Everyone says he is such a lucky guy to have me as his wife.
To everyone else's eyes, I seem really lucky to have him as my husband too, and I think I should be.
We dated for five years, got married, and now living in a nice apartment. Plus, my friends are always there for me whenever I need them, my family is always supportive with whatever I do. I found the job I love, and enjoy (almost) every moment of it. I even have nice coworkers who help me a lot. I feel like I have everything one wishes to have.
But why aren't I so happy?
Maybe I am scared of growing up, getting older, taking a lot of responsibilities and being expected to be a perfect person. I know I am still immature, and am too afraid to take a next step. To grow older, to be a grown person, do we have to be ready for that? or is it something you naturally grow into? I sometimes feel like I jumped into something I was not ready. No, I know I wasn't ready, but I was too afraid to let it go either. In your life, there are so many times when you have to make big decisions, and I had always been right about the decisions I had made, or at least that's what I think, after looking back of my past. Maybe, maybe, in a few years later I look back and I can tell myself that I was wise and made the right choice. I want to think I did, and I want to think I can stick to it and will be happy, happier, in the future. Oh how come it is difficult now to imagine myself laughing next to him, surrounded by our kids and spending Sundays together, all or us, at the backyard of a nice house. When I was 22, I could easily imagine that. I was even looking forward to it. I was ready for the commitment, the marriage, the family, the responsibility. Now two years later, I am 24, almost 25 years old and I don't know what happened to me, but the things I thought I was ready two years ago, I am not ready now. But then, the problem is that I don't even know what I want, what I want in my life, so I could not make a decision not to get married, not to commit my life to a guy who has loved me for past five years and is saying that he will love me for rest of his life. How many times in your life, would a man tell you that? Especially to someone like me, who is crazy and selfish.
What is a marriage? Does it take a lot of work? compromise? lots of fighting and arguing?
Is the difference between the couples who get divorced and who stay together for their whole life is working hard to keep the relationship going and not giving up on each others? Or is there really a true love and they actually stay together till the death parts them because they are in love?
Am I feeling like this because I have met someone else? Am I in love with that guy? and not with my husband? Why am I so confused? Why do I cry sometimes without knowing the reasons just because I listen to the songs that I have heard when I was at his place? How many times have I or he tried to stay just friends and failed? If someone else is in my situation, would they chose to leave the husbands of wives for the guy or the girl who you only know for less than a year?
So confused, but I am afraid of myself, how I can pretend and lie, which I thought that's something I can never do to anyone.
