Change

In the past year, I have made a lot of changes in my life.

There were times when I was very happy. And there were times that I cried. There were times that I was so grateful for what I had, and there were times when I felt an immense loneliness and burden.

There were times, when people wanted me to wait. And I waited and waited, but I didn't get the answer that I had waited for. So now I am not waiting anymore, and I won't regret this decision. If I wait too long, I'll miss out on where I could have been,

I think, that the person I have changed into is a product of my own desires for who I want to be, and I've managed, inch by inch, to come closer to this ideal I hold in my head.

But it's not over.

At this point, I feel as if I am overcoming another stage, and I will soon change again.

So I keep running, with my head looking forward.

Please look out for me.

a

Right now, I'm really angry and sad.

It's really hard for me to depend on people. I don't doubt their abilities or think they are stupid, I don't feel superior either. I just don't want to burden them. But today, when I needed to depend on someone the most, I was disappointed beyond words.

I never try to get mad, because I feel ridiculous, it's a waste of time being mad. I get mad over being mad. I surpress it, I don't want to whine about life and its hardships. But right now it's kind of hard. I don't know what to do to be taken seriously when I need it the most. I listen. I listen a lot. and I care. But when I want these feelings to be returned the most, I am denied.

I think my first step today, was letting it out. I don't feel any regret showing that I am hurt. Because I'm not going to hide it all the time. I'm only human.

Letters

So............

I've woken up at 4am for no apparent reason... and this doesn't really happen to me that often...

Immediately I had a song playing in my head and a pang in my chest to write here...

I am always waiting. Some days it gets really close... and then it's almost as if it resets and I'm thrown really far away again, until I'm completely dazed and unbalanced. I don't even know why I want it to happen.... maybe because it will be confirmed to me then. But I don't want it to get close at all... and then on the other side I do... but I don't...

And then what? What will I do? Will I keep on waiting?

I would feel the great conviction of others, and would have to face it at full force.

But then why do I keep getting drawn in. It's not fair, and I wish it were different. I feel like a child, always thinking the same thing: "I don't want it anymore. Take it away."

And then when it looks like it's taken away, I feel at a loss, with a tinge of jealousy.

But why do I even have to deal with this. What has thrown this problem at me and for what reason. I don't think I'm that strong of a person to be dealing with things like this and on these days I really feel it. And words like "I hate you" can only rid me of these feelings for a little bit. But then again, I wish the words "I love you" were never mentioned either.

Why are you so stubborn. Why do you not see that it troubles me this much, why don't you leave me alone, like I've told you to... so many times, over and over again. Why don't you just stop talking to me and I'll go away, you don't have to feel bad. It's not like my feelings should have any importance to you anyways...

"I want to hear your voice
on the phone and in my dreams
but I was never any good at talking to you
so everytime I just write it in a letter"

- Utada Hikaru, Letters