falling down to the bottom

When I have a lack of sleep or am really exausted, my mind always try to pull myself to a worse direction. I don't want to talk to any people except very very close friends and even if I meet those close ones, I can't help bothering them. I can't help annoying them as if I 'm trying to intentionally make them angry. And if they get angry, I blame them for being angry and try to finish the relationship. Why do I always head for destruction? Is it a kind of self-defence?

I hope in the future I will not be defeated by brain chemicals that control emotion.

I'll try to get enough sleep..

-.-