The Meaning of Happiness 幸せの意味

長生きしたとしても

多忙な毎日がオートパイロットになってしまい、小さな幸せを味わって生活している人はどれだけいるんだろう

仕事や子育て等、リタイヤするまではそんな時間的な余裕がある贅沢な生活は、今の世の中できないような設定になっているから

私のこの人生経験が、たとえ短かったとしても

生きてる意味を、幸せを

家族の有り難さを、友達の温かみを

それに対する言葉にならない感謝を

経験している人生の何が

不幸せなんだろうと思った

私が人と環境に恵まれているのは間違いないけど

乳がんは、昇格じゃなく、経済的な豊かさではなく、

当たり前だと思ってた人や、忙しい毎日で見落とされがちな小さな幸せが

本当は最も意味のある幸せだと

ちゃんと気づけるように教えてくれたんだと思う

In this society where everyone is pressed for time

Where working overtime is praised, being efficient, fast, and effective is the goal

Where people are overburdened with work, raising children, social obligations and life becomes an auto-pilot

Even if they lived long, not everyone has the luxury to appreciate little things

Even if my life was rather short

If I had experienced during that life, 

The true meaning of being alive, the happiness

The gratefulness I feel for my family, the warmth I feel for my friends

And the overwhelming gratitude I have for them that I cannot express in words

I didn’t know how I could be an unlucky girl

For sure, I am extremely lucky to have my people

But breast cancer gave me the opportunity to realise

That real happiness is not promotion, financial wealth 

But the people you took for granted, and the little things in everyday life

The Unlucky Girl 可哀想な子

妹たちは、そこから治療が終わって5年目のマイルストーンを迎えるまで、いくつものサプライズをしてくれた

闘病中でも、私が幸せを感じられるように考えてくれたんだと思う

アルバムだったり、友達を集めたご飯会だったり、お花、ぬいぐるみ、ケーキ

時には個室のいろんな影からサプライズで友達が登場した

私の為にどこまで考えてくれるんだろうと心が温かくなった

そんな環境を作ってくれたおかげだと思う

「若年生がんで4ヶ月で再発」というとかわいそうな目を向けられる

節目節目で落ち込んで、「なんで」って思う時だってある

でも自分が可哀想で不幸な人間だとは到底思えなかった

My sisters spent the next 5 years to my milestone organising many surprises for me along the way

I think it was their way of making me feel some love and happiness, even while I went through tough unknown situations

It was picture albums, gatherings with friends, flowers, soft toys, cakes to celebrate

At one time I was taken to a private space for dinner, where my friends appeared (surprise!) from all corners of the room

My heart warmed thinking about, and probably not understanding the extent they tried to be there for me to do everything they could in their power to make me feel happiness in my situation

I think they are the biggest reason why

I couldn’t come to think of myself as an unfortunate person

I had the title of “the poor girl with young adult cancer with recurrence after just 4months”

From time to time, I did wonder why this was happening to me

I had all the right to pity myself for my situation

But I could never think of myself as the one who should be pitied, to be felt sorry for, the “poor unlucky girl”

How could I?

The Day I Forgot Everything 病気を忘れた幸せな日

自分の似顔絵の裏から、もう1人の妹と

ロンドン時代に仲良くしていた友達が3人出てきた

状況が読み込めておらず

しばらくみんなに笑われながら呆然と立ち尽くしていた

私の誕生日と、これからの治療を応援する為に妹が内緒で集めてくれた友達たち

あまりのびっくりに、病気のことも忘れて楽しく過ごした、すごく幸せな日だった

One by one, a familiar faces appeared from behind my cartoon faces

First my other sister, then few of my closest friends from London

I couldn’t understand the situation for a long while, and stood there with my mouth open while my loved ones laughed at me

My sister had organised a surprise dinner to celebrate my belated birthday, and to cheer me on with the upcoming treatments

I was so stunned, I spent the time totally forgetting what has been bugging my mind 99% of the time recently - that I was sick and about to head into some gruesome treatment - and just spent a really lovely evening full of happy feelings only

Surprise Dinner まさかのサプライズ

ボブになった次の日

神楽坂の好きなレストランで妹と食事をする約束をしていた

案内された席は2人席ではなく

6人くらいの大きなテーブルで人が既に座っていた

間違えられたかなと思って困惑していたら

よく見たら座ってる人がみんな顔を隠して何かを持っている

すごく変なテーブルで更に困惑していたら

顔を隠しているお面が、見覚えのある似顔絵

よく見たら妹が以前3人姉妹の似顔絵を書いてもらった際の

私の似顔絵を切り取った部分だった

The day after I donated my hair, I had plans to meet my sister for dinner at one of our favourite restaurants in Kagurazaka

The waitress took us to our table

It was a big table, and there were people already seated there 

I wondered if she got confused with the booking, and was going to ask, when I saw that everyone at that table held something in their hands and was hiding their faces

It was a very unusual gang to say the least, if not weird

I felt like I shouldn’t look at them, but from the corner of my eye, I recognised a familiar sketch of a face

It was a cartoon portrait of MY face

Hair Donation ヘアドーネーション

ほぼずっとロングだった

社会人成り立てで、下手なカットモデルにされて一度強制的にボブになった以外は

すっとロング

直前まで長い髪をキープしたかったけど、抜ける量が多く見えるのはもっと嫌だった

29歳の誕生日は長い髪で迎え、家族で北海道に旅行に行った

帰ってきてから待ち構えている抗がん剤の前に初めてショートにした

自分の意思で切ったわけではなかったけど、少しでもその髪でポジティブな経験ができればいいと思ってヘアドネーションをした

私の頭に残れないのであれば、私と同じ経験をしなきゃいけないどこかの女の子が

少しでも楽な気持ちになれればいいと思った

I had long hair most my of life

Only once in my early 20s when I became a cut model for a very inexperienced person, I had been forced into having a bob cut

Other than that, I had long hair as long as I can remember

I wanted to keep my long hair as long as possible, but I also didn’t want face the amount of hair that will fall out

I celebrated my 29th birthday and went on a holiday trip with my long hair

Just when chemo was around the corner (so I thought), I cut my hair short

Losing my hair wasn’t my choice, but may as well make it a positive experience if it had to happen, so I donated my hair

If it couldn’t stay on my head, I hoped it can go make comfort for another girl who maybe going through similar things