Pondering

Nowadays I'm not doing well in my school. I couldn't get grades I wanted last quarter, but anyway I passed. However this quarter is worse. I don't know if I can pass in one class and I am getting a bad grade in another class too.

My life is being so hard. I'm afraid that I might fall apart on somebody. I really don't want to do that. Until now, when I had hard times and was stressed out, I couldn't help falling apart on somebody and make them share my feeling, then I could return to normal. I hate myself being depending on other people too much. I want to be able to balance myself without relying on other people.

I think I am a perfectionist about many things, especially school and relationship with people. I always choose to gain nothing if I can't get a 100%. Actually, I think nowadays I don't ask for 100% but maybe still 90%. If I am getting less than 90%, I choose to throw it away.

I think the reason why I am having a hard time is this character of mine. I can't go any further with it. I should not give up things only because I can't complete it. I should continue them and gain something even though it is partial.

My body cycle has been messed up recently. I think I need to think of myself more deeply and manage to pull myself together. saikin ha ironna koto ga kowaku natte kangaeru koto sura wasurete itayouna kiga suru. nanimo kangae nakute irareru houni shizen ni nagasarete itte, kekkyoku mondai ga yamadumi ni natte panku shita. I want to escape from this vicious circle!