...
The end result is that he is no longer attached to me.
I don't know since when he forced himself taking care of me and being with me. I made him realize that there are girls who will not force him doing anything but love him.
What is love?
John sings -Love is free, Love is feeling, Love is a touch....
How did I love him? I didn't realize how to love him....maybe. I thought I did.....but all I did with my belief of loving him weren't what he wanted me to do.....is that right?
I wanted to support, and to be of his help on what he told me what he wanted to become.....
I didn't mean that's what I wanted him to be. Maybe all things that I thought i was doing for him were ramified into just chunk of my demand....I am sorry for asking you so much, counting on you, and demanding to you. All of his words, behaviors, attitudes, views, etc....been observed since he made his confession convince me that he's been desperately stressed out by living with me!!! I cannot forget how happy he seemed to be when I could come back here in August 2004....He did everything that he could do o make me happy to be back.....he chose a place to live for me, where is convenient for me to go to class, he layout our furniture that we selected (this one is the typical one that I initiated to purchase...), collected and assembled in the past years together....He did everything that he could.....to make me comfortable.....but my way of living after the school started didn't give him any happy and comfy place....instead making him confused, desperate, and pressured on.....I made him change, not that he changed.....I am sorry....I don't think who you are now is not who you are supposed to be.....at least who you are in front of me. I wish I can turn the clock back.....so that you could have been who you were used to even when you were with me....it won't happen...I know that....This could, not this sounds like another demand for him if I say, I always give us a chance whenever you made me wonder why we were together and you always tried to convince me we were gonna work out, why can you give us a chance this time? I know, this is too late to ask.....I wish I could have been with him this summer. There are so many regret coming up to my mind....oh no, please don't do this to me.....
Really, I am not just making this for beauty nor mercy. He was the most lovable, attractive, and smart person....I am sure she can bring you back. As long as he are with me, he cannot be such a person.........I made this whole......I don't think I can blame him on that. It's not because of the fact that he could find her.....I really hope some day I can see him being just as who you are. I need the time.....Please let the time go. please.....
Good bye
I finally could say to him "Good bye".
I should have said that to him a long time ago.....
He keeps his mouth shot, saying "I don't know" in response to my questions...."Do you want me to go?"...."If you care about me still, as you say, you wouldn't leave me feeling sad because of your behavior contacting her everyday but not contacting me at all."
He has been like that since I came back to our place. It's been already 2 months....I still wanted to hope that he would behave as he said. Unfortunately and sadly he didn't. He just played with my feeling....when he feels good for me he is nice. Otherwise, he leaves me being hurt. I should have let myself understand completely at the beginning. But you know, it's not that easy. We spent more than seven years together, sharing every aspect of our process of grow-up and build-up. This is what his decison is at last. He doesn't neet that life any more. Yeah, I don't look back. Yeah, those are beautiful memories of my life. It is a part of my history, no longer my life, however. Thank you Stephen. Thank you for everything you have done for me. The end has been really hursh and sad, but I will turn that out to be our new life. Right? He still says I will call you later, I will talk to you later.....As his past prooves, it won't happen. I won't make that happen, neither. Good bye, my darlin. I loved you so much and I loved how we have been until the time you realized this is unneccesary for your life. Thank you, my dardlin Good bye. :-D
My intuition
Oh my gush, my intuition is so shrewd!!!!
It was miserable but I did it. I fought over his cp and took it from him. I checked them....I checked his call log records.....He called two girls...one is called, "drinking body" (silly!), and the other is called "history" (damn!).
He called her, the young lovely girl (I presume. He loves that kind of innocent look and mind girl, otherwise he wouldn't start hooking up with her). He spent sufficient time with her over the phone to fulfill the time they couldn't contact for 5 days? (he said he didn't contact her for a week! He doesn't realize what he is telling me, don't you think?), and SMSed her after they hang up.....probably. "sweet dreams" maybe "missed you" maybe. Even she called him twice this morning.....which I used to do even we spent the morning together....just say Itterashai on the way driving to wake him up before the work. His SMS or last word on their conversation let her do it, didn't it?
But he still says to me like, "give me kiss"! I answered him back, "ask K***!" He still BSs to me.
Does he just want me to be suffering and be so crazily jealous? He just wants to keep me hanging, waiting for him, begging him to be back....is this what you feel satisfied? Are you satisfied? Answer me!!!!!
Help me, help me, help me forget him.....help me be happy with what I am doing without him.....I want him to go away and disappear from my mind and world......Please help me. Please. Please. Please. Please help me.....
Time will tell
....I know, but I just cann't let my time tell....Yeah, this time of being in my life has definete meaning, it should. So I don't think this is wasting my time and energy. The sad thing or things that bugs me is that I don't know why and what the results are. Maybe there are no whys and answers. This is what I need to learn from this, probably. He hates my whys....while I hate his "I don't know"
....Yesterday, I was with him....eventually. But he wasn't the one I used to be with. He is completely anonymous....Behavior proves everything, doesn't it? Words can contain deception but behavior is filled with everything. His words, his behavior, his phonecalls, his tears, his voice......I don't want to think about us anymore....I want them to go away and fade away from my life. I want them to be just beatiful memories of seven years. Yes, here again, I make my resolution. I will not contact him, no talk on the phone, no nononoononononono!!!
