Anger as a Source of Power
Life never seems to be easy for me, and I've been going through a difficult time again. Sometimes it makes me so angry when I think about it, e.g. why am I not lucky enough to possess the happiness I deserve, why am I not treated well as other girls do, etc.Luckily, though, the decisions I've made every time I got angry are not bad at all. From the beginning, in grad school back in New York, I was angry why my life was so dull. So I picked up piano, and am now able to play a lot of beautiful music pieces that have haunted my childhood.Then, I was angry why New York was such a stupid place where people value money and power way more than intelligence. I hated New York, and decided to move back to California -- even though at that time I had no job offer in California at all.Recently, I was angry why Thomas would not spend time with me during Christmas break. In order to have an interesting holiday on my own, I purchased water soluble color pencils and coloring books. I am eager to perfect my drawing skills, and am looking forward to making a stunningly-beautiful poster for the logic workshop (this is the 5th year!) in June 2016.I was angry that people around me all have some kind of physical exercise to work on. I was angry as I feel my body getting weaker and weaker as I age. Then I signed up for a rock climbing class, and am now a confident and proficient climber admired by my classmates.I was angry when I saw my friend working till midnight throughout the Christmas break, whereas my 9-5 research job didn't ask me to do anything. I felt that professionally, I wasn't as needed as my friend was. As a result, I emailed the tutoring company nearby and will start working as a math tutor next week. I am happy to earn an extra $2000 each month, and even happier to gain the teaching experience that will, perhaps, benefits my future career. This week, I was angry because Thomas is going to a musical event this weekend and never thought of bringing me. To be honest, this makes me angrier than the informal "break-up" did -- when your close friend isn't willing to share the fun, it feels even worse than not willing to commit to a romantic relationship with you. But then I thought, "why do I have to wait for him to share the fun? Can't I look for fun on my own?" As a result, I ordered two magazines, National Geographic and Discovery, from online, and am looking forward to reading the exhilarating articles and pictures. I am also planning to go to the aquarium tomorrow. The only way to quickly recover from illness is to take a long walk, and breathe the nice air. Indeed, the essence of anger is the dissatisfaction directed at oneself. I also agree that the ability to feel anger implies that you've still got some strengths. I get angry pretty easily. Sometimes by the way people treats me, or even just through watching my friends doing their things. But I'm grateful towards all these sources of anger... especially my workaholic friends.I gradually get to realize that anger is a genuine emotion that leads me to where I really want to be. At least for the past year, my decisions made out of anger are gradually making me a better person. For a long time I used to feel guilty for being angry so often. In particular, a girl "should be" a gentle, graceful, not-grumpy-at-all image and therefore, a lovely girl simply "shouldn't be" angry. Now I don't believe in this anymore. Feeling angry isn't really a bad thing (although, feeling guilty actually is).Till this moment I am still walking on this planet with pain, toil, and anger. But I can also feel something slowly growing in me.Anger doesn't destroy you; it pushes you forward.
