Experience is the best teacher.

Truth is, I don’t have my shit together one hundred and one percent of the time. There are days that everything might seem like I have everything perfectly, but there are also days that nothing works out in my favor, at all.
Every single day, chances are, I will make even a simple mistake and mess up and think that I have failed in life. Yes, even the least complex problems get the best of me sometimes.
You see, my life is not perfect. I am not perfect.
But the amazing thing is, we are all built to learn from the mistakes we make, despite how big or small they are. We are all meant to progress and develop into something bigger and brighter through all the challenges we face day by day. The best thing about falling down is the ability to stand back up. These experiences, lessons, our resilience & little triumphs, defines us. It’s all bout the little things.
"Remember, experience is the best teacher, for it gives you the test first, then the lesson."

Because love is not enough.

Love is just like a burning flame, like the fire coming out of a Bunsen burner. If we did every step in the protocol correctly, we would have been able to successfully do a combustion reaction experiment. But if done carelessly, we would have failed and do something reckless like burn the whole Chemistry lab and destroy everything. So much for love, right? It can be good and it can be bad.
Sometimes, being with some people is a great challenge. Yet, you don’t want to quit without giving it a good fight. I mean, when Kaepernick threw that pick-six in the beginning of the first quarter against Green Bay, we didn’t throw him under the bus. Shit, I didn’t leave the stands back in ’10 when the Niners couldn’t even score against the Buccaneers. No one appreciates a fair-weather fan. As soon as someone rocks the boat, do we make the effort to stabilize it or just bail? So much like the start of every relationship. You don’t just give up that easily. You find some ways, somehow to adjust to this new stage in life.
But sometimes, no matter how hard we try, there’s got to be a point where we realize that enough is enough. There’s a fine line between fighting for someone and just simply fighting without a cause. And sad to say that most of the time, it is the latter. It’s heartbreaking because by the time you figure that out, you’ve wasted a certain amount of time you wish you could get back. Let’s face it, we can’t. So much for wanting love, huh? Well, that’s life. But do you ever look back and wondered why things went wrong? Of course. We’re human and thinking critically is a natural thing to do. And there are a million and one reasons why we wish we stayed, but then, there’s also a million and two why we didn’t (or shouldn’t).
When we fall for someone, I feel like at times, we forget that we are lovely, we are beautiful and handsome, that we are brilliant and intelligent, that we are respectable and so much more. I think we become too reliant of our significant others to remind us that we are all of these things, when we should have a good understanding of who we are and what we are made of. Then, when they start to slip and neglect to make us remember, we are often uncertain of our pride and our self-worth. I once heard the phrase, “First find yourself and then keep yourself.” It’s always a heartbreaking image seeing a friend (or worse, ourselves) lose himself or herself in order to morph into their significant other’s expectations. And usually when that happens, they are a complete stranger to us, and worse, to their own self.
The older I get, the more I realize that everyone will have a past. We will never be their first kiss, the first person they say, “I love you” to, the first time they’ll introduce to the whole family, the first person that will live in the same roof, and so much other first times. And frankly, that’s perfectly okay. We’ve all been there and we’ve all done that, and there’s nothing we can do to change anyone’s life before we even walked in. All we can really ask for is for that person to accept that about us, and for us to look past their past.
Nobody is perfect because life is all about the trials and errors. The more relationships we get, the clearer we understand that perfection isn’t something we can expect from others, as well as something that should not be expected from us. Given that, however, it is still essential to have standards. At this point, I’ve realized it’s so much more than the physical attributes, how much they make, how many men or women he could have chosen, but you came out on top, or that you’re the “main” one. These are things that we now must put in the back seat and focus more on the substantial and significant things like – having goals, being hardworking, honesty and loyalty, being family oriented and even being able to take care of himself and keeping himself clean and healthy. Plus, why must we settle for being the main one? When we should be the only one. I am constantly reminded by my mother that if I do not see being married to this certain someone in the future, I shouldn’t invest anymore time and emotion because clearly, the clock is ticking and time is slipping away. I guess what she’s trying to say is that we can’t waste any more time pleasing and dragging relationships with the wrong people.
When trust is an issue, love can never live in the same home. We’ve all been cheated and lied to, sometimes, we’ve also cheated and lied to others. Being in love with someone who blatantly lies to you can make you feel like a crazy person, even if your whole life, you’ve never acted that way. Any time the phone vibrates or any phone call in the middle of the night will always remind you of that moment you found out he or she is making a fool out of you. And no matter how many times they get down on their knees, beg for forgiveness and convince you they have changed, you’re in it for another blow in the second round. Even worse, there’s a chance he or she won’t trust you either and will do everything to make you feel as if you’re the one who’s doing something wrong.
“Don’t hate the player, change the game.” I beg to differ. Stop. Playing. Games. Every woman wants to be called the “game changer.” But why do we have to work that hard into forming him into someone ideal for us? Changing for someone is one thing. Changing anyone is another. It never ends how it’s supposed to in movies. We usually just end up hating each other for it.
Lastly, love is not enough. It’s already given that we “love” this person. But love should not be the only factor and reason why we are with this person, especially when the love for our own self is in jeopardy. A relationship is always a two way street. Remember, it’s complementary, not supplementary. We should never need someone to fill the void in our lives and we should be happy with ourselves before we can ever share that happiness with another person. No man or woman is worth questioning your value and no one has the right to make you feel less of yourself and that you are not enough. With ever heartache and every heart break, we must learn the lesson and move on. Trust me, it gets easier and easier everyday. The best person that’ll love you is yourself. And there’s no other person that will understand and love you unconditionally.
If you are having uncertainties in your relationship and the only motivation for holding on is “because I love him or her,” then, it’s time to leave. Sadly, love is not enough, so please hold the door open for me, ‘cause it’s the last thing I’ll ever ask from you.

