Heartfelt English -12ページ目

Heartfelt English -12ページ目

ホームピグアメブロ

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08Mar
- The First Step
  Ok, so I decided to go to the school.. once I see how it is when I check it out this weekend.But to be honest? Im completely scared.. Im scared of changing, but it has to be made to move on.Im scared of being in class again, I know my anxiety will shoot up and get me overstressed in no time.And Im scared it`ll lower my confidence in learning and everything else involved in being in school again.Im scared.. But Ill try.. at least.If that even IS good enough.... I do want to learn, so Im going to try. And try moving on along with the anxiety Ill face daily, without (hopefully)letting it lose myself.
06Mar
- A Future??
  Im still unstable in my own way.. but somewhat Im seeing this future thing a bit clearer.Found a nice looking school,but Im still not sure I can apply, since mom wont pay for me, and wants dad to.. but im scared to ask him hah... Makeup academy, in Omotesando.What Im scared of is if Il go back downhill from all the anxiety.I know it sounds stupid, but it can be too much for me.Hmm, maybe someday Ill be more motivated to really be someone that can be better and noticed somewhat, as well as more satisfied about who I am.School link(in case your wondering where the hell im thinking of applying to) http://www.fromhand.co.jp/topics/webdir/73.html
15Feb
- Today
  I went back to moms today.A whole year with her telling me what to do, basically.I thought it would be bad, but my daily schedule she made me isnt too bad, i at least get relaxing time..The first thing I did when i went home, was drink, typical for me really, stress and emotions equals for me to go insane.But tonight Im ok, thinking of my gf, and yet listening to KE$HA songs, like dancing with tears in my eyes etc. Idk how i fel atm.Depressed, blank or just, wanting to lose my mind. Long story..Im just use to being and acting cray and careless i guess.When im careless because im depressed, i feel im alone, completely. And no one can understand me nor do I really give a fuck.. So I just act out on it, drinking, cutting(maybe) or thoughts of just.. fucked up things. Getting raped again or just being taken over my guys... actually.I know i must sound fucked up atm, i think its bec i feel that way, I feel sick actually, nauseated. But I also have urges to just fuck up my life even more, this i will never know why. Why i feel I can guess it.. but the answer will be one that no one wants to hear anymore. My past. Ya of course, everyone hates that answer..But I feel its something only I get.. Past events can fuck you up, and i think mine did, not saying im sad or poor me etc.. fuck that shit.. I know its my fault, i just want ppl to stop fixing me when i know i cant be fixed...Maybe theyll know if i replyed all that happened in their own heads... if only i could do that.
10Feb
- Sorrow
  It hurts to explain.I dont want to sound as weak as I really am.I try to remain tall on the ground.But my hearts pouring sorrow in ways that cant be said.The hurt from the past never seems to go away.Not every day feels the same.But when the rain falls everything turns to mist inside.The insides of my soul start burning.And I know why.This plague thats beaten me down.Took its toll on me that night night he ripped my soul out and betrayed me so easily.And left me to feel all the weight of everything hes left behind.These painful thoughts cant be written in words.I cant feel it will get any better.I only wish the past never came to me.But how can a weakened heart be mended from the inside.If its too ripped apart.From the countless times Ive fooled myself in to falling in love.Too many times of acting without thinking.I regret it daily.Doubt theres a day Il really forget it at all..No words to be said.This pain I feel is too deep to be searched for.Its already eating me up inside.Dug a deep hole too deep to be filled up.And Im too clueless about love again.I feel I have to be the only girl in the worldThats so naive as I am.Unable to escape the demons in my own head.Creating places for me to feel safe and whole again.I wish I knew how to live.It feels like I never did.Like my lifes been altered the day I was born.ANd unable to be fixed or change.I became nothing but a burden.Someone thats just too much to handle.Is life and love overrated?I know its just me.But Im too hurt to feel anything anymore.Just the pain thats bee stuck inside my heart for centuries.I wish I wasnt me.
08Feb
- Colorblind
  And this is a song I wanted to add to my blog posts.. Just something I cant really express in words. - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Luf2t_UT5dc&feature=related
- The Last Time(inspired by KE$HA-The Herold Song)
  This is the last time I write about you.We ended it forever yesterday.You hurt me for the last time.The words that Ill never forget.I feel stupid for still loving you.As if you drugged me up the night we met each other.Love struck and drunk.All I needed was you.All I wanted to be was with you.All I asked of was your love.You meant true love to me.You took my heart and mended it together for me.You showed me to love myself.And for once because of you I felt loved and special.But now here we are in different lives and dreams.You never loved me in the end.This was all a game for you.And I was only a replacement for your broken heart she gave you.I understand now that love cant be seen clearly only by words of love.And that love can hurt more than you think.Still breaking apart as I speak.I cant get you away from me.Everyday. Everywhere I go.My mind replays scenes of you and me.And what I thought was love.Was it worth it to forget me?Creating life and love with another.Leaving me out of it, and betraying me completely.Was it worth it to lose me?I pray everyday that I can forget you someday.I guess everything I thought was