Heartfelt English -11ページ目

Heartfelt English -11ページ目

ホームピグアメブロ

芸能人ブログ人気ブログ

08Oct
- You （自由詩）
  You saw right through methe day we met.And once againI thought to myself If this was going to be another meetingthat I would regret.Although little did I knowthat you were not like the others I've metFor you only showed me generosity and respect.I will never forget the night we sleptyou hold me close to your chestembracing and consoling me as I wept.Your love that you've given me will always be cherished and kept.I never knew that I'd deserve someone like you.I promise youthat I can't be any happier.
22May
- フリーランスの翻訳者としての仕事と将来
  仕事はともかく時々忙しいですがストレスに成るぐらいまでには忙しく有りません。将来はもちろんもっと自分を宣伝しながら、色んなクライアントと出会い、仕事を増やしたいと思っています。英会話の仕事の方はまだ契約はしていますか、仕事は最近無いです、私に取っては、正直に言うと、　この方が幸せです。今はとにかく日本語力、漢字を読む力を上達させたいと思っていますし、まだ知らない日本語の語彙を習いとたいと思っています。曲の詩や漫画の翻訳の仕事にはもちろん興味が有りますが、この職業は専門とされているフィールドだし、コンペティションも高い。普通専門家の翻訳者に成れなくてもフリーランスの翻訳者として働けるだけでも嬉しい。今はともかく、noviceの翻訳者として色んな翻訳の経験を積み上げたいと思っています。
20Apr
- Implode
  I hear the water As I stand in the shower I feel the water running down my hair.My anxiety starts to subside.Suddenly the light goes out.Darkness envelopes my thoughts.I hear the shower door slide openI see his shadowLarge figure looming toward me. Well aware of what he is about to do to me.He tells me to face awayTowards the wallI doSlowlyMy heart skips a few beats.Time stopsAnd I feel like I've died.He touches me in ways I never wanted him to.I didn't ask for this.I didn't want him touching me.I could't move.I was paralyzed He told me to not tell motherTo not tell anyone.He threatened meA couple of years laterafter I confronted him.I feel weak and vulnerableAll over again.I'm 17 again,And covered in the first cuts I've sliced in to my skin.Coping with what he did.I keep thinking I should be gratful that he never did it again.ButI can't help feeling trappedEven till this day.I have still kept our secret.I still feel he won this fight.Fear of ruining my loved ones livesHis deadly threatsPrevented me from speaking the truth.It's too late to seek justice.I lost my one chance.I wonderHow much longer can I really stay quiet.And if I do tell them.Would it even matter to them?I know my mother didn't care.I guess it's wishful thinking.I need to continue coping.Not by bleeding this time-But by using the memories and hurt.WriteRead.Learn to be stronger than a person who would shun their loved one from their life.Because he is afraid to see the truth.I will always still love you.But I will take what you've doneTo the grave with me.
11Apr
- Vasovagal Syncope 血管迷走神経性失神
  So, I passed out twice while, and after showing last night. My bf was, luckily, with me, sohe supported me and took care of me the entire time. The nausea was pretty bad, and I was freaking out, (I`m Emetophobic)Anyway, The nausea was there for a few hours or so. But I was out in to bed, on my back, and ate a small bite of cookie and a lot of grapes, and of course water. Richard research what happened to me, since it wasn`t a normal way to faint. I was having seizures as well. So, we know that this may be serious, we read that its common among young, thin, mostly underweight woman. (and I am underweight, and always have been, due to being born premature). I have never weighed 100 pounds in my entire life, and probably never will. But, this isn`t a "glamorous" thing as probably most woman would assume, since I`m prone to fainting by certain triggers, like heat.So, we figured out, I just need to be really mindful of showering, I wont shower in hot water anymore, maybe just lukewarm. But If I feel like having a hot bath or something, I`d have to drink a few glasses of water beforehand. I`m truly grateful to have such a wonderful, caring boyfriend at my side.He was extremely worried that he`d lost me last night, due to the seizures and trembling after the fainting episodes. (which we found out is called "vasovagal syncope")We will go to the hospital next week, on Monday, and maybe do a few crucial tests to diagnose this disorder, like "the tipping table" test.I only hope we can find a bilingual cardiac specialist. Although, I`m not sure what dr. I need to see to have "vasovagal syncope" diagnosed, so at the moment, I`m a bit lost.