Falling into "everlasting perdition"
What am I doing?
Who am I?
What am I doing???
Again, I've lost control over my emotion....It seems to me there is a door opening for me to fall into everlasting perdition.....No, no, no, I won't go there. I have my self-esteem, my pride, myself....Com'n, get it back. Where is my resolution? I was really stupid and dull. His words are no trustworthy, no credibility. Didn't I know that enough??? Didn't he teach me enough??? Again, I believed what he said. Then, it ended a lie....It has no meaning, but just a coming-out s***! He taught me enough, right? How stupid am I?
He is not the one I knew....I mean, who he is that I though I knew doesn't exist anyway. Who he is is the same person as the one I know, BUT the person wasn't himself, indeed. I really didn't know him. I really didn't know he is this kind of human being. Just I feel upset myself being stupidly blind and innocently tricked to think so for seven years!!!! But the truth is that I was happy, he made me the happiest girl in the world. On the flip side, though, his behavior have made me suffer. My suffering has made me fall into the hell.....everlasting perdition.
I won't go there yet. I can control my feet....I can turn around and find other direction for my own happiness. Yes, I am strong. I can do this. I can, why not?
I love him, yes I accept that. Maybe my love towards him and his behavior has been reshaped....despite the fact that I love him. I kinda have started seeing his of real......His capability, his accountability, his potentiality, ....etc....which is a good sign of "control" status in my heart.....don't you think so? I can do this. I can get it resolved...for my own future and happiness.
Disappointment
Eventually, we talked over the phone last night about 2 hours....
Things that he said to me stuck me thinging....
"You should have more confidence".....
It hurts me....
.....he doesn't know the cause of my loss of confidence....does he?....
I met a girl sleeping on our couch after he and the girl spent all night for drinking.....
I am not a racist nor I do not make a judgement on a person by looking, BUT....she doesn't look very attractive even to be a friend.....She barely spoke to me, I mean, responded to my greeting. Yeah, that's maybe understandable in such an ackward situation, but as an adult, if she is, we should behave properly regardless. Anyway, she is a part of what he chose over me and our relationship.....in other others, I am no means of existance for him for now, but she is for him.....How can I obtain my confidence? I thought I was the happiest girl in the world, which he made me think so, then I am here now. She is a part of what he wanted even though he destroyed all of things we have developed in seven years. This is really harsh....this is, absolutely. Disappointment....he disappointed me, but who cares? right? He doesn't.....he is happy being free from his responsibility.....
I did it....
Oh my gush,
I did it.
I broke my resolution....it lasted only 48 hours or less??? Damn!
I called him....
Well, I had a reason.....
But, at the first place, he didn't pick it up.
So...I called again...two sec later....then he picked it up....
I told him what I needed, then he couldn't make that call......
He told me that he was busy with "friends" - "drinking body" - ....
It must be J or K....or someone else...
I lost my temper so my voice was kinda rigorous....he just said "alright"
After the talk, I felt bad....I regretted I called.....I feel that this is what he didn't want....Like when I am working/studying all alone, I felt lonely even if we were together but he was doing something else not physically together with me....I was always jealous on him not being with me. I wanted him to be with me.....so bad. yeah, I understand why he left me. :(
Then....I SMSed him saying that why I called you actually and apologized.
.....2 hours later....I felt really bad that he would be with those girls....
I called him again....(stupid!)....he again didn't pick it up at first place but did it at second.....
He was just like him, asking me how I was.....so we had a little chat.....He even told me he wasn't with K.....He said where he was.....in response to my question, though.....then we hang up.....
I wish this is happening as we were together....I could improve myself....gradually with being together with him.....dar, I wish you / we could have done this while we loved each other.......I should have let you do this a long long time ago.....I was really bad......My desire and jealousy was too tight and too demanding....but he tried his best to respond me.....so this is what I am deserved....the fact that he left me, he enjoys hooking up girls at bar, clubs, wherever.
My good friend said, he is now at "collection stage," where a spider net from his palm is spreading to girls whoever available to him.....he just needs them....to satisfy and to be recognized as a man......Also even he said, "he seems want to fall....I don't know him but he seems really want to fall. He should do it without hurting anyone, especially you(myself) who spend more than seven years...."
He is right, what he said about him sounds right too. At the same time, I feel my existence is less worth for him being, rather hanging out with girls who are casual, easy, and just enjoy being "hooked", are worthwhile to spend with, you know? He chose them over me spending those years together....he chose them over what we have built together in all days of seven years.....
