Maturity

Its almost a year now ever since my breakup with her on May 2012. And I felt that I've really grown. A little more matured than last time.

Last time, when I just broke up. I feel very down very sad. I feel that my world was crumbling down when I've lost her to another guy.

I told myself not to bother her as much but I always break my own promise.

I always go find her and I wanted to chat everyday like we used to when we were couples but because of the breakup. We are not obliged to chat with each other everyday.

So eventually she got busy and did not reply my messages. I would feel so...... Depressed? I dunno what i felt last time. Coz that really was a year ago.

The reason why i felt more matured is that... Now i feel its ok we dont chat everyday. Even if she dont reply me as much i feel its okay.

I started to see clearly as before. That all breakups are almost the same. Usually one would wanna move on and one would try so hard to make that person stay. And it never ends good. And eventually. The two become strangers again...

I would say i am grateful that she still wants us to remained as friends although i still love her very much and it hurts her everytime she knows that i still feel the same way i do a year ago.

Sure sometimes, somenights. Without her warmth. I have trouble sleeping. And it hurts sometimes to lost her.

Dreaming about her did help sometimes and i'd wish that i could sleep more to see her but ah well... Maybe next time dreams would come true?



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i lack of.

Recently i founs out that i lack of a lot of things that made myself go insane.

I lack of.

Confidence - the confidence in myself to get her and to marry her and to live a happy life with her in the future. That recently i found almost impossible.

Trust - the trust she needs when she could doubt me for being bad to her but after all these while i have been nothing but good to her. When i ask her the question, will she trust me. She always expects the worst.

Love - the love that we once shared. It might be gone for her. I dunno. If there is then i would felt it. But its really getting lesser and lesser.

Will - the will to love again. Ive lost it. Somehow. The breakup cost unspeakable damage to me that ive lost the will to love someone else again. Since ive set my mind to her i cant imagine of being with someone else besides her.



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Fairness

Its been about a year since we broke up..

And up till now i still dont understans why she would choose him instead of me.

She told me, his family dislike her. Then why she did not leave him the way she left me when she and my sister have problems? The dude have 5 sisters. And even the mother also dislikes her..

She told me, he treats her well..
But did i really mistreat her that much? I treat her like no guys would. I treated her the best and obviously, if we were to compare, he wouldnt even able to match it.. but yet she chose him.

I dont understand how, after so many years of knowing her. The slightest things might trigger her to distrust me. After so many years why cant she trusts me?

She told me that breaking up with me was a mistake. Thats why she try to amend her mistakes with him. But i dont understands why she could not make it better for me instead?

Sometimes i feel like im a victim. I need help. I need help from her.

I often find life quite frustrating to live on... I just dont know how to live by the pain that i have that couldnt go away..

Its about a year now. And im still hurting. I miss her like crazy...



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