☆「Diary of nothing, o.k.」 ☆ -3ページ目

 

this week made me feel free more

 

i do not know why it happened but i feel like i can speak freely

 

however my heart ache is keeping hurt 

 

on friday we went to cafe with our friend Tanya

 

we ate a lot of meat

 

 

i have tried serbian mulled wine

 

 

it was damn hot

 

and pity my tongue when i tried it so quickly!

 

 

even if this cake looks yummy

 

it was not.

 

to sweet

 

i have noticed that i dont really want to eat sweets, sugar, and in generally sweet

 

 

sister did order the latte and another type of meat

 

we met our birthday yesterday, 5 days later

 

but we had a long talk, for 5 hours

 

i felt free more

 

and heart did cry out 

 

 

somehow i like this furniture and we had a special talk about room interior 

 

and we got a thought that it is difficult to release in our small town

 

 

when we went to the bookstore to pick a book up about Georgia's kitchen for aunt

 

because she loves Georgia, she cooks a lot of dishes of and she had a classmate from, and she went to Georgia 

 

so, so

 

and while my sister did pick a book i looked for books with a sale 

 

w

 

i found some, but not so far interesting

 

but to my surprise, i noticed a new book by Alan Bradley!

 

we have a whole line and i asked sister to buy it

 

yay

 

today we went to the shop to buy shoes but we bought two shirts

 

 

 

 

黒猫しっぽ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫あたま

 

a few minutes before i finished to watch 6 ep of Dororo

 

and last some minutes before ending my heart got hurt

 

i dont consider this ache with biology

 

i got a needle pain after the realized idea of the episode..

 

i do not want to think about it so damn much!

 

i do not want to tie with it so damn much

 

i think, if i will, just it gets worse to me

 

i feel like it sounds awkward but i really do love him

 

and on Friday my coworker asked me, what is my definition of 'love'

 

sigh

 

what is the definition of 'family'

 

. . .

 

i am reading Konstantin Vaginov 's book

 

and i excuse his lovely words only

 

i got why i loved him with a first eyesight

 

i dont tell what is the reason

 

i do miss of him

 

-kahara

 

i should confess that i dont remember things that happen with me daily

 

breakfast or talk, or if someone came to meet with me at the workplace.

 

i don't remember that, especially last time. i am getting careless

 

however, i remember things that affected me so much

 

well, it is getting sad, that my January started sort of sad

 

i told about it already but, it is really so!

 

2018 started really nice, we went to our second aunt she baked a cake! we don't visit her so often

 

that's it!

 

but this year

 

i am surviving somehow

 

 

yesterday i did clean ofice up and found this book

 

about Kafka!

 

it is a big surprise to see it because it was bought in the Czech Republic even

 

later my fellow came and she did bring pants that she did sew for me and sister

 

and she gave small gifts for me and sister

 

the size is small

 

but i do love it!

 

it is earring! for me and sister got the ring

 

i was surprised 

 

 

Thank you, Ira

 

 

look at these earrings

 

ah, i remember that last Friday i went to the university library to take a book by Isaac Babel and gave back book Lavr by Evgeniy Vodolazkin

 

and they didnt find Babel but. because it was 8th of February i watched a good documentary film about military Kursk during the Second world war

 

real films by Kursk citizens, Russian people, corpses, and army...

 

i got a shiver

 

instead of Babel book,i took Konstantin Vaginov. i did read his tragedy 'goat song' and now i wanted to read something more 

 

his ironically and so thin sense about revolution period of russia 

 

黒猫しっぽ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫あたま

 

Happy 25th birthday to me

 

ハリネズミ

 

on Saturday the guard asked me about my age, and the max age hi gave me was 18.

 

not wonder

 

at all

 

- kahara

if i am not wrong, 2018 started unhappily either.

 

and 2019 is same

 

before i felt like sort of small stone comes through my heart. this feeling was rarely, but not i feel it often

 

this week was sort of sad also. 

 

i do not know that affects to me more even. is it relationship with people? my workplace? people around me? or people who i love? 

 

but looking at all things that happened for last month, it cant, well... 

 

in the morning, when i ride on the bus to the workplace, one old man sat nearby me. firstly he asked time, and then he started to tell me his life.

 

i am sad every morning and he added sadness to my morning, sigh

 

in the end, he even cried and, and i never felt such kind of pity to a person who tells me about his life.

 

he told about his life, grandsons, son, he even gave me advice : do not trust people, even to your husband. you should have secrets.

 

just even the weather is so sad around. so gray, so deplorable

 

on Saturday we went to our grannies and i felt tears in my eyes

 

when we did ride on tram people inside and who walked outside looked so common, like abstract shadows on the canvas. they were gray like a sky

 

my grannies are so small and

 

you know, it was so touching when grandfather offered to drink rowanberry juice with own alc

 

i can not describe how heart squeezed because of thought that time passed quickly and we are old and did so little bit.

 

how things around got older, dusty

 

and neighbors and their children who we played every summer, they changed so much.

 

and i feel like i force myself to not grow up and live in the past.

 

that's why i don't want to grow up. it scares, i don't want to see the world in gray colour, i am crying to see how world changes

 

i do not want to leave my past and i suffer because my eyes change my mind in this side

 

damn heavy to my heart

 

maybe thats why i feel that stone even more than before? 