Colorgenics.

You are feeling exhausted, worn out, drained. You feel that far too much is being asked of you but you still want to overcome these difficulties and establish yourself despite the effect such an effort seems to have on you. You are a proud person, assertive most of the time, but at this particular moment you are acting as if you have become resigned to the situation. What you need is some tender loving care - a gentle pat on the head (or maybe a ‘kick-up-the backside’) and then you’ll be raring to go.
You are looking for something different. Your imagination has been working overtime and you are seeking adventure - and you’d like to share that adventure, the new experience, with someone like yourself: Imaginative, Enthusiastic and Sensitive.
Everyone, sooner or later gets that feeling that one has been cut off from reality, cut off from everything that’s going on around them. It usually happens when there is a complete lack of understanding and co-operation - be it from friends, family or loved ones. So what can one do about it? Instead of pondering as to what the future may hold, do something different. Make a cup of coffee. Have a shower. Read a book. Watch your favourite soap opera. Because as soon as you become involved in something different, the original disassociated feelings will dissipate.
You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.
You are trying to build up your own position and you resist all external influences. You insist that you are your own person and you will not tolerate any outside interference. Decisive and proud, you are true managerial material.

Just a thought March 2014.

When you are truly in love, you go to great lengths to be with the one you love. You’ll drive for hours to be together, even if it’s only for a short while. You don’t mind staying up late to talk. Walking in the rain is romantic, not annoying. You’ll willingly spend a small fortune on the one you’re crazy about. When you are apart from each other, it’s painful, even miserable. He or she is all you think about, you jump at any chance to be together.

Never promise.

