No words

I don't have anything to say anymore. Summer is almost here. And I have almost made it. But I can't say that I am able to handle the next two weeks. I have missed so much school because I am sick all the time. I might have gotten mono. I'm still waiting for my blood test results. I sort of hope that I do get sick again... because I don't want to go to school anymore. But then I hope I don't because I want to be able to say that I actually tried my best... and that I made it. I don't want to lay around and lazily wait for Summer. I want to work for it. I want to deserve it. It's also almost time for exams. I am not prepared... This has possibly been the worst school year. I almost hate myself for it. I will make the best of next year. I won't spend my time wishing for summer like I did this year. I should appreciate what I have now.

Aside from that... Summer has visited my dreams often. And she has visited me in my waking state as well. Especially during the night. She'll knock on my window and swirl into my bedroom. Filling it with summer night air. I often spend time just lying on my bed thinking of things I should do this summer. I want to make a list. I really want this summer to be special. I love making memories. One thing I'm putting on that list is to have a big fire where I burn all of my unwanted school work. That will be fun. And I will write my thoughts on pieces of paper and burn them with it. So they won't be lingering in my brain in the summer.

Life will be all right...

16 more days.

Summer Almost Kissed Me Today

I haven't been updating on this blog much... But that's because I've started recording my dreams separately. I've also tried to stop writing such negative things. I felt like it brought me down. But I think that it actually helps me bring my spirits up because no one understands how I feel except me. So I might as well write about it. My anxiety has reached to an almost unacceptable level. I don't want it to get any worse. I've started missing school because of my panic attacks. I can't control them very well anymore. One day I will feel great. I get up and go to school without any problems. Then the next day I remember something that happened the day before. I'll worry about it the night before, then I'll wake up in the morning with a panic attack. Before I leave for the bus, I always try to tell my mom that I am feeling anxious. But she always says, "It will get better once you get there." No. I still feel panicky once I get to school.

I get serious panic attacks at least once a week now. I used to wait until I got to school, but now it's way to hard to hold inside. I try to breathe... but I always end up hyperventilating. I worry about P.E. class mostly. I don't like doing physical work in front of people. Especially because I'm not good at it. I don't like people looking at me when I'm not in my regular clothes. I don't like the social qualities of the class. It's too personal for me. And I feel like everyone in the class thinks I'm stupid, and unskillful. I get these feelings sometimes... where I sense people's vibes. And I always pick up the negative ones. When I walk into a class room, I can feel the negative energy before I feel the positive energy.

Anyways... enough of that. Summer is almost here! There is only 5 more weeks of school. And they're going by at a pace that I can't handle. It feels slow sometimes... I wish school would just end. And. At least I can feel Summer actually holding my hands now. It's been really warm lately. I love the summer warmth. It's uncomfortableness is... comforting. My favourite part of the day is when the sun starts setting. And it goes so slowly... And then the warm night air sets in. And the stars come out. I also love it when I see the sun rising. The day is still beautiful though. It makes me want to cry.

I don't know if I can handle going to school tomorrow. I'm just not ready... I really want to tell my P.E. teacher that I can't participate in P.E. class because it causes me far too much mental and physical stress. It's taking over my life. And I don't want to let something so useless take over my life.

LIFE.
IS.
ALL.
RIGHT.
36 more days...

See the Sun

I can no longer face myself. I can no longer sit in silence and think without telling myself that I am stupid, and I am not important. Everyone is annoying. I don't want to be around anyone. But I still want someone to talk to. Just not anyone that's in my life. Someone who has already lived and has been happy. Someone who can remind me of all the good things that have happened in my life... and that they shall return. That person, is my child self. I want to talk to her. And I want to tell her, "Don't rush. Growing up is not as fun as you think. It's painful. Please, cherish your childhood." I wish I could be a child again. I wish I didn't have to live like I am now. I hate being pressured. I just want everything to be beautiful again.

I've missed school for the past 3 weeks. The first week, I only missed one day, and that was because I had a terrible stomach ache. The second week... last week... I missed three days. And the first class on Thursday due to a panic attack. The whole rest of the week... I spent in bed. I slept most of the time. I cried about things. I felt as if I was dead. I didn't want to leave my room. I just wanted to lay there, and sleep. I felt sick. This week, I caught a cold. I have a fever. I feel just as lifeless as last week. I never want to go back to school again... Never.

Even though I hate being sick... I really like being away from school. When I returned last week, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to smile... and nothing seemed funny anymore. My friends told me that I didn't look sick... Well, maybe because I have a sickness that is lodged deep inside of myself, and it just hurts. I didn't want to give them an explanation. They wouldn't understand. Some people probably think I'm skipping. But I genuinely feel like... shit. I don't know if anyone can see the pain that I feel. On Thursday, I felt terrible. My friends didn't say, "Welcome back! I hope you're doing well." Instead... they said, "Uh... Where have you been?" At lunch, I didn't talk. I debated whether to go into the bathroom and eat my lunch, or sit among the people. I chose to sit with my friends.

I felt lifeless, and empty. I felt isolated. I didn't want to be there. I hate talking about it. That morning. I visited my school counsellor. Next year, I'll be taking an online P.E. class. Thank God. But while she was talking to me, she made it sound like how I was feeling was not that bad. She made it sound like it was normal, and there was nothing to worry about. She said I could come back and talk about it. But I can't. I can't. The whole time, I couldn't fully express how I was feeling because I was afraid she would judge me. I hate talking about it with people I don't feel comfortable with. The way people look when they ask me things just bothers me. When they pause and wait for my answer. It makes me so uncomfortable and worried.

I want to speak to a professional. I don't want people at my school telling me, "It's normal. You're fine. Now go back to school and act like a regular human being." That is how I feel when I talk to a counsellor. I can't deal with it.

I want to sleep... and never wake up. Goodbye.