old times that come across my mind

I saw some pictures of my ex bf with his new gf. Although I am soooooo in love with my bf and can't think of anyone else, my ex bf was my first real love and I don't think anyone can replace what we had.

We broke up for a reason but it was not because either of us lost a feeling toward us. We loved each other lots and still we had to break up. I know it was for the best now, but it was the most heart breaking thing to me at that time. It took a loooooooong time for me to move on...actually until I met my honey :)

But the thing is it hurt whenI saw the pictures or read him saying he loved her. I mean I knew he got a gf but it was different somehow. WHY? It is not like I am sad or mad or anything. It's just so wierd...to realize he is not the person I knew anymore. I wonder if he felt the pain when he found out that I had a new guy. Sometimes I get so scared to think if I have to feel the same or more pain someday again...

Ahh, good old memories. but it IS a past. I have the most amazing, sweetest, and cutest guy now, that's for sure. and I love him the most. I guess that's whats important ay?

My ex and I both deserve to be happy. I am happy for him.

First night out

I had sooooo much fun last night! Some of us started at 5:30 for some reason, and by the time the last one arrived, we were pretty wasted. haha

We had like 4 tequila shots other than beers and stuff. Reminded me of the time we went out in NZ. My roommate and I were always drinking and dancing pretty crazy. Since we don't have anything in common except for the fact we went to the desert island together, I guess that's what makes us closer.

I really had a good time for the first time in Tokyo. Some of us missed their last train, they tried so hard to convince me to stay as well. But I really didn't want to so I just ran sooooo freakin hard and caught the last train back home. Walking in the rain, I thought about how good it was that I always went home with my bf when we went out and were wasted. I missed it.

Anyways, it was such a fun night:)

I gotta go out and have some fun!

I'm going out for the first time today since I came back. They are the friends I went to a desert island for camping with. haha it sounds pretty crazy ay? We really caught octopus with our hands and stuff. We didn't have water much either. Since it was such a hard experience, we are still so tight.

Most of them have been working for quit a long time, hopefully then can give me some advices.

But again, AS IF I am going out for the first time!! I am lame!haha

Speaking of which, my bf is going out tonight, too. He is going to a strip club with his mates. It was the club I wanted to go! There are apparently naked marmaids swimming around. Man, it sounds so much fun. Oh well, next time! I really hope he will have so much fun tonight. He so deserves it. Of course I told him to behave, tho.haha jk

Before that, I will go to school and organize some stuff!

So lost

I wish I had a passion for something. When I think of it, I don't really know if I have one. I guess English has been a passion for me. I know it is nothing I can brag about since everybody does speak English, but anyways I always had a passion for it and worked for it.

Nonetheless, when it comes to a future job, I have no clue whatsover. I mean I've been doing this freakin job hunting but I still don't know what I wanna do. I am always jealous of people who work or try to find a job with a passion. I used to be like that i guess too. I was eager to be an interpreter or a kindergarten teacher.

I actually know what I wanna do. I don't really wanna write it down here but lets just say it is so hard to achieve. It is risky in a way and I am too chicken to admit that it IS actually what i want to do. I will need more education, time, and lot more money. I am so broke right now. I don't want to be dependent on my family anymore. I guess I should just suck it in and work for some random company? It's just not what I want to do now, tho. Am I asking or wanting too much? Life is not so easy enough for me to get what i want?

I really don't know. A part of me is actually dreaming about having a family as well. ( I never imagined or hoped this before, btw) Then I start thinking about my bf again. What are we gonna do? Me working in Japan and him studying or working in somewhere sooo far? How can it work? I mean it might be ridiculous to think about it now but hey still you know...he is a big part of me now.

I wish I had one more year at school to think and figure things out, and do things I will not be able to do when I start working. That's the biggest thing. I just wanna see more options. I still wanna work in the NPO.

Anyways I am not gonna hurry. I have good time, ay. I don't know but I will talk to as much people as possible and hopefully I will gradually figure things out.

Thats my boy

Man, I am so easy.

I just had a great conversation with my bf and I just feel so happy. I talk him what I felt, including some things I was worried about.

He is so good at calming me down.

He was actually a bit down yesterday and I guess thats why I felt so uncertain, too. He said he was sorry about yesterday. I told him that I've trying to keep my head high but it is not easy to be positive when we are not together.

He told me how much he loves me again. He said "Don't doubt it. You mean everything to me."

That made me so happy again

I am going to be with him. I'm not gonna let him go ever.