I can't fucking take this.

I stayed home today. I felt sick. I felt so fucking sick. Just sick of people... sick of school... sick of everything. I thought I was going to throw up. I went through the day worrying. I worried about school. I worry too much. I hate worrying. I don't even know what I'm worrying about. I remember last year, I felt this way. I would write in my journal about it each day... and I would cry about it. I dragged myself to school on a Monday, and I got through the day. I came home happy... How. How did I do that? I wish it was like that now. Now, I go through the day feeling upset and anxious all the time. Wishing everyone would be quiet... wishing everything would stop. So I could be free from this prison. I just want to go to that place where I can be alone... and be happy.

Honestly... I'm scared. I'm scared shitless of going to school. I'm afraid of people. I can't do it anymore. I didn't even feel that sick today. I just didn't want to go because I wasn't ready. I'm still not ready. I'm not ready to go back to school. I never want to go back. I hate how they tell you if you don't go to school, you'll be a complete failure. To me, school isn't something that's really important to me. I feel like everything is forced upon me. If I don't do what they say, I won't succeed. I'll be looked down upon. Why is it that when a child is born, we teach it how to talk... and comunicate, and walk around. Explore. But... the rest of a human's life, they are told to shut up and sit down. I want to get away.

GET ME OUT OF HERE.

Beauty has reached my life again.

Today... I experienced the first moments of Summer. It was warm today. Not hot... but warm enough to just sit outside on the grass and think about things with out being cold. Also... the air was full of the sweetness of Summer. It smelled like sunshine... and green grass. Inside even smelled of those days when I would just relax inside, away from the heat of the sun. When I would stay in my room and be by myself... and with Golden Bomber. Those days when I would sit in my room and watch the sun fall behind the trees and into the night. And when the night came... the sweet smell of Summer's midnight air would fill my room. I can smell that now. It brings back beautiful memories.
Beautiful memories of the Summer. I would wake up to the sun shining through my window. Or I wouldn't wake up at all... I would already be awake to see the sun rise. I would say goodbye to the dark of night... and say hello to the beauty of the day. The days filled with happy songs. The days that made it into my memories... the days filled with freedom...

...and happiness.

No sadness was known in the Summer. Everything was beautiful. I was happy. I was happy.
I was happy.

I was happy.

Life... was alright.

71 days...

Life is alright.

Soon

I'm almost finished my homework. I just have Spanish to finish. I don't feel sad today. I just feel really annoyed. I want everyone to stop being so noisy. Angela and Matt are in the kitchen... and they've been in there for over an hour. I want them to get out so I can make some tea... and so I can get a snack without any distractions. I've realized that because I'm an introvert... I won't ever really feel comfortable around people. I'm fine with that. It's just how my mind works. I like it that way. I just don't want to be afraid of them.

I'm really confused. I just want all this to stop. I want all this waiting to stop. I want to enjoy every part of my life. I don't want to have to keep on hiding anymore.

Life will be all right again...