A thought process
Sometimes, I wonder if my life is a good one by imagining if I were to die from this disease one day, god forbid if it ever turns to incurable cancer, even if what I have already is technically incurable. What would I want my eulogy to say?I feel that living with a chronic disease is not the end of the world, but still, it really makes me think, about what is worth having in my life that makes me feel like I am living how I want, and truly feel like I am living my purposes. Through meeting people in my life, falling in and out of love, experiencing a poor marriage and divorce, experiencing tangible loneliness, connections with students, connections with people throughout my life so far, meeting and starting to date Mehdi, it is all still a work in progress to show me what it all means at the end, but, I found out that we do need people, and we want people, we want to be cared for and loved, and we want to do the same in return a thousandfold. I am grateful to do work where I help people every day, where I can show compassion and empathy daily. But in the long run, I know I need to keep my health managed and be there for myself and Mehdi. I hope he knows just how much I care about him, and that I would throw everything away to be with him. And if this is stupid then let it be my stupidity to live and accept because I livefor others after living for myself. I know there will be so much to lose and gain when we go to Germany, but I wont be alone, and I will be a wife again, and have my family to stay healthy for and take care of.
