falling down to the bottom

When I have a lack of sleep or am really exausted, my mind always try to pull myself to a worse direction. I don't want to talk to any people except very very close friends and even if I meet those close ones, I can't help bothering them. I can't help annoying them as if I 'm trying to intentionally make them angry. And if they get angry, I blame them for being angry and try to finish the relationship. Why do I always head for destruction? Is it a kind of self-defence?

I hope in the future I will not be defeated by brain chemicals that control emotion.

I'll try to get enough sleep..

-.-

(＠Д＠；

3 hour sleep.. I feel so sleepy. But I think I'm better than I used to be when I had a lack of sleep. I feel like I can survive till tonight without sleeping. I know what I said to people or what I will say is very strange and I will talk to myself a lot today, though. (￣ー￣；

I have finished four fifth of midterms! I have only one more to go! finally!! o(^▽^)o

I'll try my best for it!

yesterday's salsa..

The salsa teacher taught us four new steps last night.. The pace of the class is much faster now. I'm so confused about each step.

(￣Д￣；； I'm lucky I am a woman in salsa. I just need to follow my partner. :P :P hehe

Nevertheless, salsa is FUN!! (≡^∇^≡)

study---

I'm studying all day long..

BUT I'm going to go to salsa class today for sure!! It's been two weeks since I attended last time..

（Ｔ＿Ｔ）

dreams

-.- How come my dream is very close to realities? My worries are always reflected in my dream and the dream often ends up having a result I don't want most. Even though it is just a dream, I get really depressed as if it happend in the real life. It's really confusing.

However, the opposite things happen too. When I see happy dreams, I become really happy. If a person is very nice to me in my dream, I can't help being nice to that person when I actually meet them.

osoru beshi, yume! I feel like I'm brainwashed by myself. aho jan.(TωT)

ganbaro tto.

found out

I found myself worried about something this morning. I couldn't help thinking too much even though I thought I pondered enough last night. Many worries came up in my mind and I couldn't find why right away.

I was thinking what I was told last night. I found myself dissapointed and shocked by words I was told. I tried to organize why I was that worried. Then some things that influenced my feeling occured to me and made me feel down more. I became stressed but I didn't give up till I found the solution. When I was on the way to my place after class, suddenly I found why. I am expecting too much. I'm expecting a 100%.

Nobody is perfect. When I think about myself, I always think "how dare I expect people to be 100% even though I am not close to perfect at all."

I don't think I am stressed now. In order not to fall apart after the stress gets accumulated too much, I think I always need to keep track of my mental state.

kangae goto

I had about two and half hours since i got back to my dorm till now, but I couldn't study at all. My mental state has been a little strange during the time period; I couldn't move away from my computer at all. I think every time I become like this, I should think why, so I was thinking..

I think I'm now insecure by thinking I might lose what I really don't want to lose. It's an ambiguous, unreasonable worry, I know, but I sometimes can't help thinking like this. That's why I'm scared of gaining too important and precious things.

But also, I think that kind of thinking is coming from my passive attitude. If I don't want to lose it, I should be creative and try my best in order not to lose it. I keep forgetting this; after I try my best to achieve something, then whatever will be will be!

hu-, my feeling became a little lighter now.

midterm..

I have a midterm tomorrow!! hayaku nenaku cha.

(^^)/

ganbaro tto!

Pondering

Nowadays I'm not doing well in my school. I couldn't get grades I wanted last quarter, but anyway I passed. However this quarter is worse. I don't know if I can pass in one class and I am getting a bad grade in another class too.

My life is being so hard. I'm afraid that I might fall apart on somebody. I really don't want to do that. Until now, when I had hard times and was stressed out, I couldn't help falling apart on somebody and make them share my feeling, then I could return to normal. I hate myself being depending on other people too much. I want to be able to balance myself without relying on other people.

I think I am a perfectionist about many things, especially school and relationship with people. I always choose to gain nothing if I can't get a 100%. Actually, I think nowadays I don't ask for 100% but maybe still 90%. If I am getting less than 90%, I choose to throw it away.

I think the reason why I am having a hard time is this character of mine. I can't go any further with it. I should not give up things only because I can't complete it. I should continue them and gain something even though it is partial.

My body cycle has been messed up recently. I think I need to think of myself more deeply and manage to pull myself together. saikin ha ironna koto ga kowaku natte kangaeru koto sura wasurete itayouna kiga suru. nanimo kangae nakute irareru houni shizen ni nagasarete itte, kekkyoku mondai ga yamadumi ni natte panku shita. I want to escape from this vicious circle!