People walk in and out of our lives every single day. Sometimes, it’s a matter of brushing up against his or her shoulder while you find an open seat on a train back home. Sometimes, they are the barista that made your daily White Chocolate Mocha that morning before your 8 AM class. Sometimes, it’s a person who is sitting two rows behind you at the lecture hall that you made a quick eye contact with as you look around for a friend.
All these connections, all these interactions, yet, how do you know that they aren't a significant part of our life? It may not be that exact moment or time, or perhaps, you may think they aren't meant to leave any sort of mark in your journey in life altogether. But how do you know what they are yet to become?
Was it a just a mere eye contact? Was it just a simple “Thank you” that you said under your breath as he or she held the elevator door for you? Was it someone who helped you pick up your Microbiology book from the ground, as you walk by him or her, accidentally dropping your things as you rush into your next class that’ll start in 10 minutes?
Sometimes, people come to our lives when we least expect it. It’s crazy because sometimes, it’ll just dawn to us that they will play a bigger role than someone catching the same train home or someone who works part time at Starbucks. It always seems to be more than that. There appears to have a bigger picture we have yet to discover.
At times, people come to our lives and we know right away they are meant to be there. They serve a great purpose to our existence. They help us grow and flourish into the very person we are here today, and to the person we are yet to be. They are the reminders of how beautiful and amazing life is, just as they are the reminders that inevitable challenges and difficulties are possible to overcome.
They help us identify the person we want to be and shape us into the person we want to become. They help us remember how strong our hearts are by being the same people who continually cultivate it with love and make it resilient by breaking it and mending it.
Without them and the tests they have presented to us, our life leads us straight to a smoothly surfaced road with no roadblocks and obstructions, harmless and comfortable, yet we fail to learn our lessons along the way.
People walk in and out of our lives every single day. Sometimes, it’s a matter of saying, “Excuse Me”, as we sneeze and hear a “Bless you” from a complete stranger. Sometimes, the connections could happen in between those “Peace be with you” at church on Sunday. There’s really no way of telling that these people would leave footprints in our life or not. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t.
However, with the ones that do, we need to make everyday count. We need to be grateful and appreciative of every given minute and second we have with them because we may never get that chance again. If it’s regretful having a missed connection with a stranger, it’s even more unfortunate and heartbreaking to break a relationship with someone close to you.
Don’t be afraid to fall in love. Don’t be afraid to let down your guard. Don’t be afraid to let people in. People are meant to walk in and out of our lives, might as well leave them with something to remember us by. Give them something amazing. Give them something real.
Remember, tomorrow is never promised. Don’t let your chance slip away.

On the remnants of the past.

Ever come across a time in your life where you listen to an old song on the radio and suddenly, solely one person comes into your mind? Then, little by little, bits and pieces of memories starts to come together, just as the synapses in our brains starts to transmit information from one neuron to another, like, solving a puzzle. And yes, puzzled. Puzzled is how you feel because just as this familiar tune relates to a certain individual, a certain face, this certain being, suddenly, it reminds you about a time you came across a certain, let’s see… A certain scent.
A scent you probably took a quick whiff off of while you were walking slowly at the fragrance section at Macy’s while shopping for a Father’s Day gift. And then suddenly, little by little, bits and pieces of memories starts to come together, once again just like a puzzle. The neurons in our brains suddenly passes those electrical and chemical signals to another cell, that eventually unlocks our memory bank,and here we are, we’re reminded of that certain memory correlated to that certain scent. ‘Cause that scent, just like that song you heard on the radio, brought back some remains of a certain individual, a certain face. This certain being.
Whether he or she is a past lover, a best friend-in-the-past or just about anyone who ever made a footprint in our hearts, no matter where they go, no matter how far they are and no matter how much time we’ve all spent apart, those memories won’t ever really fade. Some things are hard to forget. Some things are easy to be reminded of. There will always be remnants, whether we like it or not.
They say out of sight, out of mind. But just our luck, there are ways and senses that brings back memories in just a heartbeat. Whether these memories are reminders of a blissful recollections or ones that seem like hard pill to swallow every time we encounter them, yet undeniably, we just kinda have to embrace these remembrance of the past.
There are things that will remind us of this certain individual. This certain face. This certain being. Their favorite song. The scent of their perfume. Everything seems to find its way back into our minds. And sometimes, they’re even for our hearts to remember. Maybe, with a really good reason, they’re meant to stay. We’re reminded that at one point of our lives, there once was a certain individual, a certain face, a certain being who made us feel the way words can’t even explain. And now, they’re merely remnants of the past.

