[ch 190] I Love Kazuya, So I Can't Be His Lover…
■Japanese original virsion
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In chapter 190, Kazuya doesn't want to leave Chizuru alone and decides to change his lie to the truth out of that feeling.
◆さっきの指輪 もう少し持っててくれないか (Can you hold on to that ring for me, please?） （190）
さっきの指輪 もう少し持っててくれないか
頼む もうちょっとだけ！
(Can you hold on to that ring for me, please? Please, Just for a little while!）
It's a very Kazuya-like way of making up his mind. Chizuru must have sensed that his confession was coming because of his determined mood. Because, well, it's one of the things that Chizuru is most concerned about right now.
◆麻美殿っ (Mami-dono!)（190）
Then Mami appeared. I knew she wouldn't disappoint her fans lol. Chizuru is afraid that she will reveal that her relationship with Kazuya is a lie, and she doesn't have much time left (ch. 184).
Will they finally become lovers?
Hmmm. But let's face it, Kazuya's confession will not be successful on this trip. Kazuya, this is not the time! It's like that. Probably all the heavy fans are feeling anxious about this. It's because Chizuru herself can't accept Kazuya's confession. I'm sure that her real reaction would probably be "Why now? .
The reason why Chizuru can't be with Kazuya now is not because of Ruka or Mami, but essentially because she has her own problems. It's 好き避け(sukisake) , "love avoidance".
Well, actually, you can imagine any number of reasons why Chizuru is running away from Kazuya's confession. She's afraid of getting close to someone, afraid of losing someone she cares about, and so on. But for me personally, I don't think it's an obstacle at all.
So far, there is no scene in the story where Chizuru is afraid of becoming intimate with Kazuya, or afraid of losing him if he becomes her boyfriend. Then I don't think that's a big problem. The one thing that is definitely depicted in the story, and is definitely an obstacle for Chizuru, is "love avoidance".
Today, I'd like to take a thorough look back at Chizuru's "love avoidance".
Chizuru's Serious Love Avoidance
In Japan, I think that the term "love-avoidance" seems to have gained a certain degree of recognition. "Love-avoidance" means avoiding (physically) the person you like, or being indifferent, offensive or cold to the person you like (acting as if you are not interested in or dislike the person).
Until she found out Kazuya's true heart ( Chapter 174), the reason why Chizuru couldn't become his girlfriend is because she thought that to him she was just a collaborator and not his girlfriend or anything, and that he couldn't possibly like her ([Commentary] Chizuru's Conflict Was Much More Serious than I Had Expected). However, from the moment she learned Kazuya's true feelings, that obstacle was gone. Then, as long as Chizuru told Kazuya that she loved him, they would have become lovers. But in reality, they couldn't.
So, Miyajima-san showed that the reason why they couldn't become lovers was Chizuru's "love avoidance".
If Chizuru was a girl who didn't make love avoidance, she would have turned around and told Kazuya how she felt the moment she heard his confession. But Chizuru couldn't do that, so she ran away.
◆馬鹿みたい…っ 私… (I feel like an idiot.) （174）
I think she was really happy and very relieved when she got to know Kazuya's true feelings. Because Chizuru had been worrying and thinking that Kazuya would someday have a real girlfriend and leave her.
◆ああもう 何とかしなくちゃ (Oh God, I have to do something.)（174）
ああもう 何とかしなくちゃ
(Oh God, I have to do something.)
So, she decides to become a lover with Kazuya. But I think Chizuru knew very well how difficult it would be for her to tell Kazuya that she liked him, since she had always been his rental girlfriend and could only act like "I'm not interested in you" to him.
◆学内で好き避けしてしまう千鶴 (Chizuru makes "love avoidance" on campus)（175）
When Chizuru meets Kazuya on campus, she can't even act as a friend on campus as usual and tries to keep her distance from him. She really likes Kazuya, and he likes her as a girl. When she feels that, she gets very nervous and confused. That's why she avoids him.
There are many reasons why people do "love avoidance": they get nervous and inevitably run away when they are with the person they like, they are embarrassed that the other person will find out they like them, they are afraid of being rejected if the other person finds out they like them, or they are strategically trying to keep the other person away (to get the other person's attention).
In Chizuru's case, the reason for her avoidance is that she feels embarrassed to let the person she likes know that she likes him, which makes her very confused.