15Mar
- The Fragile Within
  Im still in pain.Im just hiding it all away.Away form them so they cant see.The real me and how weak I can seem.Too afraid to show these colors.I stay inside myself.My shell that shields my bruised and broken core.Im tired of all the months and years Ive wasted.Without saying a word of help because of my fears.Im unsure of my future thats still yet to come.Yet slowly I feel it fading away again from the warm sun.Im lost and alone yet again.Roaming around with a bleeding soul.Crying alone in the body I was in before.That was once all of me.But taken away so carelessly .By his touches and grasp.And in the end his temptation.I still have that fragile self existing inside of me.Like how she did that night alone in the cold stained bed of her own blood.I need help.I need to find it myself.I want care.But Im still in fear.Its ruined my life.Its ruined my personality.He took all of me.Something I can never get back..Someday I will be the one to help others that are in need.
14Mar
- Healing
  Im stil too weak, i moved on, but the was hard as hell to do, and now i feel im back to where i was before... i thought everything will get better once i moved on, but it feels more of a heavy burden on me. My depressions back. and i dont want o describe how it feels at all.. because no one gets it.I need to heal myself, and really know how badly broken i still really am, sure others like family will say im weak and stupid.. but idc anymore, let them think what they want. because im myself, and i know they dont like that.. but idc about that either.. im me.Ill need to start moving on again, im not sure how but emotionally I need to the strength to go on.TO stop this feeling, the depression, and the other past feelings I want to escape from.. i need it to go out of my system for good, or ill never heal.One step at a time, ill do it.
10Mar
- Not Again..
  Wow, I never stayed up till this time in a while.. its almost midnight, in 10 min.And i Just cant fall asleep.. I assumes its bec. the job issue was bothering me, so I applied for a volunteer work at a crisis center. I felt better after so I tried to sleep again, but the feeling came back, something inside was stirring up. So i went on the laptop, and researched sexual assault information and other things related in that category. Then after reading a few things, I felt the reason why I must be oddly disturbed tonight, is because I recently felt Im not over what happened to me yet. And the deeper I thought, the more thoughts I got about my future.Logically thinking, I need to move on for good somehow. But mentally speaking, I know it wont ever really go away, it will come back now and then, and then bother me some more, like it wont leave me alone until Ive fully dealt with it.But i dont know how I can deal with it. I need to move on, and I know im not suppose to give it my full attention.Which only makes me worry, if Ill ever be able to live without its lingering caresses in and throughout my mind and body..Ah, midnight in a few mins. Im seeing Niki tomorrow so I better try getting some rest, since Im getting up at 6am as usual... *sigh*Update again soon *note to self*
- Small Change At Heart(turns to a big motivation)
  Oddly I feel stronger saying this, but I feel I might go down the path of psychology, and be a counselor, and specializing in sexual abuse and (maybe) anxiety. Im still in thoughts about it all.But I feel that my feet are both firmly set on to the ground just thinking about studying psychology and helping others with trauma and its aftermath.But of course, I need to get well first... obviously. But at the same time I feel knowing this etc, and realizing it has made me somewhat stronger then yesterday :)
- A Realization
  Im covering myself up from the incident, using makeup to hide myself.Good or bad, im not sure.But also in way Im using it to lie to others as well as myself. But also using it to move on... Difficult :(People just have to try moving on, its the only way to stay alive.. right?????A site i found that made me think a bit deeper about what happened.( http://www.k-state.edu/counseling/topics/relationships/rape.html#Recovering )I know now just how furstrating and complicated the aftermath of a sexual assault can be.