Just a thought February 2014.

Lost, but found. I keep wondering why the feelings residing within cannot be any more ambiguous. I wish they were more explicit. I wish my mind can just walk down my veins and pinpoint precisely what my heart desire, much like an x marks the spot on a map. There’s a million different pieces scattered around, emotions I can barely even make out of, or if it’s even part of a puzzle. Nor can I even distinguish if there’s even a picture to uncover. Sudden fleet of clarity come rushing over, yet, much like the particles of sand on a beach, moments of certainty gets washed away and replaced by even more bits and pieces of obscure feelings and perception. I feel high. I feel low. The conflict between the two confuses me. Then I see pitch black and feel nothing. I never seem to meet a middle ground. I’ve lost every sense and recognition of balance and stability. Sometimes, I ask, what’s wrong with me? And other times, I am perfectly fine with not knowing. Lost, but I have no desires to be found.
At least for now.

Staying, even when love doesn't.

A few weeks ago, I have received an anonymous question that asked, “How can you tell if you’re in love with someone or if you’re just used to him or her?” My first thought? Well, shit.
I sat on this question for a while. In fact to this very day, I still do not know how to answer without evaluating my own credibility of making an attempt to respond. However, today, I thought about a “follow up” question to this particular dilemma.
“What if you stay with somebody you no longer love?”
Love and relationships are two completely different things. There are instances where two people are in love; yet, it’s without being labeled “In a relationship”. And on the other side of the spectrum, there’s a thing called - relationship without love (or maybe, not love just yet).
When you do find both and they do coexist, then you’ve got the perfect recipe. It might seem hard to find that, but the more and more relationships I’ve gotten into over the years, I realized, finding that is a lot easier than keeping that. Or at least what we thought was love.
But, what happens when we stay with somebody we fell out of love with?
As soon as you question your love for your significant other, it’s declaring a war, a battle between your heart and your mind. We stay with the people we are with because of many reasons.
From reasons being long years of history, or sharing a custody of your guy’s freaking toy poodle or even having to deal with “how are we going to split this TV”, breaking up is never an easy thing to go through. You think about all the pictures you have to delete, or worse, the ones you have to take down from your nightstand. You worry about the next time you run into his mom, or his aunt, or his uncle at Costco and dread the upcoming conversation and questions as to why you haven’t been around for the longest time. And that’s not everything. That’s just the gist of it.
Sometimes, you’ve been together for so long that each and every little thing just reminds you of him, good or bad. The relationship you are about to let go of is already instilled in every fiber of your being and in every little thing is infused in your environment one way or another.
But you can’t stay with someone you no longer love. It’s unfair to him, just as it’s unfair to you. You are depriving each other of something both of you deserve. If you stay with somebody you don’t love, you end up hating your situation. You end up being bitter towards them. And what’s worse than all of that? You start resenting yourself for not breaking up with them while it was early.
There’s nothing wrong with trying to make right out of the wrong things. But there’s also nothing right in forcing yourself in a love-less relationship. You deserve to be happy. He deserves to be happy. There’s no reason for two people, who both aren’t in love, be in a miserable relationship. That’s not what love is about. And there’s nothing reasonable for making him feel as if you are still there one hundred if you aren’t. Everyone deserves so much more than that.
Sometimes, we just need to realize that there are things that are meant to let go of. We need to acknowledge that some things aren’t for us. Remember, “Letting go doesn’t always mean you are giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that aren’t meant to be”.

Wanting and being wanted.