If you are a typical tsundere, you may be a bit angry or offensive (or cool in some cases), but basically you try to express your feelings to the person you like, and you can do it. However, in the case of Chizuru, she does not say things in a superficially tsun manner, but rather, she is embarrassed to show her feelings of affection from a truly deep place inside, and so she inevitably adopts a tsun attitude. Also, just being aware of Kazuya as a lover makes her confused and she runs away from the situation.
She's a super-duper tsundere, and she's not very good at showing her favoritism anyway, so it's not surprising that she makes love avoidance to him ([Commentary] Chizuru Mizuhara Doesn't Speak Her Heart: "I Like You" Between ｔhe Situation and Her Action!).
Chizuru Can't Say Thank You with a Smile
Since the first volume, Chizuru has been reluctant to show her positive feeling for Kazuya (in other words, her feeling that you are a nice person to me). This is the most essential factor of "love avoidance".
In her heart, she is full of happiness and gratitude, and she can make the best smile when she is alone, but she can't smile well at Kazuya.
◆多すぎよ 馬鹿 (Too many, you baka.) （53）
When she was about to give up on her dream, how happy she was when Kazuya told her, "So don't tell me you're giving up".
◆嬉しかった バカみたいだけど (I was happy. I know it sounds stupid.) （55）
But she can't smile at Kazuya. This way, she can' t convey how happy she was at all. Sumi-chan and Ruka-chan would be able to express their gratitude with their best smile.
◆すっぱ （That's sour!）（69）
When Kazuya gave her a birthday present, it didn't look like a present, but it made her happy that he thought so hard about her and cared about her health, and that he was on her side like that. After this, she'd go out of her way to cook rice to eat the pickled plums (in Japan, a pickled plum is usually eaten with rice).
◆信じてあげるわよ うるさいなぁ （I believe you. Shut up.）（70）
But then she says like, "I'll trust you about Ruka's sleepover because you're so annoying".
◆へへっ （heh-heh）（146）
When Chizuru went to see the venue for the screening, her grandmother was so happy about the completion of the film that it was the best feeling she had ever had in her life. It was the moment she had been hoping for since she was in junior high school. When she is alone, she smiles innocently like a little child.
◆ありがとう もう一回 言いたくて (Thank you. I just wanted to say it one more time.) （146）
Chizuru was filled with joy and gratitude, and she couldn't help but want to tell Kazuya. But she still can't bring herself to smile at Kazuya. I think she was embarrassed at herself for being so happy like a child.
For this girl who is so confused about expressing even her gratitude, it is still difficult for her to tell him with words and facial expressions that he looks wonderful to her.
Chizuru Hides Her True Feelings Behind Logic
So Chizuru hides her true feelings of wanting to be by his side by laying out reasons why she needs to cooperate and see Kazuya.
◆あくまで おばあちゃん達の為だし (We' re only doing this for our grandmothers.) （32）
◆遠慮なんかしないでっ 今日はところん 付き合うから (Don't be shy. I'll go with you all the way today.) （79）
The way she says it is always, as a rental girlfriend, for the sake of their grandmothers, or because he persistently ask her to. She can' t show her feelings that she wants to help him because it's Kazuya.
◆楽しそうにプレゼントを選ぶ千鶴 (Chizuru happily choosing a gift.) （30）
At Christmas time, Chizuru really wants Kazuya to be happy with her choice (she even went to the trouble of having Umi help her choose the gift).
◆お詫び お詫びだから (Apology. It's an apology.) （31）
But she tells Kazuya that it's just an apology and that he's a client, so it's natural. Why can't she just be honest and say she's glad he's happy?
◆ちょっとおばあちゃん 私の彼氏にベタベタしないでよね (Don't get too attached to my boyfriend, Grandma.) （57）
Even when she declared Kazuya a "fair neighbor", she really wants to spend more time with him.
ちょっとおばあちゃん 私の彼氏にベタベタしないでよね
(Don't get too attached to my boyfriend, Grandma.)
She' s not happy that Grandma Sayuri has caught Kazuya. This one is her real heart.
◆おばあちゃんがあなたに合わせろって聞かなくて (My grandmother wanted to see you and wouldn't listen to me.) （57）
But she still hides her feelings by explaining to Kazuya that the reason she invited him to the batting center was because Grandma Sayuri wanted to meet him.
◆生クリームも切らしてたし あればもっとまともに… (I was also out of whipped cream, and if I had it, I could have made a more decent...)（109）
When she started crowdfunding, Chizuru had just realized that her desire to be by Kazuya's side was love (episode 86). Kazuya must have looked really wonderful to protect her dream and steadily prepare for the film production. Even the omelet rice she made for Kazuya was something she made with all her heart, because she wanted him to say it was delicious.
