Replay ☆ 1437

оо, как я давно не писала!

возможно, я обленилась. Во всяком случае, так я и считаю. Мне даже думать не хочется, и читаю я - скольжу взглядом по буквам.

Стыдно, и я не понимаю что делать.

I understand not so much, as usually w

we had time to take a photo and then we came back to university. sister to teach and me either

some days later we, with parents went to cafe and bought something for father. because recently he had celebrity: his birthday

we ordered everything different 

and we dont... like me and sister didnt go with parents entire our life, so i feel quilty for it. 

and with fight and arguement we went with them

i dont remember that happened in that day except, we went to garden with aunt and sister to take photos.

wonderful day in green

and air was so bright and clear

last two month i feel like im getting older, my mind is getting cold and indifferent, and maybe ignorant

but my behaviour and thoughts are staying as careless and light as i was a child

when we got a short break, we went to new cafe to try cakes.

i felt in love with it, but i didnt eat half, i couldnt finish and sister forced me to eat it all

how long time i spent for it

in reality the sky away was so dark and it seemed it will be strong rain. 

and syringa is nearby and...

well i liked it

couple days later sister invited me to go for Museum night with her student

and we went!

мы стреляли из лука в мамонтов и доисорических животных, из арбалетов

кидали подковы на копыта Юлия,

ловили рыбок в тихом омуте

and we spent all evening in museum to find out the history of our region

later i ran away to aunt, because she did need a help to buy wallpapers

when i left my home in the morning i met this lovely cat

and last time i do love them for their laziness, i guess

that they enjoy of life in slow time

they arent in hurry

i just liked this small book with watercolours and thought that i would like to collect many books about art

sigh

we visited second lecture of great lecture about The Middle Ages

he described history of art, sculptures, buildings

and..even if his outfit was so simple and he wore sandals even, his speech was excellent.

and, i think, all of us got inspiration

i realize that i am falling down...even sink in troubles? stress? but i dont feel it, i feel i know nothing at all, i am in doubt.

I'm sure. i am confused so much, thats why i feel indifference, thats why i doubt in everything, in relationship, in my mind, in my thoughts, about people who around me.

if i always wrote here that it is difficult to talk with people, find new friends, now it seems like i cant talk with people at all! 

it scaries me

when sister gave her thesis to print it we had time to walk around, we saw so many wonderful peonies

and cat

 

he walked around me but i couldnt touch him w

and even if i feel how it gets difficult to connect with people i try overcome it

so one my former student advised me to hang out

and we went to coffee where she told me about her life in Sri Lanka, about her fruits, even her boyfriend..

i..she started talk with me so close so suddenly and

and..i dont know how support it...

i appreciate it so much, but i feel some fear 

i even went to cinema with russian girl

i proud of it and told it to her.

maybe it was my mistake..

my talk with her was so awkward, i was so shy with her but i tried to do all bext

and..after week i dont know how talk with her...

i opened National Geography and saw article about ancestors of birds

and what are dinosaurs living now 

it's kinda romantic

 

she advised me write any my thought here

and it is difficult to

show my mind in words

just start to write.

at least, i think that i must run from past. and if people dont care of you, or dont mind. just leave them.

sure, i saw many times such words, but i got experience

and got pain

-kahara

Replay ☆ 1436

aunt bought strawberry first time for this year

first big and sweet strawberry!

well, i cond visit philosophy's library long time

but when i come there! i find so many books

like, i am sure there are these books just i didnt see them

but they look as i have never seen them!

this month was a good exam for me 

i didnt have classes, but work and classes that i lead are kind of difficult

sometimes i really dont know how i can prepare to next class

in this month i saw my first students, Rohit, Varelia and Leonardo

i thought i can cry when i see them

haha

it was such feeling when i felt my age for a moment

Moreover another former students wrote me and i tried to help her with her problems

and she told me about her trip to Korenaya pustin and about her picnics, about her close friend

i was so happy that she remember me

because, because i can not write first

stupid excuse, but i think they no need to tie their world with mine

i got flowers from student who i met once

you know, he said me that he remembers me but i dont

and when he came to me he gave me these roses!

I was so so surprised and fel so uncomfortable with me

i dont remember this student at all, sigh

so, we went to cafe where i did drink this wonderful lavender coffee and donut

in some days i came to my lovely library again

and in musical department i saw pictures that were drawn special for Lermontov novels

this is book that i do want to have

after this book i even wanted to read him again

so, in summer i will!

i hope, at least.

moreover when i came to library, one librarian said that this yellow rose has a blossom only one day

so it was really wonderful meeting with it!

last week i went to library again

it seems i went to there many times 

but for one month i visited them about 4 times only

so, i need to edit all my dissertation and add one paragraph

i got a scedule of my graduate exams, 

i am worrying of my article where i dont want perform

i took, finally, a collective books of article with mine and took it to my teacher.

we got it in one year after conference!

so i am happy that i resolved this problem

but i got in a small confusem because i dont visit this part of our city and i thought i can confuse a bus

so i thought i did it

and a man asked me did he sit in right bus?

What can i answer to him?

I said ' I hope' only

really, i hope so many times that doesnt real, to be fair.

in april we went to a park with sister and aunt and took some photos

you can see old woman who didnt want i take photo, sigh

just green is so young and colour of green is so bright that i couldnt stop look at nature

this year gives me new feelin

i appreciate things a bit more than before

recently we finally went with parents to cafe

it was 8th of the May, if i am correct

they didnt go to cafe last ten years 

so we forced them to go!

