I'm in the time period where I need to sit still with whatever that's going on in my life. Outwardly not much things are going on. This is the perfect time for me to really relax into my spirit being and simply be. I find it extremely difficult though to do so because I look for so many things to worry about. There's nothing to worry about but when I feel a void in me, my typical thing to do is to find something to fill it in. I get an urge to find something to do. I'm having a hard time to just stay where I am without passing a judgement. Not doing much makes me feel worried and anxious that I feel I am not being productive. Gosh, there's ongoing thought of do this do that and that is driving me crazy. I'm loosing my patience even in the moment when I don't need to do anything. I'm not being in the moment where I feel really grateful for what I have here and now. So okay, let me take a deep breath in to relax my poor restless spirit.
Come to think of it, why the heck am I so nervous for not doing anything? I decided to take a break to heal my mind since I battled unnecessarily over my marriage thing this past few months. I am entitled to rest and reflect upon my life because that's what I chose to do! I gave myself a permission to do it but then I must have forgotten that it's my time to really mentally kick back now.
I have to remember no matter what others say about my decision, I can stick with it because that's what's right for me. I'm still in the vulnerable state and it's okay to feel what I feel. This is the healing process and I don't need to get anybody's permission! I'm good at talking about it all this time and I even give the advice to others. I must have been carried away by going through so much in this past months.
To be honest, my head is spinning from adjusting to my new environment. Coming back to Japan and settling back in here isn't easy. You would think it must be for me but uh-uh, that's not true. No, it's not and I'm even being homesick for California. I miss the weather, the space, friends and my furry babes. I miss driving on freeway and getting the veggies and fruits from Farmers Market. I'm missing the gardening in my backyard and making my smoothies and cooking my foods. I miss so much about living in the US. I must have forgotten how hard it was to live in the marriage I was in at the time and with my in laws I was dealing with. I don't care for remembering the pain from that, but I just miss so much of what I've been used to. I know I decided to travel back and forth but until I find my nitch here, seems like I might not settle in here yet easily.
Transition is a great teacher. Constantly being in the moment is not always a piece of cake but going through that teaches me to be patient and faithful. Fear of unknown is right in my face so in this way, I would learn how to deal with what's in the moment. Trusting yourself is a challenge but I guess that's giving me an opportunity.
With that all being said, how am I handling it now? Am I critical? Am I insane? I guess by writing my thoughts out, I'm releasing almost all the unwanted baggage. I definitely feel lighter a little bit.
Breathe in... and breathe out...
So, I am where I'm supposed to be and that will be the same every moment. Don't get stressed out, Yasuko. It won't take you anywhere even if you do. You get stuck and frustrated and it won't do you any good. Let's just relax into this moment. Take off your shoes and relax your feet. Let's just kick it cause I don't got nothing else to do other than that! And it's okay. I give a sweet ass permission to you. No sweat. I forgive myself for trying so hard. Don't try so hard anymore. For what? And what do you benefit from that?
So, let's just kick back and savor your sweet taste of life.