生クリームも切らしてたし あればもっとまともに…
(I was also out of whipped cream, and if I had it, I could have made a more decent...)
Chizuru made an excuse that she could have made it even better if she had whipped cream.
◆勘違いしないで 別に深い意味はないから (Don't get me wrong. I didn't mean anything deep.) （109）
But she hides her feelings from Kazuya, telling him that the omu-rice has no particular deep meaning (feeling).
Naturally, Chizuru wants to know what he thinks of her cooking. She was really happy to hear him say, "It's good, it's really good.
そう ありがと なんか言わせちゃったみたい
(So thank you, I feel like I made you say that.)
But after all, she would say something like, "You don't really think it's delicious, do you?"
Because she really likes Kazuya, Chizuru is unable to honestly tell him how she feels. She is embarrassed to let him know how much she wants to be with him, how much she wants to please him, and how much she wants him to like her. So, she tries to make up all kinds of reasons to say that she doesn't want to see him, that she doesn't have any special feelings for him.
This girl is a real pain in the ass. It's no wonder Kazuya can't recognize Chizuru's feelings.
Chizuru's Curt Attitude.
Right after Chizuru found out Kazuya's true feelings, she avoided him (Chapter 175 ). Such "love avoidance" has been depicted many times in the story.
◆そう サンキュ (I see. Thank you.) （16）
When Kazuya rescued her from the sea, she did something like kiss him. Chizuru is very embarrassed by this, and as a boy, she is very conscious of Kazuya. In order to hide her feelings, she immediately takes an offensive attitude. She turns her back on Kazuya and can't even say thank you properly, so she runs away to her room.
◆…そう (I see.) （112）
At this time, Chizuru has just had her grandmother tell her, "But there is no one more suitable for you than him," to support her love (chapter 112). When she thinks that she loves this person, it makes it even harder for her to express her feelings. She turns her back to Kazuya so that he can't see how upset she is (although she was brave enough to tell him that he was a good person at this time).
◆………っ（122）
When Yaemori said to her, "Kazuya likes you as a woman," she became very conscious of Kazuya as a lover and got upset. She wants to get away from Kazuya, so she takes a curt attitude.
When Chizuru becomes very conscious of Kazuya as a romantic interest or feels that she likes him, she gets upset easily. So she runs away from the situation. She has always been portrayed as a character who not only can't honestly show her fondness, but also make "love avoidance" on the spur of the moment.
Will she be able to keep from running away from Kazuya when he tries to confess? I think it would be very difficult. Considering the way Chizuru has been portrayed so far, it's only natural that she would run away from his confession.
Chizuru Denies Her Love for Kazuya.
So, this girl would be filled with embarrassment if Kazuya find out that she sees him as her lover. She would desperately deny it.
◆誕生日会に行きたがった気持ちを必死に否定する千鶴 (Chizuru desperately denies her desire to go to the birthday party.) （90）
When the birthday party was held, Chizuru asked Grandma Sayuri to let her go in order to protect their lie. She was very serious about it.
She was really looking forward to the birthday party and was worried that Ruka's intrusion would expose their lie, so she went to the birthday party. It was the moment she was convinced that her desire to protect her false lover relationship with Kazuya was her love for him (The Paradigm Shift that Happened to Chizuru).
ちづるに あんな行きたそうにされたら お葬式でも 優先させるわっ
(If Chizuru looks like she wants to go, I'll make it a priority even if it's my funeral.)
That's what Grandma Sayuri said. Grandma Sayuri knew that Chizuru was seriously in love with Kazuya.
Chizuru is embarrassed that Kazuya knows about her feelings for him, so she desperately denies it with her reproachful eyes (jito-eys) (chapter 90). Well, it's just so kawaii lol.
◆106話 勘違いしないでよね (Don't get me wrong!)（106）
When Yaemori-san says, "If you're flirting with each other, why don't you both just go out?" Chizuru is embarrassed that she was seen as if she were his girlfriend, so she desperately says that she has no intention of becoming his girlfriend. Well, it's really kwaii (for the second time).
◆好きじゃなくもない (I don't NOT like him.)（178）
◆知らない！ (I don't Know!)（178）
At Umi's party, she remembers herself saying "I don't NOT like him" and her face turns red. Then she says, "I don't know about that, it has nothing to do with me," and tries desperately to change the subject. In the end, she stomped on Kazuya's foot (chapter 178). Well, it's really kawaii (for the third time).
