Are you happy now

So I've had some time...

And maybe, some of those scary feelings have been burried inside, but some of them have been scattered to the wind...

I know, that things will never be the same. And I have no other road to walk on than one of acceptance. I accept it, you're happy now, what's done is done. I wish for your happiness, even if your back is turned on me...

And now, it's time for me to go as well. And maybe, one day, somewhere somehow, you'll find me again, and I'll be radiant, have strength, and allow my smile to speak true to all that I am...

That's the reason why I can slowly go on now. Because of what I want to become, and because of what roads we've chosen.

the most painful thing

this is the most painful thing right now

I really really miss you

and I might never talk to you again, and right now I really need you

but I can't... and I think you've already moved on that quickly, maybe you're not feeling anything at all.... maybe it was because of the way I said it... I don't know where to go from here. my world is so empty without you...

"we need to talk..."

Last night, for the first time, I was able to talk honestly about my feelings to the most important person...

And as we sat there in the windy night... I couldn't help but cry...

I couldn't stop the tears, because I was scared, because I didn't want to say what I was going to say, because I wish I wasn't there to ruin their life.

I told them, that I didn't want to see or talk to them after that...

And they protested, and asked me why, and I told them over and over again with stubborn excuses. And they said "well ignore me then? for a week?" and I said, "that's too short...", "a month? a year? forever?" and the shock in their voice killed me inside... so much that I couldn't help but cry a lot even today...

"So I guess this is it?"

I didn't know what else to say. All I could do was cry. I got of the bus somewhere I didn't know and I sat there for half an hour crying. I turned off my phone because I couldn't talk. I didn't know what to do. I've never felt like that before and when I was crying I felt so down, like I couldn't ever be happy again... all because of my own words...

Today I didn't want to get out of bed. When I finally got out a little after noon I felt like my room would collapse on me, and I felt so trapped, so I decided to go out. I didn't care where. I just got on the bus, and I ended up going far... I ended up going to a park near my high school, because it was big and open and I wanted to sit out there alone and think. And I cried a little bit more. And then I got up and kept walking...

Now I'm in my room again, finding it difficult to think about what I said to that person, and the confession I made. I don't know if they'll ever talk to me again. I don't know what's going to happen now and I'm really scared. I've never been this scared before, because I don't know what to do. I can't even face my mom when she comes in my room because at any moment I'm gonna burst into tears. I can't even pick up the phone and call anyone because of that reason.

I'm so sorry I put you through this. I need to sort out this mess