Heartfelt English -3ページ目

Heartfelt English -3ページ目

ホームピグアメブロ

芸能人ブログ人気ブログ

19Sep
- Feelings and Courage
  Sometimes, I feel so lost, like I can't live normally, like I need an invisible crutch throughout my life when things get too hard or like they aren't enough.I am a teacher, but at times, when I can't juggle my personal life and my career and lack friendships, social skills, and interests dont help much, whispers from my past call out to me and beg me to try again. I need to guide myself away from the dark. I need to see how far I have come. I was once all alone, damaged good, and forever defeated by depression among other things-- especially what dad did shattered my soul into unmendable pieces.Knowing how alone I was, and how much I needed someone to help me and love me, perhaps I am channeling that need into my career as a teacher, and I am obsessed with working at times since I need something to fixate on in life, apart from wanting to help others when I myself couldn't be helped all those years ago.I am a deeply caring person, and if my job allows me to do this, whereas it is more seen as an odd trait I have in my personal life, such as among my family members, perhaps I need to just be grateful for having a job where I can shine and show my authentic self, and keep outshining my former self every day. But dont forget to fill my own cup in the process.
22May
- A
  I think I long for a simple, mostly stress-free life. I dont have many ambitions about my own achievements, but if anything, I want the bigger pictures in my life. Like a happy, growth mindset marriage. For my personal world, I want to keep my peace while living my life and write, read, and grow mentally.When I write, I feel as if I am trying to dig into the dethps of myself; the root of what makes me who I am. I am trying to find an escape, but also life at the same time.I want writing as a way to live, but I also feel this activity alone is too personal to somewhat merge into a job.
20May
- Hopeful Yet Scared Vulnerable Heart
  I feel I am lying to myself,like I am covering it all up for societyand for those I love to not abandon meMy shadow still carries lines of traumaignited by PTSDI'm a delicateheart, unapologetically vulnerable, yet still afraidHaven't I tried long enough toget away from the hurt,to accept the pain and those whohurt me, shouldn't this all beenough to help myself move onfrom every traumatic event,all linked to that core night my protector, a parentmeant to love and soothe, instead of violating my skin,tormenting my mind for many moonsI love who I have become,but a part of me is still caught in unerasable pain,and there is no telling when this will come to an end,Even if others in my life cannot ever accept this broken,traumatized side of me, I always have myself to love, protect, and be withI never asked him to touch me, I never asked for his genitalia to harden against me,I never asked for that night to happen, and I hate that I can't undo that pastto save me from becoming someone who can't be kept foreverand bound by unconditional love.Fallen shades of colors of my trauma and itstriggersthat swirl andgently cloakmy days of contentment, letting me know it`ll never be too far away.
19May
- Momentarily
  What happens when you can't scream or bleed out all the painthat's been contained within you for easily over a decade?You keep feeling it in secret, you struggle alone in the dark,when no one thinks you areYou struggle with your demons that were created from the trauma alonethe demons that are evil, yet that also saved you when you could not save yourselfI can't help but still feel like I am a part of the traumatic events scarred withinmy heart and psycheI feel like I am split in two:the traumatized self, and a fully functioning person.I feel whole but invisibly brokenMy pain is all momentarily, no matter how deep it feels, no matter how unbearableit still can feel at times. It all feels so overwhelming every time because I still hurt.I am not there anymore. I need my past self to be heard as I continue on my current path, in this life I have now,where I never thought I`d ever get a chance to experience, that I never thought I would actually want one day.I will keep working on taking care of myself. I need to remember that I still struggle with a bit of PTSD at times (emotional reactions to triggers like sexual abuse/harassment memories and how they amplify my feelings about my past with dad and others as a whole.)
13May
- The First Icepick Pierced Through My Psyche
  I still rememberthe running watermy body solidifiedin placeunable to move from fear so greatI remember him walking inI remember his shadow getting largerI remember his voice, asking in questionI remember his violating touchI remember every cell within myself dyingAn abruptly attempted emotional suicide to shut down all I was feeling.I'm still angryI can stay calmbut at timesI can sense the shadow of hatred.I feel despite living life andgenuinely loving where I am nowI haven't been able to truly dealwith what happened withhimAnd yet, I am well aware nowthat there is not much that reallycan be done: unless I want toreopen wounds and cause havocwithin my family and in my own life.I rather keep my sense of peace,but it can be a sad feeling to knowI will always remember him touching me.