From the outside, it's a cute scene, but for Chizuru, it's almost like she's in a panic.
To be honest, when I feel something moving inside her chest, I get really worried.
Anxiety About His Confession and Becoming His Lover
Chizuru is so embarrassed to have her feelings for him known that she likes him that she desperately denies it while turning red in the face. Now, when Kazuya confesses his feelings for her, do you think she will be able to say, "I like you too"? No, no, no, it's impossible. I don't think she could say "I don't like you" or "I don't want to go out with you," but I think it would be difficult for her to say "yes". Her mind will go blank and she won't even be able to think straight.
◆告白から逃げてしまう千鶴 (Chizuru rus away from his confession)（180）
When I was fine with my relationship with Kazuya being that of a rental girlfriend and a client, it was not a problem. Kazuya was always there for me, no matter how curt I was. But the way I am now, I don't think I'll be able to tell him that I like him.
If I can't say it properly...
I think the pressure on her was considerable. That's why Chizuru can only run away from her confession.
I wonder what will happen to me if I become Kazuya's girlfriend. Will I be able to treat him the same way as before? Will I be able to stay calm?
I'm in love with Kazuya, and he loves me.
Besides, if her relationship with Kazuya becomes a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, that is to say, a relationship that proves that they like each other, just by meeting Kazuya, she would strongly feel that he knows that she likes him, and she would be extremely confused. I'm sure she can imagine that. That's why it's hard for her to change her current relationship with him.
Chizuru wants to be lovers with Kazuya. No, she wants to go even further. From her heart, really. Since that moment when she was able to let out her sorrow in front of Kazuya (no, I'm sure it started long before that.), Chizuru has been wishing that Kazuya would always be by her side. "I probably feel that if I like him, I want to go out with him, I want to be by his side forever..." (Chapter 179) . There is no doubt that Chizuru meant what she said on the way home from the party. She's done enough to sort out her feelings. But because she really loves him, she can't easily express it in words. In fact, without us knowing, I think Chizuru is really struggling with the question, "Why can't I be so honest?"
Because of Chizuru's shyness, in order for her to become a lover with Kazuya, she needs to take a very long time and gradually close the distance between her and Kazuya. Instead of running away from her shyness and embarrassment, she has to change little by little to show her feelings of love and try to make time for the two of them.
Chizuru Starting to Change
After Chizuru heard Kazuya's confession, the major change that I saw in her was that she was able to show her affection for Kazuya more definitely than before. At Umi-kun's party, she tried to be with him as much as possible, asked him to share a salad with her, invited him to go home with her, and told him that she wanted a boyfriend.
◆一人になんてしないって… (I'm not leaving you alone.) （177）
◆食べよっ (Let's eat.)（177）
◆帰っちゃおっか そろそろ (Why don't we go home now?)（179）
◆ずっと 傍にいたいって… (I would want to be with him forever..) （179）
Up until now, she had been in a relationship with Kazuya as a rented girlfriend and a client, which was the reason why she couldn't be with him or show him any fondness. But she could be sure of a future where they could be real lovers after his confession. So, I guess she took off the stopper she had put on her heart for a little bit and tried her best to be close to Kazuya (well, in a nutshell, it's a "suki appeal" lol).
Up until now, she had been in a relationship with Kazuya as a rented girlfriend and a client, which was the reason why she couldn't be with him or show him any fondness. But she could be sure of a future where they could be real lovers after his confession. So, I guess she took off the stopper she had put on her heart for a little bit and tried her best to be close to Kazuya (well, in a nutshell, it's a "suki appeal").
There's no reason or need to hide her feelings of wanting to tell him she likes him, wanting him to like her, or wanting to be by his side. Finally, Chizuru was able to get over the misunderstandings that were created by the relationship between the rental girlfriend and the client, and she was able to start a normal love life. I, for one, was truly happy to see Chizuru like that (tears). It was a very small step, but for Chizuru, it was a big step.
And when they are in a crisis, Chizuru, who has started to change, has the best words for Kazuya.
◆乗り切ろ ふたりで (LET'S RIDE THIS OUT. YOU AND ME TOGETHER. ) （189）
乗り切ろ ふたりで
LET'S RIDE THIS OUT. YOU AND ME TOGETHER.
I want to help you, not because it's my job as a rental girlfriend, not because you asked me to, but because it's you. Chizuru puts these feelings into words and delivers them to Kazuya.
