Dream Journal

The first thing I remember is being in a school. It was a private school, and there were dorm rooms. But it was much more like a village. The dorm I was assigned was like fancy tree fort. But it needed repairs. Since it was so tippy, I decided to make it fall down. Almost immediately it was rebuilt. There was a secret forest in my yard. It lead through a small forest, and if I went through there, I would be able to escape campus. I hated it there... so I left for a while. I saw Thomas again! He was at the entrance of the campus, and he was just leaving. I remember I had heard about a boy who would stand at the gate each day at dusk and wait for the one person who thought differently. I realized that person was me. Because, everyone else was oblivious that the school was in fact a prison. I just missed him. I called out to him... but he didn't come back. The night fell, and I walked under the moonlight back to my dorm and slept.

The next morning I awoke, and went to school. I was in the hallway beside Jaquie's locker. There was a guy from my school there. His name is also Thomas... but he is a douche bag. He was saying his opinion on people from our school. And he said to me, "You. I would fuck you so hard." I was disgusted by this thought. So I ran after him and tackled him. Since I'm starting to get better at lucid dreaming, I was actually able to do damage. I knocked him down and punched him in the face, I began to strangle him. I got up and while I stepped down on him, I said, "YOU STUPID FUCKING BASTARD." That's all I remember from that day. I saw him again the next day, and he said, "You are one fucked up bitch." I ran after him again. But I got the wrong person. It was Thomas Gore. But he was disguised as Jesse Price. I only realized it was him after he started walking away. I remember standing in the hallway. And it was so crowded. It was way too crowded. I closed my eyes, and I was in my dorm again. It was night... and I decided I wanted to leave for good. So I packed my things and left.

I remember being under an arch with Thomas. And he kissed me. We fell asleep together. But I woke up in my yard. No one was home, it was just me. I saw Thomas Gore come down the hill and walk through the gate. Olan was with him. I took advantage of this, and I said, "Thomas. Help me." I felt sad in this dream, and I knew he was the only one that could help me. He hugged me. And then the sun came out and shone a beautiful light. And I felt happy again. We walked up the road. But it was strange. It was bouncy... and it was like walking on the moon. The cherry blossoms were floating in the air. And the sunlight shone on them. It was so beautiful. Olan was still with us. Once we reached the top of the hill, two police cars showed up. They took Olan and Thomas away from me. I ran after them. They were taken to my school. I searched for them. And I found them in the forest behind my dorm. I caught up with them... and we all began walking farther into the forest.

I had a dream the night before... And I was in an orchard of cherry blossoms searching for Thomas. I found him, and we both just sat together quietly talking about nothing. It felt so beautiful. He held my hand, and we fell asleep together. When I woke up he was gone. But I remember the cherry blossoms were so beautiful in the moonlight. I don't know why I always have these dreams about Thomas. But they always make me feel better. I don't know what it is about him that makes me so happy. But he just does.

Life is alright.

What is my life?

Last night, I told my mom about some things I was feeling. I started out by saying that my stomach hurt like crazy. Then I told her my symptoms that have to do with anxiety and depression. I think she caught on. She asked me to make a list of symptoms. I think I'm finally going to get help. My mom said that she might make an appointment to go see a therapist. My dad on the other hand said it was "normal"... Well, yes depression and anxiety is common. But that doesn't make it something I want to live with. I don't want my life to stay like this. I hate being scared to go to school. I want to be able to live without crying every day of my life.

I came to school at lunch today only to do my math test. While my mom drove me there... I felt extremely anxious. I walked to the front of the school, and I saw everyone stop and look at me.

What.
The.
Fuck.
Do.
You.
Want?

I walked inside of the school and wanted to scream because of the noise. I couldn't stand it. I wanted to run back outside and chase after my mom's car so she could drive me back home. I've missed school because I just hate being around people. All I've done is slept... and cried, and been miserable. I feel sick all the time. And I can't help it. If I knew I didn't have to go to school anymore, I wouldn't feel like this. I would be perfectly fine. I just hate the way people look at me. I hate people. I can't be around people. I can't. The whole time I was at school today, I felt like punching everyone in the face. Everyone who has talked to me today has said something that has made me upset. Everyone is annoying. I only want to talk to Golden Bomber... or Olan, or Thomas. They're the only people who make me feel better.

I keep on seeing Thomas in my dreams. He's always there to bring good news, or to make me feel better. I want to sleep right now, but I know that I won't wake until morning. I think I'll just spend the rest of my evening thinking of good things... and trying not to worry about anything. This anxiety is overwhelming.

Life will be alright. It will. I know it will. 62 days.

This doesn't seem real anymore.

Last night was very traumatizing. Sometimes... I sit in bed and I imagine someone who is important to me is sitting in front of me. Even if I have never talked to them... I imagine that they are there. And I imagine that they are there to understand and listen. Last night, I decided I would talk to Thomas. I don't know why... But for some reason, I feel more comfortable if I imagine that he's there. I guess it has something to do with him being able to make me smile. I do this a lot... I just say everything. I say everything that's on my mind... I just let everything out. I cried. I cried so hard. I had a major panic attack. I started to shake uncontrollably. I felt sick afterwards. After all that... I decided to make some food and then try sleeping again. I woke up multiple times in the night for feeling so anxious and upset. When my alarm went off, I immediately had another panic attack. I couldn't go back to sleep. So I tried to take my mind off things and clean my room a bit. I started some math homework, and finished my English project. I talked to Kiyomi over tumblr, and she said that she understands how I feel. That really made me feel more comforted.

My sister came home from school early because she had a spare block. She talked about things with me. And after she left my room, I took a nap. I didn't feel like doing anything else except sleeping. I was so tired, I didn't even feel the tiredness anymore. I fell asleep at 2pm. I had a dream... Thomas was there again. I talked to him again. But this time I could actually see him. We were in a quiet room. The only sound was warmth. We didn't talk about the things that made me upset... but the little things that make me happy. I was smiling. I felt calm. If I were alone in that room... I don't think it would have been the same. But with Thomas there... I didn't feel lonely. He didn't say much, he just listened. I fell asleep beside him... and I woke up to the uncomfortable pain in my stomach again. I felt the choking feeling in my throat again. I made some tea... and I've just been sitting in front of the computer wondering if I should do my math homework or not. To me... it's not the most important thing. It actually doesn't matter to me anymore. I did the important stuff. That's all that matters.

I haven't been eating properly... I don't get hungry that often anymore. And if I do... I barely eat anything because I get full so easily for some reason. My theory is that I'm so full of thoughts and sadness... that there's no more room for food. One glass of water is enough to fill me up for an hour.

I don't want to sleep yet... I think I'll try going to school tomorrow. I have a math test. I can't miss that.

Goodbye.