I remember

I remember my first day of high school. I thought things were going to go well. I thought things were going to be excitingly different and enjoyable. I didn't know the things that would come with this change... Some of the most terrible, and stressful changes I have been through.

Within the first two weeks. I stopped being around most of my friends. One of the reasons was because they were around people I felt I couldn't trust. Before I even got to know the rest of my peers... I knew that most of them were untrustworthy. My best friend had started to hang around with a girl that hated my sister. She soon came to hate me. For no good reason. She hated the way I chose to present myself. She changed the way I look at humans. Because of her, I have troubles trusting people. I have troubles with people in general. I don't like them anymore.

With only a few of my friends... I continued to go to school. I hated it. Going to school to have words thrown at me by some bitch and her friends. Everyone watched it. People saw it happen. But no one except my sister stood up for me. I told people about it. They reassured me. But I still couldn't help but to continue to feel hatred towards humans. I didn't realize it at first. But now I know what it is.

Now. In the present. I continue to sit at my desk in class. And just watch everyone talk with their friends. When I go home and think about it... I realize how little people I actually trust in my life. Besides my family and internet friends... I don't feel comfortable sharing my feelings with anyone. I don't want anyone to come into my personal life. I don't even want a boyfriend. I just want to be by myself.

Through all these days. I've cried so many times. I get stressed out because of silly little things like homework... and P.E. class. P.E. class in terrible. I don't even want to get into that. But the main point is... I can't seem to focus properly on my life anymore because of people and school. I wish I could be home schooled. I don't want to have to start taking medication just so I can wake up in the morning and sit through 6 hours of hell.

Last night I had a dream. In this dream, there was an injured girl. Her mother was by her side, trying to repair her wounds. She kept on bandaging things up. Then the girl said, "You don't have to help me..." I was sitting there. Just watching. The mother was crying. Then the girl stood up and began to walk towards a flight of white stairs. I followed her. Once I passed through the door into the stairs... I came to realize that I was the girl. I didn't have anymore bandages. But I was wearing a white dress. I continued to climb the steps. It felt endless. But reached the top eventually. It was a white room. Almost completely empty except for an empty bookcase. There was an open window. Once I saw the window, the girl had come out of me again. I watched the girl walk towards the window and gaze out at the purple starry night sky. She then stepped up on to the window sill. Holding on to each side of the window with her hands, she extended her leg outwards. She looked down with no expression on her face. Then looked up to see the sun slowly rising from the clouds. I could see everything she saw when looking out the window. But I could also see her. It was strange... After this, she closed her eyes, and stepped forward and fell into the clouds.

My mother came rushing up the stairs after. I was sitting right by the stairs. But she didn't see me. She didn't even notice. Had I been that girl the whole time? She didn't even look like me. She had an Angelic face with golden hair and violet eyes. Was that me? Either way... why did I commit suicide? I looked happy when I fell from the window. I think I was just leaving reality... and going to the place where I know I would be happy. In that field of Summer. I think that's where I was going...

Goodnight. I'm going to dream now.

It's alright again...

I will embrace this moment. This moment of beauty. I have never longed for anything as much as I long for Summer. Summer is no longer hidden with in my memories. But it's right before my eyes. Right here... Of course, it's still Spring. But all of this feels like Summer. It's not quite Summer yet, but it's lovely enough to make me happy again.

I want this happiness to last while I'm at school. I don't want that disgusting place to ruin my thoughts and joy. Last night, I watched the movie, "GOTH". I want to portray myself as Morino does. Of course, only around people. But when I am by myself, I will be happy. Truthfully, I can no longer feel happy around people, unless they are important to me. I want to stay quiet around my friends even... Ever since dance unit, I can't show my happiness to people. I even said to my friends on that day, "I hate everyone." They thought I wasn't serious. But I was completely serious.

I don't want to disrespect my friends. I don't want them to hate me. But if they weren't my friends, I would be entirely okay with that fact. I'd much rather be alone. I think that I am going to start getting rid of this social anxiety by doing things by myself when normally I would ask for guidance. Such as going to talk to a teacher when not in class. I will do this by myself.

Anyways... I feel much happier now that I have discarded most of the interaction with humans. I don't think it's necessary for me to come in contact with such insolent creatures. I don't know if I will regret saying this later on in my life. But right now... this is how I want things to be. I want my life to be without humans... as often as possible anyways.

So. Today is beautiful. I hope tomorrow will be just as beautiful. I still haven't finished my homework as I should have. I will do that now.

Life is all right~

今日は春です。

I'm happy that it's Spring now. That means Summer is getting closer. Soon there will be leaves on the trees again, and I'll be able to be free from my troubles once more. I will be able to celebrate the lovely things. I can embrace them each day. Only when I know I'm free... I can only see things as lovely as they really are when I am like this. Right now, the sun is shining through my window bringing me happiness. But somehow... there is still sadness lurking in my soul. This sadness has been brought on to me by humans. This interaction with them doesn't work for me...

I wish that I didn't have to go to school. I wish that I could be home schooled. All of my home schooled friends tell me being home schooled is terrible. But I wonder if they didn't like it because they like being around humans. I hate it. I would be fine with seeing my friends every so often. I think that it would be better for me because the only people I want to be around is the people I like. So why should I have to be around people I don't like?

I feel just a bit happier now that I have said these things. I get upset when I think about people. Most people anyways... Some people I cherish. I cherish Kenji, Shou, Jun, and Kyan more than I cherish my friends. I feel terrible for saying that, but it's true. But that's not to say my friends don't mean anything to me. I still care about them.

Lately... I've been thinking. These thoughts come to mind, things like, "What if I wasn't here?" "What if I could just take myself away from everyone?" I think it's suicide at first. But then I realize that all I need is to just... be by myself. I want everything bad to just stop... or go away for eternity, so I can be by myself. I feel like so many things bother me. And if only they would go away... I could be happy. I keep on saying... "I could be happy." But I can't get there. I try. I try my hardest to be happy. But it only lasts for a little while. It doesn't stay with me. That's because my happiness is with Summer. I think when Summer left... that night I had that beautiful dream about that place I want to go to... I think I left my true happiness with the Summer clouds... and the flowers, the lovely green grass, and in the beautiful blue Summer sky. That's where my happiness is. I know it's waiting for me. I'm chasing after it... I will be there soon. With my memories.

It will be all right soon. I know it will. I felt Summer. I felt it for just a moment today. I know I will be with Summer soon. Even now... I am being comforted by that fact. Even after I get upset every time I try to interact with a human. Now I am comforted by the fact that Summer is coming.

I'm going to stay by myself for now. Since I'm in the mood for writing, I'm going to finish my English homework. Tonight... I'm making my own dinner. Stir fry and tamagoyaki. This is goodbye for now. I think I'll go outside and be with the setting sun for a little bit before I start my homework. I'm just going to think about things...

Life will be all right...