胸がない

母親が、見なくていいように鏡にカバーをつけようかと提案してくれた

でも他の家族は鏡見たいだろうし、濡れちゃうから大丈夫と伝えた

しばらくはシャワーに入るのが嫌いだった

自分の身体を見るたびに、ない胸がズキっとした

全摘後、再建を選択しない人も多くいる

私にはできない選択だったけど、命を優先しなさいと言われて議論する余地がなかった

次の治療の抗がん剤と放射線治療を進めたい先生と、再建できるのか気になる私

ただでさえ薄くなっている胸の皮膚は、放射線をした後に伸びることができず、放射線後の再建はトラブルがつきものの為、受けてくれる病院やクリニックが少ないのはわかっていた

このまま胸がないまま、残りの人生生きていくのを考えるのは心が痛かった

My mother suggested that we put a cover over the mirror so I wouldn't have to see it

I told her not to worry, that the cover would get wet and other family members would want to use the mirror 

I hated the shower

Each time my eyes met my body image in the mirror, my heart sunk

There are many who chose not to do reconstruction surgery after mastectomy

It was a choice I couldn't make, but I didn't have a choice when told to prioritize my life

It was me vs the doctor who wanted to move on with my next treatments, chemothrapy and radiation therapy

The skin on my breast was already thin after the doctor's attempt to remove much of it as possible

The skin after radiation therapy would not stretch, and many hospitals and clinics declined to do reconstruction because it came with problems

The thought of having to live the rest of my life like this, haunted me

鏡

お風呂をずっと恐れていた

鏡があるから

自分の身体と向き合わざるを得ないから

見ないようにしようと思えば思うほど、見てしまうもの

シャワーを浴びているどこかのタイミングで鏡の中の自分の身体と目が合ってしまった

辛かった

シャワーしながら泣いた

部屋に戻ってからも泣いた

見たことない新しい自分の身体に慣れるまでには時間がかかった

I was scared of using the shower after getting home after surgery

There was a mirror in the bathroom

I didn't have the nerve to look at myself

But when you try hard not to look, thats when you look

At one point during my shower, my eyes met my body in the mirror

It was really painful

I cried in the shower

I cried after going back to my room

It took a while to get used to my new body

術後の痛み その③

術後の痛みその③は、心の痛み

身体的な痛みは薬で抑えたり、触らないようにしたり、手伝ってもらったりしたら緩和される

29歳にして、片胸を失った心の痛みは辛かった

胸を残したら私は生きていけない、この世にいない人になってしまうと自分に言い聞かせても

今まで29年間あった身体の一部が、急になくなることは辛かった

元々小さい大した胸ではなかったけど、女性として、何かが欠けてしまった気がした

The other pain I had after this surgery was the pain in my heart

Physical pain can be mitigated with painkillers, getting help, and trying not to use/touch it

But the pain I felt as a 29year old girl losing one of her breast, was hard to cope

I told myself over and over that if I had let my breast stay, I will not be here to experience the rest of life

Still losing a part of my body I had for 29years hurt

It was a small breast, but losing it made me feel like I a deficiency of a woman

術後の痛み その②

退院の直前、最後に身体に入れていたリンパ液を抜く為のチューブが抜かれた時が、多分一番痛かった

まだ跡が残っているから、10年経った今でも思い出す

今回の入院は友達ができたから、毎日毎食一緒に過ごした友達を残して退院は少し寂しかったけど、家に帰れるのは嬉しかった

1週間後漸く退院

家族がお祝いしてくれた

Taking the tube that was helping to drain my lymph fluid on the day I left, was probably the most painful experience out of the whole stay at the hospital

I still have a little scar after 10years, that reminds me of it and makes me ache

This time around, I was a little sad to leave the hospital after spending everyday every meal with my new friend

Nevertheless was very happy to go home to my bed, my mum's cooking and home

I left the hospital after a week

My family celebrated my milestone with me

術後の痛み その①

前回の手術は部分摘出で傷も大きくなかったけど、今回は全摘で傷も大きい分痛みも大きかった

思っても見ないところで痛みが出た

ベッドから起き上がる時、腹筋を使ってる時に胸筋も使っているのか

術後数日は自分で起き上がれなかった

ナースさんに起こしてほしいとお願いしたら、自分で起きて下さいと嫌なことを言われた

と入院中にできた友達に漏らしたら、その子が看護婦さんに抗議してくれた

正義感が強い子だった

残りの入院中は、胸に包帯を巻いていて、先生が術後の傷口を見るときだけ包帯を取った

まだ自分のなくなった胸と向き合える気がしなくて、先生が傷を観察している時は目を背け、一度も見なかった

The first surgery was partial mastectomy and my scar and pain was relatively small

This time I had full mastectomy - which mean I had my full breast removed 

The scar and pain was more significant than what I had experienced before

Pain came in different ways

One of them was not being able to get up from bed myself - I must have been using my pectoral muscles together with my abs when I woke up from bed

I needed help for a few days after surgery

I asked the nurse to help me several times

One of the busy nurses told me to get up myself

My new friend was compassionate and told the nurses off - I wasn't asking for help for what I could do myself

During the rest of the stay at the hospital, I had a bandage around my breast

The only time it came off was when the doctor came to check

I didn't have the courage to face the non-existence of a part of my body yet