They looked so cute there

i felt like it is something unusual for them

so, we will go again with them!

this syringa makes me feel a real spring!

so i have a small tradition with it

w

my classes..

with foreign students

you know, i am a bit proud of myself that i speak better than before. I have many mistakes and sometimes i am in doubt

but i love teach them

they are being naughty but somethins i see their bright eyes and hear their questions

just i felt like i am burning out and i wanted to take a breaktime as hell

and yesterday was so difficult day for me

that i have got a headache

and feel it till now

i finished read Neverwhere by Geiman, that one friend gave me

i bought two new books, Donna Tartt ' Secret friend' and Tysson "Astrophysics"

moreover i read Avtonomova books about "Translation and Consciousness", where i finished a paragraph about Foucault

- kahara

Replay ☆ 1435

 iordered new book by Victoria Schwab 'A gathering of shadows'

second part

and, i saw some comment where said that second part is even better than first

just for me it is otherwise 

but i still like

it makes me feel rest.

not serious book and fantasy, that i really dont read last years

after work i went to uni, however it was one month ago, in March but

the weather was astinighing and so much snow in spring!

it is kind of surprise

some days latewr i and my aunt went to local old church 

the art, the archetecture are amazing and it fills my heart up more

well, because of work and classes and teaching i have no time to write here something

i am missing of past time

and i would like to catch that time when i played in pigg with my friends

or just read books more as before!

but i cant

and it is so sad 

so on 4th of April i went to give newspaper to all departments of my alma mater and

it was just fun, because sky was blue and sun was bright

just last days i realized that our blue sky is a dome, and i feel limited and uncomfortoble with this mind

maybe it is new level of my love to the universe? w

i lost some kg and now i am 54

that great, if balance doesnt lie to me 

HAHAHA

i feel some sorrow that my thoughts can make someone hurt even if i know it is hurt, i still do it

well, it is equal in discussion but it is discussion only?

My thoughts and attitude is same to that person

and it cant change!

- kahara

Replay ☆ 1434

it's been a while

so, u adore arabic sweets w

rahat-lokum is the most my favorite

and this is new taste, with almond and kiwi

it was so yummy ~

well, i dont have good memory last time

i am kind of busy and even i have got notebook where i write all problems i need resolve for day and in futu days

just it was pretty busy day, too and all my lunch was this orange

it was enough though

however my collegue often tells why i stopped drink or eat something 

i told nonsense, that i am on diet

why i said it

and no intentionnaly!

yah, i dont like eat out of my home

if i dont go to cafe only

in the evening after work i saw, we saw with sister this wonderful moon

and my phone cant share that amazing athmosphere that i have got in that moment

sigh

while i had free time i did visit my philosophy library and i found this sonderful book

o, it is so old and about Ancient Egypt that I love with all my soul

it reminds me about my childhood and myths i re read before

ahh, these gods are more romantical for me

and light for amazing to save one page of this book

 Iris Murdoch

The Child of word

it is pretty specific book for me, i dont know how describe it even 

it is sharp and kind of dry language

and characters described in common things

but it touched me somehow

of course i did measure some characters to me and to people who around me

it is kind of ethics also

but i think that it needs in my age, and not earlier

moreover i do want this coustume

mm

buy me that

sigh

i do wish to buy it

sigh

and last sunday we went to library for blind people and made some lecture about communication between blind and non-blind people

we are with sister explained that because of out experience

well, you know what kind of experience i had

i told it before

. . .

what should i buy?

book or clothes?

clothes or book?

aaaa

i got some trouble with

not trouble

i feel like time is going on

and all my relations are chanching

it is like i touch the fire with my fingertips

if it is not so difficult to accept in physycally

it is hard to me to accept it mentally

i explain it shortly but im afraid explain it more

i read articles in aeon, monocler and some english other web-cities

and

nah

how pity i feel then

-kahara

Replay ☆ 1433

well it was in january

when i had free time and even could not read 

on my and sister birthday we went to the park and took some photos under snowfall

it's great i didnt catch a flu

but i wanted to try if most of girls do it too

let me be part of gray mass

at least i can feel myself as a part of people

riight or no?

we didnt celebrate our birthday at home but went to grannies and to aunt

and ate cakes three days 

i have never got such kind of day before

our family always did it in our home and

and, well this year started uniquely 

si i am even not surprised

when i had free time on work

well i am surfering some articles about medicine or some researching about medicine or philosophy

new thread that connects me with the world 

later i went to library to prepare to lecture class and made some thesis for my paper work

i didnt find something a lot

but i started read about fantastic stuff in the Middle Age

in that day happened something sad to me

like i felt like i am a big caricature to people

like, you know, when people arent unique and we are part of each other

just in that moment i felt like how i am pity and

now i cant think something to stop think of that

despite of that i focused on my dissertation and

you know, i've lost my mood again

naaaah

on that day i even bought to the shop to buy gloves that i no need because before i bought one already

and after library was so strong snow and

we went to cafe with out former classmate, Tanya to celebrate our passed birthday

in that day she said that we lost weight haha

that i am so thin as never 

so she was surprised how can it be? how could i change so much

who knows though

-kahara