Comfortably Numb

Summer is officially over now. I spent my last moments of Summer dreaming. I dreamt I was flying away. I was happy, and everything felt beautiful. School hasn't been as bad. I've started listening to Pink Floyd, and I have to say... their music does really speak to me, and it says things that I want to say to others in a different way. Anyway... I'm still sad. I'm still tired, and I'm still waiting. Waiting for true happiness to fill my heart again. This summer wasn't as magical as I thought. But it gave me time to think.

I've been happy to go to school on some days... only because of the sweetest boy. I don't know what his name is. But he is absolutely gorgeous. I always see him alone. I can't help but to admire him. He's the most beautiful boy I've ever laid eyes on. I sometimes think that he's like me... because he's alone so often. Maybe he likes being alone. Maybe he doesn't want anyone to be near him... but at the same time, he needs someone to hold on to. Or perhaps it's just my mind imagining this. The only reason I enjoy going to school is so that I can rest my eyes on his beautiful face for a few moments. It keeps me happy. His eyes, and sweetly parted lips, and his perfectly straight nose... his elegant and fragile looking bone structure. I want to be able to talk to him... I want to be able to hug him. I always wonder if anyone thinks this way about me. It's so difficult for me to imagine that anyone would find me as beautiful as I find this boy. Only because no one has ever expressed it so.

I decided this summer that I'm lonely. I often think that there is someone beside me as I go to sleep. And then they appear to me in my dream that night. I've dreamt of the boy I was just talking about. I've dreamt of actors I admire. I've dreamt of imaginary people I've thought up. I always leave a space beside me when I sleep... just incase an angel decides to come in and sleep there. Sometimes I believe that happens... I feel so safe and at peace, that I don't feel lonely. I can breath. I've felt arms around me once. The slow heaving chest of a sleeping boy. I swear I've been visited by angels while I sleep. They know how sad I feel. I know that they're there... and I know that they will send me someone to love one day. I'm patient with this. I want them to be the right person.

I just hope that I'm visited by angels tomorrow... and as autumn progresses into winter. I don't want to be lonely anymore. Autumn has been more welcoming this year. I feel that it will be my happiness this year... along with that beautifully angelic boy.

Life is all right.

Time's Up: Wrath and Natural Selection.

The time has come for me to say goodbye. Goodbye to the peace of freedom. I'm not going to go on about how much I hate school, because all I'm going to say is... things will be better this year. I won't complain about how much I miss the summer. Because I know I can still find happiness. I am going to tell myself that. But the other side of me says, "No, you fucked up last time. Now you're fucked up forever." But I'm not going to listen. I am not going to beat myself up about it.

This summer was not what I expected. I can't say it was as special as the last two... but I have taken a turn in my life. This was the summer that I decided I'm not going to fill my life with my own bull shit or anyone else's. If I want to do something, I'll do it. If I want to say something, I'll say it. I'm not going to keep quiet anymore. I want people to know that I do what I want.

I know that not every summer will be the same... But I honestly miss the times when I could feel hope when I listened to Golden Bomber. I still love them. But each time I look at them... or listen to their music... I feel upset. I look back and I remember how terrible things were. And they were the only ones to help me. I can't help it... but I don't know if I can listen to their music for a while... Not until I recover from everything. I don't want to have to forget about them... But they aren't helping me anymore. They're only burdening my mind with wishful memories and scary thoughts from last year. I still love you all. And I thank you for everything. But please let me be.

I have found other musical joys! The Who have set me on a new path. Much happier than my last. I don't feel the same way about them as I did Golden Bomber. I feel more powerful with them. I'm not as afraid as I was last year. I'm not afraid!

LIFE IS ALL RIGHT. AND IT ALWAYS WILL BE.
I WON'T LET ANYONE'S BULLSHIT BRING ME DOWN THIS TIME. I AM MYSELF.

I'm back again

I don't want this to be a sad place... I want it to be somewhere that is only thoughts. But not completely sadness. It's still summer. It has been very lovely so far. And I am thankful for this time I get by myself. But I keep on thinking about school. Everyday. I'm worried. It's approaching too quickly now. I can't think about anything else. I really don't want to go back. Every time I think of it, I can't help but remember the feeling of being run down all the time. Being stressed out and hating to wake up in the morning. I had the most terrible thought this morning. But if I look at it differently, it's not terrible...

I was thinking... what if I was never here. What if I disappeared? Nothing. Of me... nothing. I wouldn't have to know sadness. I wouldn't have to worry. I wouldn't have to think anymore. I wouldn't miss anything... because I wouldn't be there. I wouldn't have to go to school anymore. No one could bother me. I would be by myself. Or maybe I wouldn't be anything at all.

I would never be able to make myself do it, though. I really thought that once school and everyone in it was gone for a while... I wouldn't feel so scared of waking up anymore. I wouldn't be as paranoid, or depressed and anxious all the time. I was okay for a while. I was okay for two months. But now I'm not anymore. I feel the same as I did. Because I know I have to go back. All I feel like doing is crying, and sleeping. But every time I look at the sky outside... I feel comforted. The summer sky comforts me. It brings back good memories, and fills my head with them for a while.

Hopefully, 100 Mile will take my mind off of things as well. I'm leaving on Monday. No judgemental grandparents this time. I want this trip to be for myself... I know that sounds selfish. But I don't want to be burdened with hate or people. Just for that much more longer until I am full of it for another year. I'm not ready to go back to that place. I don't know if I will be able to do it. The more I think about it, the more I want to disappear. I fucking hate school. It's too much for me. I'm not even excited to see my friends. I just want to sleep forever... and not worry about anything.

But in this moment... I have to appreciate that life is alright. There's nothing here to bother me. I can be peaceful right now. I need to live now...

Life is all right.