Happy Thanksgiving!
Ummm, I am so full....as of Friday, 25th of November, at 1apm! >0<
Today was a big eating day!
It started at around 2 pm with my best friends Beth and Melissa.
We had....slices of ham, mashed potatos, gravy source, cherry source, green beans, and stuffing.
To be honest, I didn't like Thanksgiving stuffing, but Melissa's was really tasty. I could have two times. At the end, though, the Keylime pie! It was an excellent! Thanks Melissa!
....then, they dropped me off at Tracey's at 4:30! We were 10 of us. Each of us brought dishes to share. AND, Tracey cooked the deep fried Turkey!!! It was also excellent! It was the best Turkey I have ever had. Very joicey and tender.
Here were what we shared...
-16 lbs Turkey (!)
-Stuffing (beggie and turkish)
-Garlichy mashed potato
-Salad
-Cranberry source
-Pesto pasta
-Oden (!)
-Yams
-Tiramisu
-Apple pie
-Pumpkin pieish?
-Ice cream!
Oh, my gosh....I ate all of these....and they were so delicious. We played games and chat. Ummm, it was nice, comfy day all day. Thank you all!
Alright, I'd better go sleep....huuuu.
...one more thing...he SMSed me again....I am glad he still contacts me, BUT I don't know why he does that....Maybe his gal is with her family for the whole week? OR they are spending all days together for this holiday. That's why he can "afford" playing with his ex? I don't know. What can I say? Nothing. We have nothing but the past. ....hope you are having a good thanksgiving too. I am genki. How about yourself? That's it. That's all we can share. We have nothing, after all. Just enjoy your time and energy spent with her, right?
Men are crazy, aren't they?
On the last Friday, my ex-fiance refused to let me go to "our" apartment (aka: his apartment), and eventually confessed that "she" was in town for the weekend.
About one week back from the Friday, we spent together all night, and had a dinner together the next day. In that afternoon, we hugged, and he confessed, "I still love you. I do." with crying so hardly. I did respond to him, "I still love you too." We had a nice, peaceful dinner, as like one of those nights we spent in the past seven years. After left the resstaurant, we walked a little to his car. While walking, again, he was crying. When we got in his car, he was still crying a little and seemed thinking something. But, he just drove me back to home. We said bye.
Eventually, though, I was told that he would be spending coming all weekends out of town, after the dinner we had on Sunday night. I knew, he would be with her for the whole weekend, because they hadn't met for about two weeks or so.
On Friday, I knew he would be with her, even though he cried so hard and said to me he still love me. So, I felt drained, and wanted this end. I called, and I was going to burn all of our memories together with him before he would hit the road. THEN, he refused me to go to his place. EVENTUALLY, I learned that she would be there already, our home. Isn't it a stupid story? He even said to me, "don't change the address. Come anytime you want." "I don't need anyone to have a relationship, if I do, it is only with you." He said those things with tears....who can believe it is a lie? ANYWAY, he invited her to his place and spent all weekend together. I was again, hurt, destroyed by him, his behavior, his words. I asked him, "You say you don't have a choice. I think you do. It's up to you if you choose to hurt me again or to make her happy. You can even tell her to leave if you want to. But, you don't want. Rather, you want me to hurt." On the Friday, he cried so hard again, so hard. I clarfied with him, this is our ending. This is it. So I asked us to say "good bye" to each other. We did, indeed. AND he chose her. He left.
For the whole weekend, I was crying, my heart was so in pain. I, of course, called him. But he turned his cell off for the whole, entire weekend. Guess what? Yeah, it's so easy to imagine that he didn't want anybody to bother them, their precious time of the three days. Sex olympics. Oh, yeah. I was devastated. I was destroyed.
But, I cannot kill myself, even if I wanted to do so badly in every second of that weekends, every moment....but, human don't die so easily. I know that.
... okay, let me repeat. He told me that he invited his girl to 'our' apartment for the whole weekend. Even he said, 'I won't let any girls to come to the apartment. no one. coz i don't want any relationship. If I do, it is only with you." Even he said, "i still love you. I do. I want us to work out." HA?
...following Monday at 11am....he SMSed me...."****my saying goodbye to u was a lie i ust want you to know that i was thinking about u." ....
AGAIN, he let me know that he invited the girl for the whole weekend. AND He turned off his cell for the entire weekend. Everyone knows, what they were doing for the whole weekend. In fact, before the weekend, about 14 days, they spent on the phone everyday for at least 4 hours. Who cannot be so excited to f**k? HA?
THEN, he sent me a text message he was thinking about me???????????
During the weekend? What a hell is he saying? Totally, he doesn't care about me, sure. Totally, he cares about himself = herself.
I don't understand why he could send me such a message? Just a sympathy? HA? What? Am I so pity?
OF COURSE, I didn't respond...what can I say? Should I ask him "were you thinking about me while fu**ing her for the entire weekend?"