I don't think we would get back together. I don't think he would come back and say to be together again. I know that. But just a thought came up that I wished we could have improved our relationship to another level or sphere where we could enjoy being themselves without hurting each other. I wish we could have that time together.......Don't you think, dar?
AGAIN, I will retain my resolution. BESIDES, I have to get things resolved between us. I need to get things back from him....TO DO SO, I need to contact him sooner or later. I know otherwise he would just leave them as of. Yeah, he even said he would take care of "it", he forgot it or ignored it, anyway. Unless I speak it up to him, he wouldn't do it. That's an evidence and proof that he no longer cares me or our relationship. I will not be surprised by his such behavior. Coz I know, he don't love me or he doesn't see me as a person who he spent all of his energy and love for more than seven years. My existence in that way is gone from his mind and life.
I should be okay.
My resolution
After all, I have been depending on him. I have been pushing myself on to him.....I just couldn't help myself being with him regardless. Even though I knew if I wanted us to back I should have left him as early as possible. That's why I moved out, started my own new life, registered 21 credits of classes, started my research,.....BUT all turned out to be just dead. Then, my mental and emotions got collapsed....eventually, I begged him, I demended him to be with me.
I finally cried out in front of him....he let me cry. I tried to be smiling to him all the time since we were separated. But he knew that I was pushing myself so hard to do so.
Then, I remember what I have thought about him and what I have done wrong. I was too, so emotional lately that I forgot about the most important thoughts that I developed. Yes, what I want is him being happy....As long as he is happy, then I should be happy too. That's what he have done for me in the entire years of ours. I really should let him go and let us free from us. I will cry but not for wanting him. I will cry for what I have done wrong. Of course, I will miss him, and my feeling towards our memory and time will never go away. I will keep them. I will.
From today, let me clear myself by giving my resolution. I will NOT contact him nor meet him. At least for the next couple days, the next seven days. Of couse, it MUST be 24/7. Just try. Just try my best to make that happen. I am sure, though, he will never contact me again. But forget about what he thinks and what he will do. Just think of myself. Just me. I can do it. I should be able to do it. I have a few friends who care me, support me, and applause my decisions and actions. Everyone says, "You are amazing, you are making big efforts. There are nothing you should change.....what you have done and doing is just nearly impossible. But you are doing. Just proud of yourself, and we proud of you"
I will love you. No matter what you have done, no matter how you are, no matter who you are, I will support you and love you, as you used to do it for me. I want you to know this- not really knowing- I don't mean that you realistically know it. I just want things, between us, to be known that I love you. But I don't expect or anything happens for now. I just want to say that for my, your, our future. Yes, I made myself clear here. I will not call him, email him, SMS him, ever. Let's count how many days, hours, I can keep this resolution. Please wait for me, darlin. I will let you free from me.
That's who you are
....Today was quite a day.
Since last night he didn't respond me after I called for my belongings, I kept calling him at very late night. I could sense that he would be with someone. But, I thought that he was just having some fun as I did.
Ironically, I couldn't sleep. So I went back to our apartment in the morning.....guess what? There was a girl sleeping on our couch....guess what? I was very calm and started laughing....He was sleeping on the floor. I just packed my staff in my backpack, but he didn't say anything. I forced him to write me a check on amount that he owned me for years. It was very ackward...indeed. BUT I was very calm and couldn't stop laughing. The girl was just amazing to imagine to be with. I was so laughing because that's whom he chose regardless of their relationship. He kept telling me that she was just a drinking body. Yeah, maybe. I assumed that she was the girl, but she wasn't. She is the other girl. Because he and I were talking, she broke up saying that she should get going. Then we moved to our bed room, but she came in and guess what she said? "Can you take me home?" She was a bomber! So I said, I was leaving, and sorry. Even he said, "do you want me to walk down with you?" That's who he is....that's the man I used to love, I used to believe that's the best man in the world. Maybe that's why I was laughing.
After went back home, I just couldn't help myself, so called him and left a message. Then he called me back, telling me that he just gave her a ride. He asked me for breakfast....the rest of the day, until dinner time, we were together.
He again cried....he said sorry to me. But he said also "I am glad that I didn't sleep with her"!!! Can you believe that? My response was...."you could have, haven't you?"
He said...he tought he was strong....but he cried again....what do you mean? BUT I know he calls the girl, not this girl. He loves her, he even text massage to her. I really think that we live in the different sphere. I don't think we live on the same ground any longer. The girl must be really lovely...I am sure. He wouldn't choose a girl who isn't. I know that. She is...my guess though...just 20 or so. I think he can be with a girl who is innocently uneducated, innocently laid back, innocently not spirited...not like me. I guess that's why he feels good to be with her. He doesn't need to challenge, he doesn't need to be ambitious, he doesn't need to work hard to be a man who he cannot have a confident to be. Oh, poor man. To me now, he look very pitty or poor. But I still love him. I believe in him....he is not that kind of a guy...but he is...that's who he is. Very sad....