- Unavoidable Memories
  I know I dont have likes/followers etc that really read this page, overall its not a place for others to look I guess, so its ok. Its mainly for myself.. kind of, where I talk to my heart and vis versa. Today is a day that I remember my past. I feel it heavily on my shoulders.. and Im all numbed up I cant explain it.First off, it bothers me too much feeling others have been through so much worse. On a site Im joined to, one of the members was abused and raped by all her male family members... I cant imagine how messed up that has to make your life be. Overall, I feel what I went through was rape, in the end. Despite me "playing along" with each guy, to fill the personal voids of my own. I didnt asked any of them to take me. And part of me does feel like I was too scared to not act upon what the guy told me to do to him and for him, and I felt like I had to obey what he wanted me to do, or else. So i quietly did everything he wanted, and told me to do for his pleasure... I feel its too privet and shameful to say even in this "personal" site.. like someone will read it, and think "EW what a fuckin slut" (which I still feel that I can be, or am)Its scary how traumatic events can change a person, and his/her life. Maybe Im still scared to talk about my abuse (what I feel it is..). Im scared Ill be judged or seen as weak.Sometimes I wish it never happened, so it wouldnt be such a threat and burden to me.But it did, and I know it did. So why wont it go away now that I moved on..Its driving me crazy literally.Moreover what makes me more upset at myself, is knowing its not a real rape like incident, since the guy was "nice" to me, he lured me in really good.. so I played along. ( I was just really twisted up at that time I guess) Its a feeling thats impossible to describe in words really.. Kind of like a trace from the guys touches... *ew*He got to do everything to me. Oral, Fingering, other things I cant really say... , and using his thing to take me completely. I feel numbed up just remembering. But he didnt stop when I made a obvious noise of fear before he went in.. he just stopped for a second, and looked at me as if I was insane, and then took my virginity.(I still remember after he was finished, he left me on the bed, and he went to go clean up I think.. then suddenly I got flashbacks of my other assault in a train when I was 17, and then I felt something ooze out me me, Im not sure what it really was since it was dark in his room, but I remember that feeling made me shake badly and cry.) But in a way it took me out of survival mode, but I was still crying and shaking like hell.. And how the guy came back, and he saw my state, and said "Aw fuck Im so sorry... I fucked up", repeatedly and he tried comforting me, but I moved back away the best I could despite my shaking, and he just went to sleep. Was it rape? Or was it just a stupid thing I got myself in to.I know its mainly all MY fault, since Im the one that went to his house. And was too scared to say anything..Assuming I had to do things or else.. As well as the crazy side of me playing along... Im such a slut........ I knew I shouldnt play along, but I felt so loved by his touches, disgustingly, and how he.. showed me "his way of helping me". I was stupid thinking he can help me.. He knew about my cutting and ED, all the guys did,obviously.. and just because of that I assumed they would help... as friends. I couldnt find help from my family.. so I went to the guys.. I was stupid.And I feel even more stupid for letting this "not rape" like incident that I put myself through distract me so often everyday.. its been 2 years now, Im suppose to be ok... but Im really just hoping everything will be ok someday.Ill never forget the feeling he made me experience when he literally ripped my life in to shards of glass. I think thats the moment I felt I had two sides inside myself. The feelings that got me back then, and while it was happening. And the feelings I have now, living life after what happened.A big part of me wants to help others that have also been hurt. But I wonder if its because its what Im seeking deep down as well, getting comfort and support. :(I deny it, and think I need to have gone through worse, to get that kind of support and care, when deep down, I wish I had it. But then I feel more weak and messed up for wanting help even if what happened might have not been rape. Im not sure what it is anymore, Im so confused, yet I feel I was violated in a way. If what happened wasnt so bad, why do I feel it completely changed my view on certain things about life. Yet here I am moving on.