GUESS WHAT?
At 3:00 am of the following day, Tuesday, he again SMSed me..."Oyasumi, ****".....
.....I am just speechless....
He has a girlfriend....and he just keep me hanging....by saying to me some sweet words...he thinks that's enough to keep me available for him all the time. He thinks of me with that value....sucks. Am I so easy? I hope not. That's why I quit, I surrender believing him. I am done. Just good luck on him and her. That's it.
Are mens so crazy? I hope not....well, I guess they are.....
What do ya'll think?
"The Year of Spaghetti"by Haruki Murakami
From the link Matt gave me, www.newyorker.com , I found a fourtunate article, "the year of spaghetti" by Haruki Murakami. I've never read his works in English, but it was intersting and so easy-reading. I would like to read "Hard-boiled Wonderland and the End of the World." I will go and check Borders tomorrow, ;0
I am now more open-minded to explore than before. Thanks to Stephen's decision, I am getting back on who I was before I met him, adventurous, explorer type of person. I miss reading books, catching up musics....going out with friends, very decent people, not just couch-potating or hanging out for nothing all the time. I think he feels the same way. He is now so into Julia, which is good for him, anyway. Good experience to hook up with a white American girl who are usually the "hope" or "wish" for Asian International students to date with, you know? He can gain his control and confidence from being loved by women, not from gaining intellectual knowledge nor cultural essenses and sensitivity.
Anyway, I had a nice, productive in minds, and lovely day. Thank you, Matt!
"Good Night, and Good Luck"
Matt and I went out for a film, "Good Night, and Good Luck" tonight!
Before the 1.5-hour show, we had a curry and pear salad at his place....He is such a great chef! All meals are made from scratch, which I usually do too, from a dressing, and everything! I really admire his style of living!!! Also, the conversation he dailogs are filled with humor and essence of meanings in various ways. I hope I can learn that knock from him....;-)
Anyway, the file is about the CBS broadcaster in 50's, produced by George Clooney. Ed Murrow, the main charactor, played by David Strathairn, accused Senete McCarthy for misleading and mishandling individuals who were claimed as a member of communist groups which transmitted information to the Soviet Union. In the film, Murrow's position is vividly and beautifully illustrated as an outsider and a medium that is driven by social justice/responsibility, integrity, and courage. "Good night, and Good luck" is a phrase that he used at the end of his television show, "See it Now."
I enjoyed very much the film, indeed. The length of the film seemed a little short, but it succeeded to lure my temptation to know more about the further stories. Also, I don't like being retrospective, but American Journalism in maybe 50-70's? attained completion of excellence of Journalism...I mean compared to the current media, which is successful in terms of entartaining, but obviously fails to obtain such digtnity as a medium. Don't you think? Well, it reminds me my Papa, who started his Journalist career as a major newspaper company correspondent and ended as a VP of regional office in news service agency. He were so enthosiasitic about his field work until appointed to a management position. Journalists are after all an employee paid by the owner. You know? Not sure, though, those things that hadn't heard or been publitized to the audience were oval back then, protected by the entire shpare of Politics, Corporate, and Media. Now what? A NHK journalist was arrested for arson....?! Give me a break....? so speechless on that. The whole community of media has lost what it means to be a medium....maybe long long time ago.
As such social respondent as a medium has collapsed, civic reponsibility is thrown to and relys on much individuals of nation.
Okay, it gets too much social and heavy talk...let me stop here....and move on to the next!
Disaster Response: AIDA
Here is our school Twiki page!
Please check this out!
http://www.socialcomputingresearch.net/twiki/bin/view/DisasterResponse/WebHome
It is a part of class activities, and the class is about Rapid Response Informatics. It is basically about how ICT is utlized for disaster management, disaster preparedness and responses.
Go to the site, and creat your account.
Go to "Disaster Response"
There are articles about "Aggregated Information; Decentralized Action" (AIDA)
I wrote one of case analysis, on KatrinaSafe.org.
KatrinaSafe.org is provided by American Red Cross in collaboration with Microsoft.
My current intersts is Corproate Community Relationship, Community Informatics, and Social Network....
I am thinking to write about SAHANA, as well. SAHANA is now an open-source application, depeloped by Sli Lankans, after 2004 Asian Tsunami. SAHANA, in my opinion, represents a true, true nature of ICT use for rapid response. I really admire the person who created, managed, and operated SAHANA!!! I will write about him in the near future. I should!
What I want to do...
....I think I am getting known what I want to do....in terms of my personal development!
1. Enhance my communication with my feeling
I tend to 'expect' and/or 'demand' something out of something, some event, incident, and from someone....I don't do it consciously...of course. Unconscious demand and expectation can destroy next step, further development, and even future. I'd like to control my feeling in response to what I hear, what I have, what I want to do.....