It's kind of like a kawaii collection of Chizuru's love avoidance lol. Considering Chizuru's personality that has been portrayed since the first volume, it's only natural for her to make love avoidance. Rather than saying that a new obstacle has been "born" or has become "more serious," it would be better to say that a hidden obstacle has become apparent and is now actually functioning.
Chizuru has definitely started to change. Somewhere along the line, she should be able to overcome her embarrassment and confusion and make a decision. The goal for both of them is when Chizuru gradually becomes able to show her feelings of love honestly and decides to tell him that she loves him. Until then, let's take our time and watch.
Watershed
Kazuya's confession will never succeed unless the scene is depicted where Chizuru, who is in crisis on this trip, decides that she must tell Kazuya that she loves him. Chizuru will just keep running away from his confession.
However, there is no doubt that this trip will be a watershed moment. The most likely scenario is that Kazuya himself will reveal that his relationship with Chizuru is a lie, or that it will exposed by someone. In chapter 182, when Kibe told him about Nagomi's wish, he must have been ready to tell her that it was a lie. If this chapter was intended to make Kazuya feel that way, it wouldn't be surprising if the foreshadowing shown here is recovered in this trip. Well, it seems like Kazuya would tell the truth on his own the moment someone is about to expose his lie, saying that Chizuru didn't do anything wrong.
◆だから あの人には嘘つくな (So don't lie to her.) （182）
Mami
I'm sure Mami will be able to manipulate Ruka, Kibe, and Kuribayashi into revealing their lies without getting her own hands dirty. In addition, she would probably reveal the fact that Ruka is his real girlfriend. As a result, she might make up a story like, "Kazu-kun (Kazuya) pretended that Chizuru, his rental girlfriend, was his real girlfriend, then blackmailed her like a stalker, and was having a two-way relationship with Ruka. Well, I'm looking forward to seeing what comes of it.
Ruka
I have a feeling that Ruka's love life will end with this trip. There is a good chance that Kazuya will find out about her bluff. The reason why Ruka can be so bold and sweet to Kazuya (i.e., she can force her "likes" on him and almost threaten him) is because she thinks that Kazuya will forgive her. But if he really scolded her, for the first time since they started dating, she would feel that Kazuya hated her. This girl, who gets jealous easily and feels insecure in her relationship with her boyfriend, would be hurt tremendously. She will feel insecure and anxious, thinking that Kazuya didn't like everything she did so far, and that he really hated her.
Also, at that time (chapter 187), Ruka didn't think that Chizuru was serious about Kazuya, and she could have said something terrible to her. But if something happens on this trip and she finds out Chizuru's true feelings, she'll feel incredibly guilty.
And most importantly, the moment the fact that Chizuru is his rental girlfriend is exposed, her trial relationship with Kazuya would be over. Because her threats won't work anymore. If Kazuya asks her to break up with him, she will lose even her only hope of being a "real girlfriend".
Chizuru
I think Chizuru would be extremely depressed if their lies are exposed. Of course, because she and Kazuya are not lovers any longer, but that's not all. For Chizuru, Kazuya's family is really like her own family. She must have looked at Grandma Nagomi as if she were her own grandmother. For Chizuru, being exposed that their relationship is a lie is almost like losing her entire family.
I betrayed Grandmother Nagomi, who loved me so much and expected so much from me. I'm sure she hated me. If I had been able to be more honest, I would have been able to become a lover with Kazuya.
She would probably blame herself for not being able to do that. Even if she is able to become Kazuya's girlfriend, she will be worried about whether his family will accept her the same way they did before.
Now that it is known that their relationship was a lie, Chizuru no longer has any reason to ask Kazuya to rent her. It would be awkward to ask him to rent her as a reason to support her as an actress. There is no relationship between a producer and an actress now. She's going to lose all her connections with Kazuya and her family, and she's going to be lonely and lonely all over again. What is left between her and Kazuya is just a neighbor, a classmate in the same university.
Then, Chizuru no longer has a choice but to take concrete actions to become a lover with Kazuya within the relationship that is left. I think the sense of crisis given to her will make her determined. This situation will be hard and difficult, but will be a tailwind for her. The speed will be very slow, and at first, she may do something like giving some reason to go to Saizeriya with Kazuya. I'd like to keep an eye on that step.
Well, so much for my imagination.
So that's how I look back on chapter 190. Overall, I think it's going in the right direction. The tailwind will never be gentle or warm, but I'm sure it will push them both forward.
See you in the next post!