all in my head.All a bad dream.But how can it all seem so real.My lessons have been learned.My mistakes were made.The blames are all on me.Now I stay on guard with everyone I see.Avoiding the bad memories.I try to keep living and moving on.But I already know I cant go too far.Im too distorted inside.Just something no one can see.So someday I will forget you and stay the same.Lonely and depressed.I feel Im crazy for losing my mind over you.I wish I never trusted you.So I blame myself for everything that happened.I wont trust myself anymore.Because I hurt myself more then you ever did.Because of trusting you...So take this as a memory of what you did to me.And the last time you`ll hear and see me.You never loved me.And so this is the last lyrics of you.Unspoken words I still cant express to you.All the hurt.I want it to take me out of my misery.I want this to be gone.But I cant even be upset at you..So I blame myself again for being so weak and stupid.Naive for loving you how I did.Ill never want anyone else like you again.This story has to end.But I know it`ll always keep racing in my heart for life.You never knew just how much you meant to me.So again I blame myself.For loving you.This is my last time...(And I fuckin hate myself for believing in you.I fuckin hate you for saying that you loved me.)
03Feb
- Life isnt for me
  Oh god, here it goes again.All the bad feelings and such.Completely mind fuckedNumbed up everywhere.The lights been turned off.I have no hope.Why cant they see that?Its hopeless to try fixing me.Sometimes I wish they`d understand.Everything I plan on or for.My future.Hobbies.It all disappears in mid air.Nothing ever goes right in this head of mine.Only desires of self destruction.Nothings going to change as long as Im myself.Hopefully she sees that real soon.Im maybe meant to be alone.Always hurting or bothering others.My mood in general ruins every relationship and friendship.Nothing will ever be ok anymore.
02Feb
- Why I Think Im Just Too Different To Live
  Sometimes I leave myself in fear, thinking if Ill ever have a real life at all.The moods always rapidly changing.Happy to sad..Suicidal to blank minded covered in numbed up emptiness..Then the world around me is dead and all I long for is the feeling to bleed again.Who would ever want someone like me, for anything..Sometimes I wonder why I was born, sure I was premature. One pound and only a few % of a chance to live.But if that was the hardest part in my life.Why do I want to die all over again?Whats living if I cant live?If im mostly alone in my own shadow.Or if I cant feel happy anymore.Why do I only feed myself on suicide.Why does suicide and bleeding sooth me.Kind of makes me wonder, how I got myself in to all those messes the other times in life.Getting the word love mixed up in my mind and body.After that happens, nothing ever feels normal again.Your just dead inside, and nothing else really matters but the pain you feel..So then you start to dwell on it all alone.Refusing to get comfort or love anymore.Since you know you let others down too many times.So you continue your life as the wounded girl thats still alive.Unsure where this new life will take you.You fear every step it gives you.New or old.Choosing the options between love and suicide..Holding back down the truth that cant be heard.Only to save yourself from more rejection.I know now Im not meant to be helped.But wanting it and needed it is what kills me.Ill only be thought of more as weak and wanting attention.But Im too scared to really end my life.But life hurts too much I sometimes think of wanting to.So all I can do is feel it.Take it all in.And just see where it takes me.Something no one can comprehend.Suicidal tendencies.Pushing others away always.All because of me.So why be in this world.If I only manage to hurt the ones I need or love.Why try to be happy if I cant be.Why try to find love if I know Ill mess it up.Having all thisMakes life so dead.Why cant hurting yourself be living.Im not understood by anyone how it all feels to me.The point about living.And how it pushes me to the peak of my sanity.If I didnt have a person I loved dearly about.Id be attempting suicide countless times by now.But since every time I think of ending itShe comes in to my mind.And then my heart.And she helps me stop.Prevents me from taking my life.I listen to her.Knowing myself that I cant leave her side.So I fight off the pain.I wonder if all the fighting is worth it.I never knew life and living in it can feel this unbarable.Maybe Im needy for a reason.Because Im needy I dont take my life.Because of the other person I love.And because I care too much about her.But then the fear of losing her returns....
01Feb
- A Shattered Heart
  When Im lost in myself.When my world splits in two Or when its nothing but free fall.I cant feel who I really am.If I should stay alive or take my life.Its something Im trying to comprehend.But all I feel is the echos of my heart telling meTo take the knife.Drag it across my skin oh so beautifully.And sense all the feelings Im dying to feel.They will never understand me.Im in a untouchable state of mind.Im having fantasies in my mind of pure sweet death.A feeling no one else can compromise.The surface of me fears Ill never be loved trulyFor the way that I am.But the depths of my heart craves love more then death.An unspeakable feeling of mine.
- The `Love` I Gave You..
  My life is in pieces.Shattered all over the floor.This bleeding wont stop.As I let it all come out.I feel it soothing me on the inside.As I wish for it to take me away.So I can never feel this pain of emptiness again.I lay inside myselfCountless thoughts of you.And her.That day and so much more.Its all that I cant bare.That I cant keep tucked away.My hearts about to break again.The stitches are slowly falling apart.And I bleed all over again.Because of you.Because of my stupidity.Because I loved you..