Sometimes, it’s so hard to be the one that wants. ‘Cause even though time and time again, you convince yourself you don’t want them, you do. Every single bone in your body conveys you otherwise. ‘Cause even though you tell yourself a million and a half times that you aren’t meant to be, you still spend a million and a half hours scrutinizing the possibility. ‘Cause even though you know how much they’re having the time of their life, with somebody that they’re genuinely happy with, you can’t help but think to be in that significant other’s position. How lucky. How blessed. And just how perfect it would have been if it was you they’re sharing that blissful life with.
But damn, it is just so damn hard to be the one that wants. ‘Cause you thrive on every possibility of ever getting their attention. One look, that’s all you really need. But sometimes, even one look is a long shot. Oh, you they’re moving in together? You can’t help but be happy. You can’t deny that seeing the one you want, getting what they want is somehow, somewhat rewarding. You’re happy, sincerely. From the outside looking in, it’s still hard to be the one that wants.
Sometimes, it’s so hard to be the one that’s wanted. Maybe ‘cause the one who wants you is not the person that you want, or maybe, just maybe because you can’t wrap the idea of somebody wanting you. It’s hard to be the one that’s wanted because when they do, you almost always are happy (or happy enough) with somebody else, that kind of wanted and now, got you. Sometimes it’s hard to be the one that’s wanted, ‘cause seeing the one who wants you as they watch far away, hoping you’re happy, seeing you happy and wishing they’re they one who’s the reason for that.
Damn it, it’s hard to be the one that’s wanted because sometimes, you can’t help but notice them just watching from the sidelines, hopeless, disheartened and there’s nothing you could really do about it. Sometimes, it’s so hard to be the one that’s wanted, because you know exactly how wanting somebody who doesn’t want you feels. And they can’t help it but congratulate you when the one you’re with, finally proposed with an engagement ring. Sincerely, but heart breaking, they say they’re happy. But there’s nothing you could do or say to the one who wants you. From the outside looking in, it’s just as hard to be the one who’s wanted.
Sometimes, you’re the one who wants, and they don’t want you. And sometimes, you’re wanted by somebody you don’t. It’s hard. But what can you do?

Well, today is not that day.

