Everyone has a story

We had a speaker come in today. Our entire grade was separated into groups. Girls and boys were separate. We talked about being safe, and knowing how to act around others. At first... I thought I was not going to enjoy it. Then... she started talking about her life when she was my age. She said that she felt as if no one understood her. She hid everything. She didn't let anyone know how her life was really like... because no one understood her. She felt alone. After a while... I noticed that many girls in the room had a look in their eyes. As if... they knew exactly what she was talking about. I think everyone was thinking of their own life... and their own story. I felt like crying. I felt like crying because I remembered how messed up I am.

She helped me a lot. And I really liked her presentation. I wish I could do something like that... I want to be able to tell my story... and then tell everyone how it got better. At another time... she made us sit perfectly still. And she told us to imagine this... "Imagine your young innocent self... Imagine what she is wearing. Notice her small hands... and her small feet. See how happy she is. How she lives her life free of any worries. Now, I want you to talk to her. Tell her that you will take her to a safer place. Tell her that in this place, she will be protected. She will be free of harm, pain, and sadness. Reach out and take her hand... and take her to that place. Once you're there, tell her that any time she feels alone, or scared, she can come here. To the safest place. Then you must leave her behind. Leave your fragile self there... as you walk away... watch how she is smiling and laughing. Look at how happy she is. Now... slowly come back to yourself. You are in this room again."

I didn't close my eyes. She said that we could... but I didn't need to. I love imagining things. So it was easy for me. But I didn't even notice at first. I just stared... and I stayed completely still. When she said to go to the safest place you know of... I immediately thought of that dreamland I have. I took myself there... Golden Bomber was there. I left myself to play with them. Little did I know they would change my life... But they made me happy. I don't know if anyone else was thinking like I was. I wondered if anyone else imagines things like I do...

Today... I was made stronger. I feel stronger now.
Life is all right.

This is too much

I thought today was going to go well. But then I had a panic attack in P.E. class because we played baseball. When I went up to bat, after I tried to stop at first base, I tripped and just about died. I scraped my knee, and my hands started bleeding. My day had already started to go bad before then... but this just made it unbearable. I didn't even want to go home. I just wanted to get away from everything. I am now in physical and mental pain because of this.

Everyone started to say things to try and cheer me up... but my mind was too full of misanthropy for it to make me feel better. I don't want to go to school anymore. It's too stressful for me. I can't take this anymore. I've come to hate people even more. Even my friends annoy me. I don't even want to be around them. I just want to be alone. I just want to stay by myself and not have a care in the world. I'm ripping my hair out over this.

I cry every night because I hate people so much. I hate school in general. I wish Summer would come more quickly. I hate being a mess. I've started thinking about suicide. I don't want to ever come close to actually doing it. But sometimes I think that it's the only way to escape from everyone. Sometimes, I want to lock myself away from everyone. I only want to be seen by my family and closest friends.

I can't think. I don't know how to deal with this.

Help me.

I am going to sleep soon...

But first, I wanted to talk a little bit about what happened today. I woke up, and I didn't want to get up and face the world. I didn't feel like waking up yet. I hated the thought that in a few hours, I would be at school again. Last night, I didn't sleep very well because I had woken up due from panicing. I had a mild panic attack before bed as well.

I didn't want to wear colourful clothes, because I didn't feel cheerful at all. I felt miserable. I dressed in the darkest clothes I own. I didn't talk much at all during the day. I only smiled when necessary. My friends presented me with a late birthday gift. I didn't open it until I got home. Through out the day, my feelings didn't change much. I still felt hatred. I hated being around all those people. once I got home, I found my friend's package had arrived. It put a smile on my face. It made me feel better.

She sent me small things, but they were all so cute. She also sent me three ponies. Two of which I didn't have. But the duplicate was one of my favourites. She sent me a note as well. I pinned it on my wall, and I will read it when ever I feel lonely. I decided I should open my other gift as well. It was also a pony. But my friends and acquaintances had signed it. Honestly... I didn't know how I felt about it. At first I was shocked because it was such a nice pony. Then I felt happy because... my friends did this for me. But I also felt a bit upset... I don't know why. So many people had signed it. Some of them I didn't even know. But... I will keep this pony. I think it might go into my next keep sake box.

Anyways. After today... I feel much better about everything. And I think that tomorrow will be much better. 85 days until Summer... That's only 12 weeks. If I only count school days that's only 60 days... So 8 weeks of school in total. But... I think I'll stick with the regular count down of 12 weeks.

Goodnight. Life is all right.