08May
- Poem
  Lost at seashe tries to find her waythrough the treacherousdark open watersShe finds a lightthat can barely be seenIt lies within herA heart so strongA soul destined to flyA strength she so selflesslykept giving to others withouta second thought,finally given to herselfthe one person in her lifewho always needed it the mostShe finds her way out of the darknessalone with her thoughts and feelingsthat ride the waves of fear and anxietyWith the reins in her handsthey come to a calm and dissipateShe has her core to hold ontoher pure strength called lovefor herself and those close in her life
02May
- Note To Self
  I easily get taken aback when Mehdis upset at me sometimes. I feel like a relationship really is not perfect and no couple is always truly connected 24/7. But this also is just the norm of a relationship as you are two individuals trying to make things work in the end. We just have to give each other space at times. Everything will always fall back into place.But as for the feelings of being unwanted/sensitive to words in a relationship, I notice the sudden switch I get, once I get hurt or feel too sensitive, I turn inwards and turn to my career for a sense of stability and safety in other words.as if I am seeking a cure-all for the way I feel when I feel emotionally affected by one`s words in a relationship. In a nutshell, I need to leave my heart both to both pillars in the end, my love life as well as my career life.I feel deep down I am simply seeking a safe haven to feel at home with. And even if I know Mehdi is my home when I am sensitive in times like now, I feel I lack understanding from Mehdi, and I retreat to my career for solace.In other words, I also fear such conflict, even if there is not really a sense of conflict at all, and I know it is in my head. I can face that feeling within myself alone, open up to Mehdi after work, or simply work on it and let it pass, as tomorrow is another day.I kind of see now why so many of us tie our identities to a career, and not to a relationship. But we also need to learn to communicate too if this is ever needed.
04Apr
- Grateful
  I am in the long process is still healing, finally teaching myself to unlearn so many things my past has ingrained into me due to the emotional, sexual, and psychological damage that all, in the end, is the direct effect of my dad.I don't know how to heal instantaneously, or how many times I would fail, but I will keep living, keep moving forward, and keep loving life. Because I have what I always wanted, what I needed all those years ago. I am truly grateful to finally have a cozy life I love and it will only get better from here despite all the hardships that will come since life is all about growth; it is just more beautiful when you have a lifelong partner who loves you unconditionally.
11Feb
- Insight from Shi Heng Yi
  Don't do what you want all the time. Have structure. Shape our direction of where you want to be each day. Be active. Have balance.Our physical performance doesn't last in the long term, so we need to know the other aspect of ourselves that is far more sustainable than just our physical selves. But be active too. Competitive mindset: challenge yourself and get the best version out of you.Endless personal growth. Always try to improve yourself. Face yourself and know what you are really made out of.Balance is about feeling and knowing what needs to be done. Take time to check in with yourself.Feel your life: How you are feeling in the moment/ if you are hungry, happy, or tired. There is an observation part and an activation part. There needs to be a balance.Skills must be nourished over and over again. The real skill is the skill obtained by investing a lot of effort. The only way to do this is through repetitive structure/movement.If something comes into your life that you like, we say "Don't pull". If something we dislike comes into our lives, we say "Don't push".If you like something, you want to keep it for as long as possible, bring it even closer to me. One day when the time comes,
10Feb
- The Dream
  I had a dream where I was with dad, and before going into a bedroom that was not my original bedroom in the Yoyogi-Uehara house, dad kissed me between my chest in the dream. After waking from this particular dream, I felt perhaps I will always view him as my abuser. Even if it was a one-time thing. This annoys me since I don't know why I cant forget it if it only happened once. So many have endured years of abuse from their fathers.But this is my path and I have done an amazing job so far living my life, despite the ups and downs.I also recalled after waking from the dream, that dad threw me out of the house after I started self-harming and going to therapy.Telling me to never share about my sessions and my self-harming to D and Ellie at the time.I wonder now if he said this to protect himself.