I'm tired

I stayed home today again... I don't know what I should do with myself anymore. My mom thought I had strep throat. I thought I did too... but apparently I don't. We went to the clinic this morning. And once we got home, I fell asleep. I was so tired... Even now, I'm still tired. I feel like sleeping some more. I don't want to have to be awake. I hate feeling this way. I don't want to feel this depression. I can't take it any more. I feel like I've held on too long. Sometimes, I think to myself, "Everything is alright." But it only lasts for a little while... Then my body becomes tired again. And I don't feel like doing anything. All I ever feel like doing is crying... or sleeping. I laugh at little things, but it's not enough to keep me happy for a long period of time. Not even Golden Bomber can cure my happiness anymore.

I hate to say that... but it's true. In fact, they actually make me more upset with life. Because every time I think about them, all I remember is Summer time. I wish Summer would come faster. I want this torture to be over. I'm sick of not feeling happy. I hate writing these depressing blog entries... But it's the only place I can say what ever I want. At this point... I don't feel like it's worth trying to do anything anymore. I feel like I can't do anything right. It's all because of school. I hate being judged. Eventually... I'll stop going to school all together. I keep on having terrifying thoughts of suicide. I want it to stop. My mind tells me that the only way to get away from all of the people... Is to kill myself. But I don't want that. I want to live my life the way I want. But I hate facing reality. I'm scared.

I can't do this anymore.

Nothing

I'm just confused. I'm full of nothing. I don't know what I'm feeling. I barely got to dream last night. I remember dying. I remember hanging on to the edge of a tall building full. There was a figure standing there crushing my fingers, and causing pain. I saw myself. I was covered in dirt, blood, and sweat. I said, "Please... wait." They stopped. They took my hand and pulled me over the edge. I saw this as something in my life. That people are going to keep on hurting you, and treat you like you have no feelings... But if you say something, they will stop.

More people have come into my life... I'm beginning to see changes again. Balloonshop. They're like the second Golden Bomber. They stopped making videos two years ago. But each of them have their own channels on YouTube. They make me laugh just like Golden Bomber does. But they can't replace them. I'm happy I found them. They keep me smiling. Just like Golden Bomber.

I want to be happy again...
65 days.

Life is alright.

Dreams

I had a dream last night. The first thing I remember was I was in my house at dusk. I was looking for shoes. I needed shoes because I was running away to go find that dream land again. I decided I didn't need them, and I just left. But before I did, I was warned about a serial killer. Somehow I wasn't scared by this. I left anyways. I reached above the trees, and then it began to grow darker. All of a sudden I reached a crystal mountain. And... apparently, I was Sailor Moon's older sister. Sailor Moon had died, so I had to take on her duty. Queen Serenity gave me a moon scepter. Then she let me go again. I was back in the yard behind my house. Someone was there with me... I don't know who it was. But they told me which way I should go. I shouldn't have listened to her. Because I was very close to having a lucid dream.

We went towards the lightening. On our way, we found the serial killer's house. I wasn't scared... He said that he would kill me. So I ran. As I came back to my yard, I was taken back to the crystal mountain. Where Queen Serenity presented me with another moon stick. I said, "I only want to go to my dream land... Can I please go my own way?" I began crying. Because I've been waiting to go back there for a long time. She sent me back to my yard. There, the sun had almost set. I could see the lightening still. I fell on my knees and cried. I screamed, "Take me back to that place. There I can be happy with Golden Bomber. I just want to be happy." I then looked at the sky, somehow... the sky was full of heavenly clouds towards the North. I bagan to fly again. I knew that had to be the way I should be going.

Then, I saw the serial killer's spy. They captured me, and I fell asleep. I woke up, in my bed. I knew it was still a dream. I should have taken advantage of this and left. It was a beautiful day. My mom came into my room and said, "There's a 15 year old boy here to see you." I was confused... But I pretended to be sleeping still after she left. This boy entered. He sat on my floor at the end of my bed. I could tell he was looking at me. It was the young version of Thomas Gore. I sat up and we didn't say anything. We both just looked at each other. He came up to me and said something about a ball, and me being a princess. Then he disappeared. I opened the door to my room, and saw my sisters walking around a castle in grand dresses and gowns.

I was taken to a room where I was put into my dress. The dress was cream, gold, and pink. Much like a rococo gown. I walked out of the dressing room, and there was Thomas again! Apparently, he had been my "date" the whole time. Ahahaha! We walked outside, and there was Queen Serenity again... She gave me a look as if it was time for me to leave. I turned to Thomas, and said goodbye. Queen Serenity took my hand, and we we were both in the air. Floating softly up into the sky. I waved to Thomas. We rose up into the night clouds. As soon as the starlight hit me from above the clouds... I woke up.

Tonight, I'm going to go to my dreamland for sure. For certain. I will get there.
Life is alright.