 

i regret that i said him these words, i regret i said it so early...

 

-kahara

“To fear love is to fear life, and those whose fear life are already three parts dead...” 

 

“Only one who loves can remember so well.” 

 

“I kept thinking how marvelous it would be if I could somehow tear my heart, which felt so heavy, out of my chest.” 

 

― Anton Chekhov

 

Maybe later i will explain why i chose these quotes.

 

and I would like to write something more that happened in this week.

 

but let me pass this day and then...

 

- kahara

 

 

i dont know why i stopped to write here

 

in autumn i wanted to refresh a page here every weekend, but you know what happened next

 

it was a difficult period for the next reasons: my graduation and got a master's degree, got a job and some things in a relationship

 

i took that picture with wonderful old windows when we bought tapestry for aunt's sofa

 

i remember the walk and that we took some more photos of us

 

and how i asked aunt to take some good photos that i got in the end 

 

 

last year we visited every (except one, if i remember right) lecture about Rainessaince 

 

our Art museum invited lectures from Hermitage Museum of Petersburg, so it was a really great experience to visit the lecture and feel an air of history from researchers 

 

and of course, we saw outstanding pictures of Holland artists

 

 

 

 

i think i put some pictures here, just to show their excellent skills 

 

i have no words to describe it, i was and am just admire of them and to see their pictures so close!

 

ah, i loved it.

 

now there are other works that didn't show to visitors before and it is from the collection of our local museum so i would like to visit it

 

in September we went with sister to Kaliningrad through two countries. and the night on the train was terrible. we didnt sleep well because every two hours or 40 mins we got trouble with board administration, with policemen and dogs 

 

we didnt get big problems. we didnt get them at all

 

 

every day during the week we walked from the early morning till evening. 

 

almost every museum, houses, cafe we wanted to visit - we visited

 

we saw wonderful kirkas that later became churches

 

we ate wonderful bread in local cafes (Kenigcbaker)

 

we visited the Museum of History and Museum of Art

 

 

these above photos are from one museum.

 

but, we got so many photos and now they are refresh in my mind: the arch of the 18th century and the same hospital where people live now, Kant's grave, fountains etc

 

 

here is behind of me is a typical area of living houses, where we lived. it is typical German architecture of the beginning of 20th century or earlier. 

 

like from Kafka's novel, you know

 

 

and this one is done in Kursk already

 

but i remember that this bag i bought in an awesome bookstore

 

somehow but i regret a bit that i didnt buy Emile Zola biography there. i did read it here, where i took from the local library, but if i would buy it, it was my own book

 

sigh

 

tnow i can see how many things happened, that i got book Eleonor & Park, that i didnt like though and some books i bought in Kaliningrad and took from the library and just ordered in a bookstore

 

and you know, one girl did sew skirts for me and sister

 

 

this one ^

 

dark shades but the colour of dark red wine, and it is wool. you can imagine how wonderful it is, right?

 

later i will wear it often but now, i don't want to wear it so much, i am afraid to over wear it heh

 

黒猫しっぽ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫あたま

 

moreover, i watched some anime last summer and autumn

Full Metal Panic! Invisible Victory

Shiki

Darker than Black

Violet Evergarden

Shingeki no Kyojin Season 3

Banana Fish

 

finally, i finished first season of Darker, you know how i didn't want to finish it because of some reasons.

finally, i finished Shiki, and again i didn't want to finish it so quickly because of same reasons as it was with Darker.

i dont know could i watch them just if i didn't know something, but i liked it so far and.. i am kind of glad to know them now. they had a sense and, well...

 

In my childhood, i liked Full Metal Panic so i couldn't miss it. seiyu were same, and yah, it was an amazing time

 

Why did I start to watch Violet? because there is a moment, even idea: she tried to survive and live in the time after she missed him. In short words. and, yeah, now i realize how it is difficult. 

 

Banana Fish. The thing i cant stop think without emotion. Even mangaka told it is not about love. And, come on, it is like 91 Days but even deeper. How character tried to reach something invisible and he didnt reach. With all his intelligence, strength and wish. I dindn't think i can find something strong in such kind of anime. well, i cannot tell that there is another anime that affected to me so much. maybe it is because i got the special condition in this time, and during time i watched it ongoing. 

 

 

 

黒猫しっぽ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫あたま

 

i cut a connection earlier than we promised and.

 

well i am so confused,, so empty inside that i. you know that things that i did write here before about sadness are nothing that i feel now. it is something over than just tears. it is a big stone in my chest that i cant throw out. it follows me so hard.

 

I think i have no right to write something about it. not because it is betrayal and i dont think i can overcome, it stays with me.

 

ah, i don not know what should i do to feel a bit better even!

 

before i could disappear among books, music or anything! But now it doesn't work! I cant read well, i cant listen to. I became so careless with anything that even last two times a car almost knocked me down

 

黒猫しっぽ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫からだ黒猫あたま

 

now i am trying to abstract to watch Dororo, Persona 5 and Yakusoku no Neverland

 

and first one affected to me even worse, sigh

 

-kahara