Swept Under the Rug
It was some time in October I think, I was turning 18 in a month.It was a cold night and we were at a party at the next door neighbors.My dad was drinking with his friend(our other neighbors),and I was with them drinking a bit,but mute as usual.After the party was coming to an end, I told dad how I wanted to go to karaoke with him afterwords,despite his friends asking him to stay longer, he said he did promise me,with a smile, and so we decided to leave the party to go sing. I forgot where it was,maybe it was at the karaoke that was close to our house, by the station.But we sang a bit, I sang the most as usual. And my dad was out of it, laying down on the couch, and he told me we should go home since he was falling asleep.So we walked back home(as far as I can remember).and stopped at the front of dads house as he opened the door,he asked me if I was gonna take a shower,I said yes but in the shower room downstairs(we had two shower rooms, upstairs and downstairs),and as I was taking off my shoes he asked me "Do you want to take a shower with me? Just a quick one,to save the water." I hesitated at his sudden question... I said No, that Ill take one downstairs, He told me not to since I would wake up my step mom, who was sleeping in the next room by the shower room. My dad.. kept asking and telling me at the same time, to come in to the upstairs shower room with him, I kept refusing, but I wound up in the shower with him,since he would`nt shut up...(he told me this is my fault because I asked him) but I was concerned about my body, so I asked my dad for help(since I thought he can help me since he told me before he`s studied woman anatomy in college), I told dad about my body complex I had back then(still do..), he told me he would check it in the shower, so he told me to go in the shower first, I was hesitant again about this, but I slowly went in to the shower and started the water to wash my hair. Then suddenly the lights went out, and my dad opened the shower door and came inside.(I remember how he told me to not tell mom about this because she would kick his ass.)He then asked me where I wanted him to check, I told him where (but I didnt say in detail how to be checked), and oddly he told me to turn around, a bit timid, I slowly faced the shower wall. And he started to massage the area from the back, and he told me he was only checking for lumps. But overall, I was terrified ad too shocked to think or say a word at that moment.After he checked, if i remember MY way..(dad said this was`nt true), he started to wash mt body, I forgot what he used, but he even washed me down there, (my dad said its all not true and my mind made it up but idk...), anyway, after he washed me clean.... he told me to go dry myself o, so I did.And when he came out o the shower too, he asked again if she can see the area.. so i showed him(this time the light was on), and he poked a finger inside and asked me if I was able to feel it, I felt at the time it was freaky and odd what he was doing, so I just responded "no..", then he said " I think you should have a Dr. look at it.", and he went out and i was alone to get dressed... That night of course I was`nt able to sleep at all, thinking over and over, if what just happened was abuse or not... But the next day, I face up to my courage and asked him about last night, he said "I`m sorry I was drunk, can you forgive me?" (that`s what I remember, but my dad does`nt)I blocked this memory out before college started, enrolled in to a animal nursing college, i was happy at first, until the night before my high school graduation, I`d cut myself for the first time... from then on, it was a addiction, college did`nt feel ok, nothing did. Everyday was a mess for me. I was a mess in general, and I did`nt know why at that time, but I think its because of the blocked out memory of what happened.. It may have been blocked, but I think the effect of it on me was fully bloomed.In the end I quit college, and started to work as a waitress, after that went down, I tried confronting my dad at age 19, I let a whole year by while holding back so much inside.But the confrontation did not go well, at all.My dad beat me up with his words... I still remember...And he made me feel so dirty and sick.I truly thought of ending my life then.I did`nt cut myself though, instead I starve myself like crazy, 88 pounds.And my dad assumed I was doing it for attention, he called me a freak and that I was`nt his daughter anymore. Because I thought the way that he was, because of what he did. So I kept it behind me again, i tried to move on from it.. the only thing was, I moved on towards the wrong direction...I sought help from the wrong people. From guys, chat buddies.(because my mom did`nt care or understand how I FELT..)And I was used by every one of them.They got to use me the way they wanted to, for I felt beyond help from them that time, I felt it as love, as twisted as it sounds..I think I felt this way then, because of such lack of support from my family, and without any comfort or love to start with.. it kind of.. blended in to them as love and comfort (If this makes sense) The last guy I met up with, I knew him as a friend, what I did`nt know was that he loved me.He took my virginity. Not that I wanted him to, but as usual, he blamed that on me too.Its something that`s a part of my life and that I`ll never forget.The list of pain goes on forever about that, so I wont even try to list them down. But i know if only I didnt suppress dads memory, I would have told thoughs guys how I was feeling, instead of talking about my issues and gaining their trust..I think part of me is trying to blame all this on to my dad, even if I`m scared to.I feel anger again, anger that I never got to let out to him for 5 years now..Yet I feel it will be more smart to keep quiet. I mean, they all moved on.(Im told I should to, and I have been, even if Im told by mom that Im still where I stood back then, but Im at least working and I rarely think of dad etc. these days.)So why open a locked door that`s only seen as unlocked to me, and even more to family...(more like secret) I feel,... if my dad did`nt ask me to go in the shower that night, i would`nt be so phobic of men today, if my dad never messaged me (even if he was just checking), I would`nt have assumed he hurt me and confronted him and gotten hurt all over again, and then seek help to those jerks.If my family did`nt judge and call me a liar about it from the start.. I would have gotten love and protection... instead of thinking my "rapist" and those 3 guys WERE giving me... love and understanding me. Which they totally were NOT!Am I crazy and fucked up to think my dads the bad one? Am I the real bad person..If i did`nt feel so alone and dead inside. If I care more about myself, instead of not caring since I felt what my dad did already ruin my as a person.If I knew better.Maybe my dad did nothing wrong... Did I write all this shit for nothing...?Maybe it was all a "misunderstanding" like he told me last year.. :( But there no way to change this now, I have to try moving on again...Right?
