able to survive. I have to pull myself together, and I cannot let myself fall apart.
I want to be the person who I used to be, nice and happy and never a layer.

Something is wrong

with me.
I don't know what, but maybe something is wrong with me.
Why can't I just be happy? Why do I have to cry on Thursday afternoon, listening to Christmas songs?
Am I crazy?

All I want now, is to lay down next to you, close my eyes, and listen to your music.
I am too tired and scared to face the reality. It's much easier to call you when I am drunk, and ask you if I can come over. Our eyes meet, our heads get closer, and just kiss for a long time. That's what I want.

Thank you

I feel better now, happier now,

Still, of course, I am really confused. Things are not really working out, and my marriage might fall apart.
However,
I feel better today.

He has become really a good friend. He was really supportive last night. I felt safe when he was holding me in his arms. I felt like I could do anything, if I trust myself.
Instead of criticizing me, he always gives me confidence. He always makes me feel better, and I feel like I can be a better person. Independent. Confident.

Thank you so much,
maybe in the future, or even in a different world, we could be together. Maybe we may only stay friends, but I feel like you will always be on my side, no matter what may happen.

Thanks a lot,
love you.

So confused....

I emailed him, asking what he is doing. I wanted to stop by on the way home.
I hang out with him a few days ago, but it seems like I see him less and less these days, maybe because he's been really busy.

He said he's been sick and resting all afternoon today, so I offered to get him something and drop by.
He didn't want to me to get a cold from him, and told me that I should stay away from him. He sounded really sick and I ... I just realized how much I missed him. I just wished I could be his girlfriend, and had a right to visit him even if he's sick. Even for a minute, I wanted to see him, give him a big hug and kiss, and wish him to get better soon.

I could stop living like this, none of us, me and my husband is happy, and these days I feel like we just share a room, time, but not feelings. After three and half months of marriage, I don't think we are supposed to be like this. I feel like I am falling apart as my marriage is. If I break up with him, let the marriage fail, then I don't have courage to be with someone else again. Even though I really like that guy, I don't think it would be a good idea to be his girlfriend. Maybe the relationship is working between he and I because we are not actually dating, but just very very attracted to each other. It feels right when he kisses me, when we make love.
I don't know what to do. I am 24 and I am only married for not even four month and it's falling apart, I have a guy whom I really like, in fact I am in love with him. I am so confused, so confused and I know I am confusing him too.
He told me before that he doesn't want to get hurt, and he tried to look for a girlfriend but it didn't work out and we are still spending nights together sometimes. I remember asking him one night, when I was really drunk, if I am going to hurt him and he said maybe I will. Why did I let myself into this situation, where nobody can be happy after all.

When I laying down besides him, in his arm, I really feel comfortable and content and... happy. I just wish that time would last forever.

I miss you, my buddy- I love you.