Couldn't Help

Hello,

This is just way long already.
I shouldn't be writing this.
But this might be a reminder for my future self, when I look back.
How far I've come.
I just hope few years down the road I've already let go.


This year April I was admitted to the hospital for Tuberculosis.
It wasn't a good time for me
I stayed in the ward for almost a month at that time.
Depression kicks in, although it isn't that heavy.

Was jobless, single, broke and friendless

During my stay, I finally know who are my real friends are
and how cruel you came to be.

Maybe you didn't know whats going on
But times when I really needed you to care.

You weren't there.

I just couldn't bring myself to text or to call you to tell you about my condition
I am afraid you might not care and I might bring myself into worst state than I was at that time.

Then I realised how much I tried to be there even before we got together
How much I wanted you
and when I was in the ward
How much I've missed you.

It wasn't easy standing up.
The things you've said to me really put me down the dumps.

Life goes on and I already turned a new chapter in my life.
But the memories of you and me are still with me as I advance.

The happy times, The sad times. The times of What Ifs and Maybes.
Those memories attacked me very randomly
and made me realized that.

I haven't let you go.

No matter how hard I wish that you were a memory in the past.
No matter how hard I tried to move on but I'm just scared

How terrifying it is that things turned out to be how it is to be.

Thank goodness for my friends who are always around to cheer me up.
But when the memories attack
I just couldn't help to feel down.

At least the good side of it was that
I am slowly moving on?
As in those memories didn't attack me as much as they did before.

But you would still appear in my dreams
And would remind me how hurting it was you've left me.

You've now moved on and I guess totally forgotten about me
Got your boyfriend, got your friends, got your life.

It's best that I should stop thinking about you already..

2 years already and I'm still single.
Maybe because I don't want any remaining bits of you that would affect how I treat my "future" girlfriend.

That wouldn't be fair.

The picture in my wallet.

Haha. Well. I am back here again.
Ranting about emo stuffs that has been happening within me right now.

Reason I've been away for so long its because I starting to feel better already.
I dont have that hunger/need to text her everyday of my life. Or hoping that she would text me already..

Things just come natural and I am okay with it.

I just realised. Its about 24 hours before our second anniversary.

And our first kiss together.

Despite things getting better ever since the last post that we got a huge arguement and stuff.
I still miss her a lot and I still very much in love with her..

Its up to that very ridiculous stage where even you yourself clearly know that you are suppose to move on but you cant take that first time of getting away.

I mean come on. its 2 years already. Isn't it time to move?

Logically its time to move but everytime when I truly ask myself the question. And I am still waiting...

Sigh. Maybe this situation will get better after another year. I am not entirely sure about it.

_____________________________________


Well today. I helped her locate her passport that she accidentally left it in my car.
Of course I got worried as much as she was. And I was relieved that its really in my car and not dropped anywhere else.

And while looking at her passport while walking towards the elavator.
I just realised that. With this little book.
She could visit her boyfriend in Singapore since her posting is starting in Johore Bahru.

Then I looked at it and I felt very emotional. Till this moment.
It hurts alot that I am still in love with her and yet I am helping her to go visit her boyfriend.
Maybe I was burried deep within the friendzone that I have not seen the light of days already.
Its just very depressing to have realised that.

Sure, I could just hide it. Or even told her I couldn't find it and she's force to make a new one.
But because of assurance I just told her that its really in my car.
And I don't want to be the bad person here.

She meeting him is a fact that cannot be changed. But when I have the chance to change it. Even just a little, slight bit.
I couldn't do it.

She thanked me alot today.
But despite that. I dunno. I don't felt as thanked as how she thanked me.
It felt different.

Sigh. Tears meant nothing for me already. The pain is slowly and effectively became the part of me everytime she mentioned him.

Its hard to move on when you are clearly still in love with her.
Just wish that time would turn back to when I have her.
Things looked better last time.

______________________________________________________________





Shes still the girl in the picture that I've kept for more than a year.
I would always bring it along with me.
And might even look at her. Because the pictures stored our most precious memories.
I would miss the memories but I can't have them anymore.
Only the picture remains.

Correct

Maybe she's right. I kept saying/wanting to be back with her. Maybe its overwhelming her..

Today she got a threat from the underworld people. It got me super worried.
I want to know what is going on so I could think of a solution of helping her.
But I dunno how to approach her as she was in a emotional/ganjeong state.

sorry i couldn't write on. seriously no mood left.