I am ashamed to say this, but I broke my wall out of anger after having a pretty intense meltdown and I feel awful and humiliated by it.
I was having a good start to my day until my mom texted me and pressured me about going out and finding jobs that had "more steady income" despite knowing that I JUST started another freelance job that I got 2 weeks ago. I got so pissed off that I couldn't even control myself because it's like she didn't even acknowledge that I have been job-hunting for MONTHS and MONTHS until I found this job and honestly I was hoping getting this job would finally get her off my back, but guess not
I got even more pissed off about the fact that she insinuated that my freelance job would not last or give me steady work and that I need to get out of my comfort zone and hand in resumes in person, as if all the work I did finding this job meant nothing to her. 
I honestly feel so angry and insulted that she thinks I'm not trying hard enough to get a "real job" just because I got rejected by a few retail jobs. For starters, what's the point of wasting my time and gas driving around and embarassing myself by looking out of touch to ask if there's jobs and handing my resume, just for people to tell me to "look online" 3/4ths of the time? I told her this and she said that "I have nothing BUT time to do so" but who cares?? Just because I DO have the time, it doesn't mean that I WANT to waste my time!
After she finished calling, I got so distressed and angry to the point where I was sobbing, hyperventilating, screaming and slamming things, and I slammed my door so hard into the wall and punched it to the point where the doorknob dented a hole into the wall...
I didn't even realize until I got home later tonight and saw it as I opened the door...ugh I'm cooked.
Now I have to tell my dad that I had a breakdown so bad that I broke the fucking wall and I'm anxious and embarassed about what I did and wish I could take it back because now it's going to be a royal pain in the ass to get fixed
I'm going to tell him tomorrow, but truthfully I'd rather fix it myself so I can just learn from this experience and move on. I don't know how to fix a wall or have a clue where the wall paint is, so I have no choice but to suck it up and tell him Maybe I'll fib and say that I slammed the door open too hard when I was mad and noticed that there was a hole in the wall later and need to fix it...not like it's REALLY a lie. But then I don't want my mom to be like "are your mEds wOrkIng??" and get into THAT conversation again because I'm SO fucking over it.
I guess I'm angry at the fact that I feel trapped in my own life and stuck in this shitty situation where I'm almost 25 and living in my parents house with my toxic mom who tries to control my own schedule around her own which I'm quite frankly getting REALLY sick of. I'm sick of her making me do chores and take a shower by a certain time and having a bedtime like a freaking child...I'm 25!! I don't care if I have ADHD, I just want her to leave me TF alone and worry about her own life, but she just won't let up.
I'm also sick of her nasty comments towards me that hurt my feelings, her constantly nagging me and comparing me to my sister and my other peers and telling me that I need to try harder/that I "can do better than that" when she thinks I don't do MY best (aka the version SHE thinks is "my best") and I'm tired of living up to her expectations. I feel like I have to keep jumping over an endless race of hurdles and break my back just to satisfy her...and then it's STILL not enough.
If I get a job after job-hunting for months? I need to get a "better" job with steadier income with benefits. If I've started making progress on not picking my skin? My legs look horrible, my pigmentation is healing too slowly, and that just making some progress isn't good enough for her and she wants me to completely stop. I take a shower at midnight? I'm not allowed to do that because me showering prevents her from getting good sleep (even if she's across the house from me). On and on and ON this shit keeps going in and I'm really sick of it. 
I'm reaching the end of my tether and I'm hoping that I get a full-time job soon so I can start hardcore saving and high-tail it out of my parents house and go low-contact with her. I don't like admitting this, but my relationship with my mom is 5x better and more pleasant the less I talk to her. Maybe I just need to cut her off for good, but my heart can't really get myself to do that because then I'd feel guilty and like a shitty daughter. My god, I can't wait to go to therapy tomorrow, I have so much I need to address and process because it's been a shitty few days with my mom and her bullshit. I just want to scream and cry and GTFO of my parent's house.
On a happier note, I'm driving over to where my friend lives to go get ramen with her and see fireworks for the 4th of July and I'm so excited!
While I'm not feeling overly patriotic about my country, I still want to hang out with my friend and have fun 
