本日の実用英語： おならの音各種 （だって、知らないでしょ？どう書くか？）
I went on a picnic with my 86-year-old uncle and my 83-year-old mom.
I'm going to write down the gist of it.
Usually, my cousin is included in the group, making the ratio of
elderlies to youths 1:1, but she was busy that day, and
the burden on me was doubled.
This situation generated twice as many funny happenings
that I had to deal with.
1) The conversation inside the car.
It was an insanity.
The thing is, my uncle's severely hard of hearing.
And because, to make the matter a lot worse, he makes very light of
hearing aids, he often leaves his house without one.
On that day also, he didn't bring one.
I talked the loudest in my vocal cord capacity, and yet he could hear
almost nothing correctly.
Although I don't remember any actual conversation that would make
a good sample, I'll tell you how bad it was.
Me "Are you hungry, Uncle?"
Uncle "Huh? Antarctica?"
Yes, it's this hopeless.
My mom has also started to have a hearing difficulty, but
not at all as bad as her big brother, so I sometimes asked her to tell him
what I was saying.
However, this involved other problems due to her thinking difficulty.
Here's an example:
I called to Uncle for several times doing my best, and he was non-responsive.
So I said to Mom,
"Hey Mom, call Uncle Akio (pseudonym)."
I couldn't belive this; but this actually made her suddenly forget that he had been
sitting next to her since the beginning of the drive, and she yelled
like she was calling to someone 100 m ahead,
"AKKKIO-O-O-O-O-O-----!!!!!!!!!!"
If this wasn't an insanity, what is?
"Hey! Hey! He's next to you! He's next to you, Mom!!"
I said, and she was like,
"Oh, of course."
If I'm not used to this kind of chaos, it would have got to me. And seriously.
Also, their conversations were almost completely not working.
Nevertheless they seemed to be chatting pleasantly.
It was a mystery to me.
2) The picnic.
Well, they drop everything they hold with their chopsticks!!
Within a minute after Uncle started eating, there was a 5-cm large
stain on his trouser, and it was the beginning of all the mess that followed.
Things the old bro and sis were wearing had mutiple numbers of
stains in a matter of 3 or 5 minutes. It was so quick. A mach-level.
What the heck is wrong with these guys?!
While I was wiping a stain off her pullover here, he was dropping some
sauce or something there, and when I took out tissue paper and gave it to
him to wipe his runny nose here, her nasal discharge had landed on her
pullover there.
There was no way I could sit and enjoy my lunch in peace.
I felt like a young mother who has two very young children.
After a while of struggle, I gave up.
I should have made Mom wear something darker.
Also, perhaps I should have brought two diddies.
3) Visiting the temple.
Mom can behave as long as I am taking her hand.
But Uncle has his ultimate weapon: FART.
Got off the car and walking,
Prrrt, prrrt!
Entering the gate,
Prrrrrrrvt!
Walking in the precincts,
Prrrt!!
Next to me who's offering coins and sounding the bell,
Prrrrrrrvtttttt!!!!!
Behind me who's chanting the sutra in her mind,
Verrrrrrrrrnnnnnntttttt. ----Prrrtttt!!!!
This last one while I was trying to chant the sutra,
the one that was the longest and with the ensuring call attached at the end
was nonpermissible even all things considered.
Me "Hey! In front of the Buddha?!"
Looking amused, as if.....he was rewarded or something??,
this is what he said:
"Huh?! Did you hear that?! Funny, I didn't hear anything!"
He played dumb, and he thinks it's funny. (Although it WAS funny, I admit it.)
Okay, it may be true that he can't hear his own fart.
But a fart with that magnitude always gives the farting butt vibration. ALWAYS.
And he can't say his butt didn't feel the vibration.
How dare he says he didn't know his farts were giving off sound?!
Oh, God, I'm so sorry I talked about farts so loudly.
But given that the brother and sister are so old, it's not likely that they
have 10 more years to go.
The day I look back and miss how he farted might come very soon.
That's why I had to write this here today. Amen.
Mt. Arimafuji