I'm getting at the end of my rope with my mom talking about my skin picking. It's getting kind of upsetting and I wish she would stop making me feel like shit about it.
The other day, she decided to barge in the bathroom when I was taking a shower and decided it was completely appropriate to invade my privacy and open the shower door when I was buck naked and start going off about how awful my skin looks, that she thinks that it's gotten worse and that I shouldn't be taking a shower at midnight. I am so angry and feel like my trust was violated and I can't believe she thought that invading someone else's privacy like that was completely appropriate.
I talked to my boyfriend about it yesterday and he said that he's sorry that happened to me and that he felt like she drew a line too and the worst part about it is that she didn't even apologize about invading my privacy like that and even if I did she would never even care about my feelings about it because SHE thinks it's okay. 
Then today she wanted to schedule some BS contrived photo op because I wasn't there to take a photo with my sister after she decided on her wedding dress on a whim. When I asked her what I should wear, she pointed out that my sister's friends were wearing summer dresses but I couldn't do that because of how my legs look and said that it's a bummer that I couldn't wear them and it just straight-up felt like guilt-tripping to me.
Why do I let her get to me this much? 
I feel even more hurt with each comment she makes about my skin because it's not like it's going to help it heal any faster or change that I relapsed. I'm sick of her borderline bullying me and now she's starting to ruin my excitement for my sister's wedding because she can't just shut her damn mouth and be kind about it.
First it's my mom making me strip down to my underwear and do picking checks to make sure I didn't pick after the first time she noticed my relapse, then it was her threatening me to not be able to come to my sister's wedding, then threats about taking me to another psychiatrist or hospitalizing me, and now that I can come to my sister's wedding, she decided to look at me naked in the shower without my consent and start making nasty comments and I can't take it anymore.
I think I might start locking my shower door or shower when she's not home because like HELL will I ever let her do that again to me, I feel like what she did was completely inappropriate and fucked up. I don't know if it would fall in the category of s3xual abuse, but regardless, I don't feel right at all about what she did to me and how she invaded my privacy. I feel violated, full stop. I don't care if she's a doctor, she doesn't get to do that to me. I don't care how concerned she is, it's fucked up to coerce someone into stripping down to check in on you.
Now that I think about it, this certainly isn't the first time this has happened to me. A memory came back to me just now about something similar happening to me at around 12-13, where she forced me to lift up my shirt so she could take pictures of my back spots from picking and show them to me and shame me for them and go on about how sad she was. This happened another time pretty recently at 21, and now at 24 but even worse than the last 2 times.
Honestly, I'd rather voluntarily have skin checks in front of psychiatric staff in a hospital than have my mom do this to me ever again. It's so embarrassing and humiliating and makes me feel like I've lost any and all dignity and autonomy to my body. I have the exact word to describe this at the tip of my tongue, but I can't quite place it.
Hoooo boy, this will be an interesting thing to talk about with my therapist. My appointment can't come any SLOWER right now and I wish it was tomorrow because I can't just let this go right now. I'm not over it!
I wish she would shut the fuck up and just leave me alone to let me not fixate on my skin as much. I swear as soon as SHE says to me that my skin looks better or that my HS flareups are getting better my skin turns to shit again and it's SO frustrating. I'm sick of her tainting nice things in my life by choosing to be an asshole and I've about had enough of it at almost 25 years old.
I want to get better for ME, not for HER, but I'm starting to get resentful and feel like she only truly loves me if my skin or appearance looks acceptable enough for her even if she says otherwise. Considering that she has straight-up told me that she "means everything she says to me", yes that means the good stuff, but also means the awful stuff and it just makes my stomach sink everytime I realize that I will never have the mom I want. I'm angry, sad and heartbroken.
Stop comparing me to my deadbeat fucking uncle who is bumming around at my grandparents' house and not helping out, I AM NOT HIM just because I also have my own type of addiction.
I don't want to be abused anymore. I don't want to be treated like this anymore. I think this is the 20th+ time I've said that I will never talk to her again, but my brain just blocks it out and then I relive it again. I can't do this anymore. I'm done. Even if this is the 25th time I've said this, for right now, I'm DONE with her.
I'm anxious about bringing this up to my therapist but honestly, I really need someone on my side to support me right now and work through my feelings about this because I feel so icky about it and I can't get it out of my mind.
I say this a LOT, but she really went too far this time.
We'll say maybe third on the list to her physically assaulting me and knocking my stuff down and breaking my thumb when I was 17. I still regret not telling the ER doctor the truth about what truly happened between me and my mom when I was younger because maybe I would have had a better situation perhaps because I was a minor, but maybe not. I guess I made the most comfortable decision for me at the time, so I think I'm going to have to keep processing the myraid of past traumas this sick woman has given me, and keep trying to not dwell on the distressing thoughts.
