I want it to stop hurting me. But I just don't know how.
I seriously not gonna be in another relationship already.
I don't want to feel weak and helpless anymore.
I wanted her but it seems very impossible for her to be with me.
I am just so lost.
This post.
I really dunno how to start.
Because there are a lot of things I wanted to tell you but do not have the guts to.
Sometimes I just felt so unappreciated.
Yeah sure I did a lot of things for you without asking anything for return. I think I broken that promise when I felt that you don't appreciate me as much.
Maybe you don't know how to convey your appreciation towards me I am not sure.
But I just feel that when you say you will be my confidence then you left for another person it hurts me to the core.
I don't want to be inferior in my family.
I am always the quiet one in my family.
But I felt so alive when I am outside of my house. When I am with my friends. I felt superior sometimes.
I feel more confident. Am smarter and things go well for me when I am with my friends.
Yet you couldn't really see it. I really dunno how do I show you my feelings.
That is the reason why I don't want to go back to my house so early when I am out.
Even if I am at my house I am a shut in... Usually staying in my room alone.
I am close to my family. Yes. But sometimes these traumas don't just go away when I pour it out.
I want to show you I am confident. I am capable of taking care of you and so I try to meet up with all your needs. Try to solve your problems when you are too stressed to solve them.
I was your Superman.
But today, when you talk about karma and said if your child ends up like that bitch then you will feel pekcek.
The best role model you would say JingMing number 1 then say Bernard number 2.
Now it is unfair to say they are bad people without get to know them first.
But I just can't believe I am not in that same catergory as them lah.
I am not a smart scorer. I don't possess perfect scores in my report card.
But I just feel that. If your child's role model is me.
Wouldn't it be great if your child treats their partners right. Always provide and protect their partners and never let go even when times are difficult?
They are maybe better than me.. I dunno.
Or maybe I am jealous? I am not sure myself also.
But all I felt was hurt from inside and out. I just dunno how to hold it in anymore.
I felt like ending my life man.
Like this cannot, like that also cannot.
You recently start to get more distant with my friends and family.
I am scared that even one day when you are single. And I wanted to chase you back. It is impossible already because you don't want to go back to me...
i burst.
I really dunno how to start.
Because there are a lot of things I wanted to tell you but do not have the guts to.
Sometimes I just felt so unappreciated.
Yeah sure I did a lot of things for you without asking anything for return. I think I broken that promise when I felt that you don't appreciate me as much.
Maybe you don't know how to convey your appreciation towards me I am not sure.
But I just feel that when you say you will be my confidence then you left for another person it hurts me to the core.
I don't want to be inferior in my family.
I am always the quiet one in my family.
But I felt so alive when I am outside of my house. When I am with my friends. I felt superior sometimes.
I feel more confident. Am smarter and things go well for me when I am with my friends.
Yet you couldn't really see it. I really dunno how do I show you my feelings.
That is the reason why I don't want to go back to my house so early when I am out.
Even if I am at my house I am a shut in... Usually staying in my room alone.
I am close to my family. Yes. But sometimes these traumas don't just go away when I pour it out.
I want to show you I am confident. I am capable of taking care of you and so I try to meet up with all your needs. Try to solve your problems when you are too stressed to solve them.
I was your Superman.
But today, when you talk about karma and said if your child ends up like that bitch then you will feel pekcek.
The best role model you would say JingMing number 1 then say Bernard number 2.
Now it is unfair to say they are bad people without get to know them first.
But I just can't believe I am not in that same catergory as them lah.
I am not a smart scorer. I don't possess perfect scores in my report card.
But I just feel that. If your child's role model is me.
Wouldn't it be great if your child treats their partners right. Always provide and protect their partners and never let go even when times are difficult?
They are maybe better than me.. I dunno.
Or maybe I am jealous? I am not sure myself also.
But all I felt was hurt from inside and out. I just dunno how to hold it in anymore.
I felt like ending my life man.
Like this cannot, like that also cannot.
You recently start to get more distant with my friends and family.
I am scared that even one day when you are single. And I wanted to chase you back. It is impossible already because you don't want to go back to me...
i burst.
I began to question myself whether am I truly loving her or it is just an illusion of the heart?
I might miss her and our memories we had together.
But after today (11th of May 2013) I know that I still love her so so much.
Today she went out with him.
That is the reason why she's been ignoring my call. And also not replying my whatsapp. Or even online in whatsapp.
I could say today I was worried. From yesterday I tried contacting her till today but her replies was slow.
And I thought that its her council problems so she would ignore me because she was busy.
But apparently my "sixth sense" got me wrong. And at first I thought she was out with Keith. But yeah she did go out with a guy. But its with her boyfriend.
Don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong to go out with her boyfriend.
But I could say I really felt like something stabbed my heart everytime they hang out.
Or his "unexpected" visit that surprised her and she took a photo together with him. My last photo with her was in Melaka. And now that my phone is lost. I have nothing to look back to.
Its the 11th. By right it should be our 1 year and 10months together if things went well and we did not breakup.
It is still a date to remember but she spent it with him.
Last year. 2012. Around this day. She was away because her godfather passed away. I couldn't spend it with her. And she told me that she fallen for him. I can tell you. It hurts like the same as last year. Nothing has changed.
Sigh. I wish, if there is a God. Please have mercy on my soul.
I can tell you that I've been hurting non stop ever since we broke up.
Even if I did alot of things for her. I couldn't tell her that I felt unappreciated because she will freak out and say "OH, If you suffer so much then might as well don't love me anymore lah"
I just don't know what to do at times.
It hurts like crazy and God give me strength.
I am holding my tears now.
And I cannot express my feelings towards her or anyone else because there is nothing wrong to go out with her boyfriend.
And yet.
It still hurts.
Why am I still loving her, why am I still feel the pain?
I might miss her and our memories we had together.
But after today (11th of May 2013) I know that I still love her so so much.
Today she went out with him.
That is the reason why she's been ignoring my call. And also not replying my whatsapp. Or even online in whatsapp.
I could say today I was worried. From yesterday I tried contacting her till today but her replies was slow.
And I thought that its her council problems so she would ignore me because she was busy.
But apparently my "sixth sense" got me wrong. And at first I thought she was out with Keith. But yeah she did go out with a guy. But its with her boyfriend.
Don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong to go out with her boyfriend.
But I could say I really felt like something stabbed my heart everytime they hang out.
Or his "unexpected" visit that surprised her and she took a photo together with him. My last photo with her was in Melaka. And now that my phone is lost. I have nothing to look back to.
Its the 11th. By right it should be our 1 year and 10months together if things went well and we did not breakup.
It is still a date to remember but she spent it with him.
Last year. 2012. Around this day. She was away because her godfather passed away. I couldn't spend it with her. And she told me that she fallen for him. I can tell you. It hurts like the same as last year. Nothing has changed.
Sigh. I wish, if there is a God. Please have mercy on my soul.
I can tell you that I've been hurting non stop ever since we broke up.
It hurts like crazy and God give me strength.
I am holding my tears now.
And I cannot express my feelings towards her or anyone else because there is nothing wrong to go out with her boyfriend.
And yet.
It still hurts.
Why am I still loving her, why am I still feel the pain?