2. Try to know what others think
I do think other's feeling, situation, meanings.....but maybe my focus is not fitted in the circumstances, I guess....
3. Accept without overthinking
No need to think, but CARE!
....ummmm, I sound a little kiddy, but I think this is what I want to do. I want to stretch my feeling, my thoughts, my potentials by exposing myself to more people, more interactions, and more ....
BUT I still love myself so much that I can do those little by little....day by day.....day in day out. right?
Social trust
This article, in my opinion, seems well written....
http://hir.harvard.edu/articles/1319/1/
Multi-cultural environment, cosmopolitanian, political leadership,.....those trick me think of Japanese society....yes, social trust is a publc goods, do we have a public good in such a notion in our environment??? yes that's why I believe in public library development for social capital, trust, and civic engagement! oh yeah!
Aftermath of disaster response
One of classes that I've taken in this semester is called, "Rapid Response Informatics."
We've developed an aggregated information gateway for Hurricane Katrina victims in the Internet for housing relocations (www.stormhousing.org ).
Anyway, I've read academic & research papers and articles. The overall findings in my mind is that the globalization has been the driving factor in our modern civic society, but it kind at the same time stimulated localization as well. I know, it sounds very conflicting phenomena, but that's been happening in economic, social, and corporate environment. (oh well, most of us has realized it a long time ago;-)
Even in the area of Rapid Response, specifically NGOs role in such disruptive situation, contribution of NGOs has apparently enlarged and recognized. Compared to Kobe-Awaji Earthquake in 1995, the power of those outside aid groups has become much larger.
Here is one of article stating this, too. http://harvardir.org/articles/1304/ .
The co-authors are the president (founder) and manager of a DC based NGO.
Happy?
I finally made my action-
I finally moved all my belongings out of his place, our place, yesterday.
In the last minutes, I wanted to see him, his smile, but he didn't let me. He was with her for the whole weekend, even until Monday morning.
So, I left a card, my last card to him, and our home keys. I left them over our picture flames that he kept them on our bookshelf, Billy. I didn't know why he could keep them displayed even though he was dating with someone else. I think, for sure, it doesn't matter at all for him. right?
Anyway, I took those picture flames away from the Billy and left them together with my card and keys.
I left our home. I left there without tears.
I don't know why but I feel so relieved. I finally could let us go, I hope. I no longer need to hang over the goodies, our memories, our past. My friend told me, "I've gotto regain control". I think I am starting to do that. I don't think I will write about us here. This is the last piece of this whole events.
I really thank to my friends, my mom, my dad who keep supporting me, cheering me, caring me, for the whole time. I really appreciate having them in my life.....I am still one of happy girls in the world, ain't I? ^u^
I will go out and get a beer with my friend, Nicole, tonight, too. Last night, another friend invited me for dinner! He is awesome chef, indeed! Thanks for the great meal and chat, Matt! In this weekend, also, Melissa is throwing her big-Bday for her 40's! I can't wait for Saturday. Oh yes, I've gotto gain back my work quality, as well. Yes, I can do it. Why not? YES!
Love to all,
at last...
Sorry but I am invading your privacy that I am actually here at your place without your permission.
I wanted to do this while you are here, or at least to let you know in advance, but I am no longer that brave to call you nor contact you.
I am so scared of you.
I am so afraid of you....
So please forgive me entering your room without you.
Encountering this feeling in my mind, I realize that you never scared me nor I never be afraid of you except our beginning.
Also, I know why....
You asked me whenever I called you even though I was told that we have nothing to talk and you repeated more than ten times saying to me you want to go that why I was doing that to you.....
Because I didn't want you to go, because I didn't want to believe you were gone....especially to someone else.
Because I couldn't let your love and your heart go....especially as seeing you going away and being into the particular girl...
Because you made my life so colorful and happy, I had never scared of you before, until now.
But at last, I am now.
Because of your love, I could do what I wanted to do and made that happened.
How come would it be so easy to let you go?
I wish you were the guy who didn't care his girlfriend's heart and feelings but momentarily cares and shows loving while we were together. Then, it would be much easier for me to let you go now.
But the fact is that you were the best, the most sincere, the most lovely, trustful, and respectful man in the world for me for the whole time we spent together. I'd never doubted about you in that way.
While in Japan before came back here, I could think if you would be happier without me I was willing to support that....but at that time I didn't know you were dating with other girls....then here I am seeing you directly it was really really hard to accept that....
But now, I really know how much you are attracted to her.... so I am happy for you. All I want is you being happy, successful, and cool. Sadly I cannot see you in that way anymore, but you can be like that to her then I am happy for you. I am happy for you that you can find again some one who drives you crazy and want to be cool....yokatta....coz I want you to be cool!
Thank you so much for being with me for so long.
Thank you very much for loving me for that long.
I believe with no doubt that you loved me for the whole time, so did I.
Good bye, *******, my darda...bye bye.