There are certain mornings when I wake up, look over to other side of the bed and see the break of sunlight as it protrude right in between the blinds. I stop for a moment and think,“Good morning, Sunshine”. And so, I grab my eye glasses on my nightstand, fish for my iPhone which I later find stuck somewhere underneath one of my three pillows, I thank God for another day.
As I check for messages, I smile, and realize how precious life is and how much happiness people around me bring and how lucky I have to have everything I do. Right here. Right now. And as I get ready to start my day, I think about how blessed I am to have another opportunity to bring about yet another meaningful chapter in my book.
But not everyday is that day.
I often think about the friends I have left and the ones that had left me. I often think about the strangers I’ve grown to become families with, and people whom I once called my family, then eventually turned into strangers. I contemplate as to when each and every one of us got too busy doing just about our own things and living our own lives, and keeping in touch with each other just seemed to fall in between the cracks, like it was the hardest thing to do in this world.
Sometimes, I just want to pick up the phone and dial a number, or type up a quick text, or write a short e-mail but nevertheless, something is always getting in the way. Something always comes up. Something makes it almost impossible to do so. I think about the days I can finally let my pride out of the way, make the effort to initiate something, but today, well, today is not that day.
And so, as I continue to lay my head down on my pillow, I find myself still staring at the ceiling. I don’t want to get up. I still feel tired and listless and somehow, a little apathetic. But I lie. Why? It can’t really be apathy for there are still these random thoughts that continue racing in my head. These thoughts still linger, and no matter how much I try to deny it, I still care.
I feel so… overwhelmed; as if all these varied emotions are bottled up inside and I can’t explain. I want to scream but my throat won’t let me. I want to cry but I can’t weep. My voice is choked up inside. My tears won’t fall from my eyes. I just want to let it all out.
And I stop and think, maybe, just maybe, writing can be an outlet for it all. So I start writing it down - my feelings, my questions, and my worries. And without knowing who to send it to, I write a letter. Hoping somebody out there can read it and empathize with what’s imprisoned within me. I am mad. I am sad. I am aggravated.
As I begin to write the seventh page, I stop. I realize this doesn’t even touch the mere surface of the things I want to reveal and disclose. My wrist started hurting but I yet I’ll endure it. I continue inscribing only to find my tears seeping through the paper, erasing some of the words I’d like to uncover.
Even though I know I exerted that much effort and crumpling the papers and tossing them out would be a waste, I still do. ‘Cause I find the least amount of hope in throwing them out, the feelings and emotions I instilled within these seven pieces of paper, would also rid of the same spirits infused within my heart. But the sorrow still lies within me. And yet, I pray for another time when it all goes away, but well, today is not that day.
I look at myself in the mirror and I feel a little confused. I feel a little dumbfounded. I think about the million other things I should be doing and the other thousand places I should be at, but I don’t flinch. I don’t move. I just… stay. I still don’t know where to go. I still don’t know what to do. And while I know I am alone, and while I feel that I am alone, I stare deep into my own eyes and under my breath, I ask, “Who the fuck am I?”
I think about how less I settle for, a lot of times. I know I am capable of something more, something bigger, and something more out of the ordinary. If we were genuinely happy, we wouldn’t really ask for things that can make us happier, right? I would reach a point of satisfaction and contentment. But I don’t, not at all.
They say there’s nothing wrong with wanting more for your self. And there’s nothing sinful about doing something about it. But sometimes, I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to deem inconsiderate. I don’t want to be the woman who’s never going to feel any satisfaction. I don’t want to be ungrateful, nor unappreciative.
And so, I rather stay and deal with the mediocrity, even though at the end of the day, nothing feels rewarding. I am just punishing myself for not pursuing something greater. I think about some life-altering decisions, like apply to Law School, move to New York or even join a health mission abroad. But if you ask if that’s happening today, well, today is not that day.
Oftentimes I get these irrational thoughts in my head. And because the other aspects in my life has been on a downward spiral, all the insecurities and negative judgments are conveyed in other facets of my life, such as love. I start to think that everything seems “too good to be true” and that I will never think I’d reach a point in a relationship where I can make someone happy just as how they make me. So I realize that, and before I can make something great out of anything, I put my guard back up and kill whatever “it” is.
I think about sleeping with a warm body next to me at night, only to find myself waking up to the left side of the bed the next morning, cold and empty. I start to wonder why people fall so deep in love with each other, only to fall out of it faster. And I know in time, it will get better. I will get better. I know sooner or later, love will get stronger. However, yet, in the back of my head, we both deserve only the best. And who really knows what “best” really ever means?
So today, I made a decision to take a chance. Could it be out of loneliness? Maybe. Could it be the perfect time? Perhaps. But here I am, willing to take another shot at it, to make something out of it. I’ve made up my mind to start something new, something fresh. At least something! But I stop yet again. Think, yet again. Well, today is not that day.
There are more times than often when I feel as if I am far too egocentric. I think about how many other major problems the whole world is experiencing and the ordeal, the nightmare I am undergoing is very microscopic to say the least. So then, I start to feel inconsiderate, thoughtless and insensitive for letting these feelings and emotions consume my well being. And here I am, I just want to keep quiet, but that will never be enough. I want to cry out, but that still won’t be enough. I want to bury my face in the pillow so I can scream at the top of my lungs, but it will never ever be enough.
I ask God for refuge, but I feel as if I only call out to Him in times of need, so I apologize. And so I stop asking for salvation due to shame. I feel less and less of myself each and every time. I start to question when and where I could start changing my life around. I start to wonder why we live in a world full of fictitious stories and fairytales with “forever happily ever afters”, when knowing the fact that happiness is never a promise. But yet, I still put my least amount of trust it’s going to come my way one-way or another. Maybe one day. But today? Today is not that day.
Nevertheless, perhaps tomorrow is.